A Dream come true

Dan's POV

Thinking too much. It's my greatest downfall. And I have been thinking far too much recently.

Ever since Phil posted his coming out video, he seems so much happier. He's walking with a spring in his step and a smile on his face and it's got me thinking: Should I come out too? I mean, Phil used to be sad all the time and since he revealed his secret he hasn't ever stopped smiling. Keeping this a secret drags my mood down at every possible moment. Even the mention of sexuality makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry. It just seems like the only rational thing to do.

How can I keep this a secret for any longer if it's tearing me up inside?

I've been drowning in my thoughts for so long it would be nice to be able to swim.

Maybe if I came out and told the truth me and him might have a chance?
Who knows? It's not like we've ever been distant with each other. I was always aware of the possibly, I just never expected that when I fell he wouldn't catch me.

I've been trying to put distance between us. I don't think it's helping me get over him. I think it makes it worse. It's like my head is screaming to stay away but my heart is screaming that I need to be near him. At this current moment, I think my heart is screaming louder.

Also, that niggling thought in the back of my mind pulls me into the whole "but he's gay, that means it's possible" situation and that would probably sound weird to anyone who isn't me. Even I know it's stupid to get my hopes up. Just because he likes boys doesn't mean the boy he likes is me. In fact it makes it a lot less lightly to be me. Phil could snatch up anyone in an instant and they would swoon at his very feet.

My love for him is a deep blue sea, so deep that I could never be free. I could never escape the warm arms of his presence that wrap around me when he's near and right now I really wouldn't want to. It's like a million stabs in the chest but immediate pain relief when he's around.

Why would he chose me? Annoying, pestering, ugly, existential crisising, me. He could have anyone! Why would he chose me?

He wouldn't!

Hearing his foot steps pat across the landing I quickly wipe the unknowingly formed tears from my eyes and pick up my laptop. This is what I normally do. I'll look just like normal doing this.

"Hey Dan?" He called before opening my door walking into my room as if it was his.

I looked up from my fake internet browsing and gave him an expecting look.

"Um, I was just going to go into town to pick up a few things. You fancy coming along?" He asked.

"No." I said bluntly and instantly regretting snapping at him. I tried to cover it up with, "I've got loads to do, emails and stuff," but he didn't look convinced.

"Oh okay." he said shyly, "bye then."

I heard the front door slam behind him and immediatly I felt terrible for being so blunt with him but in my defense I had a lot of thinking to do.

You should of told him right then and there.

And maybe I should of but it was a bit late to be rethinking now. He was gone. I couldn't shout at him down the street. That would be a bit too sudden. I would like it to be in private to strangers and gawking passers-by.

Well if you'd had the confidence before we wouldn't be in this mess.....

"Shut up." I said aloud to no one but myself.

"You need to think about this logically." i said, then paused for an intake of breath before pointing out to myself, "Dan, you're literally talking to yourself how is anything right now logical?"

How was I capable of getting anything done ever if this was how I acted in situations like this. Why is straight the default? Why people just assume I'm gay instead and then I would be in this fucking trauma?

I can't let the simple thought that Phil might not like me back ruin the real me. I've been reckoning with that eventuality for a long time now. At least, this will be one less secret to keep.

"You can do this Dan." I reassured myself, "It's okay."
Fuck it.
I need to tell someone and it has to be now. Otherwise i might not have the confidence to do it later.

Snatching up my phone, I typed in the only other person I could think of exept Phil, and of course she answered immediately.

"Hello?"
"Hey mum. It's me."

A/N--this chapter is a train wreck but i'm just gonna roll with it. I planned on spreading this between 3 chapter but I decided that was a bit much but okay whatever so this was a bit rushed, it's cool whatever. I want to rattle off the next few chapters quickly so I can get to the majorly exciting part but idek maybe not too fast so the quality is shite. Well anyways, I hope you enjoyed this. Next chapter is Phil's POV and the one after that is the whole conversation with Dan's mum so look out we've got some very homo howell comming up lol