Never Together Nor Apart

[Chapter 14]

[Hospital waiting room; yes we are back tracking a bit]

JJ's POV:

I sit in the hospital, my hormones going crazy. I know I'm in shock, but I can't seem to grasp reality. I ball my feet up, turning myself into a fetal position. I stare at my feet, praying Emily walks out. However, I know all too well it won't happen, even if she is ok. I see dark hair around the corner. I feel hope rise, but I know it was wishful thinking. Elle turns to look at us. Her face shows remorse, along with grief. I come to realize Emily hadn't made it. I burst into tears. Longing for Spence's touch. He had been pacing, but rushes to my side when the news broke. I let myself fall, releasing my weight onto him.

"I didn't get to tell her-" I stop my sentence, I hadn't yet told anyone.

I find the need to be closer to Spence, I nuzzle my face in the crook of his neck. The team didn't know we were dating, but I didn't care anymore. He seems to know my intentions, he places a sweet kiss on my forehead. It causes me to sob even more. I feel myself reach but a stop my hand.

*flashback*

'I'm pregnant' the words echo through my brain. They try to escape my throat. Spence and I had only had sex once, but that seemed to be enough. I'm pregnant—I am pregnant. I speak the words aloud. I smile to myself as I stare at the two tests on the counter. I feel a pit in my stomach, nervousness seeps through my body. I thought about Spence. What would he think? Was it too fast? Did he want kids? Did he want kids with ME? I shoo the thoughts away. I place my hand on my stomach, it wouldn't grow for months, but I loved the idea of my child growing there.

I open my eyes, the vision fading from view. I grab Spence's hand. I begin thinking about Emily. I was going to tell her after I told Spence. I had wanted her to be the godmother.

[2 weeks after Emily's funeral; JJ is about 7 weeks pregnant]

I was ready. I needed to tell him before I started showing. I grab the hidden pregnancy tests and make my way into the living room.

"Spence," I hear the worry in my voice.

"JJ? What's wrong?" He turns around, facing me with both tests.

I watch has his jaw drops. He jumps off the couch, tripping over his book. He collects himself quickly, pulling me into his arms.

"I'm pregnant," the shock had caused my words to come late.

"Jennifer, I love you," he pulls away tears in his eyes.

"I was so sure you'd be mad at me. I wasn't even sure if you wanted kids, and if you did, I didn't even know if you would want them with me," I fidget with the two tests in my hand.

"Jen, I would never be mad at you for that. I may not have been expecting a child so quickly, but I couldn't think of anyone else I'd want him or her with," he attaches himself to me, feeling me with warmth.

"I'm about 7 weeks pregnant. So I figure I should make an appointment?" I suggest.

"Near the 10 week mark, you actually can begin to see a pea sized mark that represents the baby," he begins one of his rants.

"So I should make my appointment on or after the 10 week mark?" I look at him with a sarcastic grin.

[JJ is 11 weeks 3 days pregnant]

I walk in the office, holding tightly onto Spence's hand. I hadn't been in a hospital since Emily's passing. The smell of serialized rooms. It engulfed me, bringing me back to that night. My breathing grows heavy. I feel myself slipping into a panic attack.