A Dream come true

Dan's POV

Phan art by lovingblainers on Tumblr and you should totally check them out

I would have been delusional if I'd expected us to veer immediately back to normal after we'd both confessed our love for each other. However, my low expectations didn't mean I knew what to expect. In the past day or so we hadn't avoided each as such, just avoided the ways we used to be. I was still unsure if Phil wanted to take the plunge and actually class this as a relationship so I tried to keep touchy-feely situations to a minimum. Nevertheless I still eventually managed the result of resting my head on his thigh as I lay flat on the couch as he was squished at the end with my face inches away from his crotch any time we watched TV. Also, we seemed to permanently be moments away from stripping each other and just fucking there and then. It was as if now we knew the passion was there we couldn't contain it any longer but we're both slightly too nervous to make the first move.

My thoughts had been impossibly uneasy and I was growing more and more impatient on the situation. Of course I understood we had to both be ready to jump in and get together and that Phil may not have been ready for that yet. However after we'd spilled our secrets the question I'd asked him after that hadn't really been as openly answered as the prior.

When I'd said "do you actually want to be with me," I had received an inaudible answer where he had just looked away and shrugged his shoulders slightly. Due to him prior being so forward about everything, I decided not to push the matter further.

That had been the main point in my mind this entirety. Not exactly because I was so desperate to flaunt Phil as my 'boyfriend' instead due to the simple fact I didn't understand it. I'm sure he has his justifiable reasons but too me its a case of, if you love them, you need to take the leap. And Phil seemed to have been pretty clear on the fact he loved me, so why had he not yet leaped?
Was he afraid of commitment? Was he scared what his dad would say to me? Was worried about what the public would say?
I thought about it all so intently I was genuinely anxious my head would explode from overuse. Trying to come up with a reason was almost as tiring as trying to combat the inadequacy that shrouded me when my mind instantly jumped to the thought of him being embarrassed to be seen with me. No matter how often my imagination drifted to a plausible idea and explanation, non of them seemed feasible for the way Phil's mind worked.

***

Allowing my fringe to scatter itself across my face messily I lay face first on my bed, breathing heavily and unfortunately being unable to discourage my subconscious from wandering from topic to topic.

What is the actual point in my existence?
If their is a god, why does he let bad things happen?
I wonder what I can have for dinner tonight...
Why am I not good enough for Phil to flaunt?
I just want to be the type of guy Phil would be physically unable to hide because he just wanted to show me off on his arm and be all, 'yes this is my actual boyfriend and you should a be jealous' but I wasn't. I was the type of guy you had to prepare yourself up for before introducing to your closest friends or the type of guy who you would order a table in the far back corner while on a date just in case anyone saw us together.

Frustration got the better of me and I let out a long and tiresome groan as if to just put my feelings into words. Except "ughh" wasn't a word, for me it was a legitimate emotion.
And today I was definitely feeling ughhh.
A mixture of existential crisis and confusion over Phil had thrown me completely into a downward spiral and to be perfectly honest I couldn't have been bothered to do anything.

How could I do anything? How could I possible focus on something important when the thought that was currently circulating my mind was: What the fuck is the point?

And no matter how desperate I was to ignore the annoying voice at the back of my head that was shoving these thought into my brain, it just kept on getting more and more difficult to resist.

A/N-- writers block strikes again and results in a surprisingly short chapter. I am beginning to realise that I should have probably planned these out in a little more detail rather than one sentence in my notes nd describe the entire thing. okay anyway, hope you enjoyed it. I'm really FKN tired so yeah imma go to bed so BYEEEE.