Never Together Nor Apart

[Chapter 17]

[3 months after Emily's 'death'; JJ is 4 months pregnant]

Emily's POV:

I stare over the file of a young boy. A boy I loved like my own, but loved him enough to let him go. Declan. It's taken three months, but I've finally found his new identity. This also brings along fear. If I've found him this quickly, even while in hiding myself, who else has or will find him? I shake the thoughts from my head. I have to believe my family will find them. I smile, then frown. I spent the 4 months we were together blocking my feelings out. I refused to get close. If I had only let them in, maybe everything would have been different. I rub over my temples, the headaches were returning. They always came with horrible dreams later. I return to Declan's case. I was surprised to find his first name hadn't changed, but his last name had been changed to Jones. I dive deeper in on the boy, hoping to find any sort of address, school, or possibly even Louise. Hours later I get a hit. He was now resigning in Reston, Virginia. He still had Louise with him, his care taker—his surrogate mother. I pry for more information but come up empty. God, I wish I was with Garcia right about now. I'd do anything to have one last night with them all, but instead, I'm stuck in this dreary, dark, one bedroom apartment. Another sharp pain fills my head, making me wince. I stagger to the counter, pulling out some medication the surgeons had given me for pain. I throw two of the white tablets into my mouth, downing them with some ice water. I couldn't help but wonder what they might all be doing—'they' meaning my team. Were they on a case? Did they even care that I was gone? Had they found Doyle? Were they even looking for him? The list could go on and on, but I'd never get my answers. I walk out to my balcony for what seemed like the 7th time today. The lights and loudness to the city had a sort of calm to it, contradicting the noise and busyness of it all. I wanted to leave, go somewhere nice, have some fun for a change. But I can't. It's too risky. I've only left the apartment 3 times, once every month for food and to withdraw money from the bank account. I head back in the apartment, I needed my sleep. Whether it came with the nightmares or not, I needed it. Just like I needed my family.

JJ's POV:

I'm finally 16 weeks pregnant! I couldn't wait to find out our babies genders.

"Spence! I can't wait!! What do you think they will be?" I ask excitedly.

"They could be anything, I'd love them all the same," he replies.

I lean over and kiss his cheek. I couldn't wait to finally have our little family. Only 5 more months! We arrive at the doctors and walk in. I still had trouble entering hospitals without anxiety, but the panic attacks finally stopped. We sit in the chair thinking of names.

"What about Lily if one is a girl?" I suggest.

"That's definitely going on the list!" He agrees, "I was thinking Dylan for a boy?"

"Oh Spence! I love that!" I place my hand on my stomach.

"Miss Jareau?" A nurse calls out.

"That would be us," I answer as I take Spence's hand.

"Right this way," she nods.

We follow her down the hall. It smells like bleach. The florescent lights shine down on us. She stops at a door and opens it.

"This will be the room for today!" She smiles.

I take my place in the chair, Spence stands next to me. She begins checking out my stomach first, placing her hands in the usual spots. Then she places her heartbeat machine on. I watch her face falter for a moment. Something was wrong.

"What is it?" I ask franticly.

She covers her expression quickly.

"What is it?" Spence repeats.

"We are both profilers. We know something is wrong," I say a bit louder.

I try to profile her, but my judgment is clouded. I couldn't think straight.

"I'm sorry, I need the doctor before I can say anything further," against my wishes, she exits the room.

I feel hot tears run down my eyes.

"Spence, what if something happened?" I weep against him.

"It'll be ok JJ. They'll figure it out," he tries to calm me, but I can tell he is shaken as well.

I here a knock and then my doctor enters. I immediately bombard her with questions.

"Is something wrong? Did I do something? Why can't the nurse tell me anything?" I try to stop sobbing, but the emotions flood me.

"Miss Jareau, I just need to check first. No, it's nothing you've done and the nurse just needs me for conformation ok?" She gives me a light smile.

I watch her closely, examining her facial expression through the tears that had pooled at my eyes. I squeeze Spence harder. It was all too much.

"Miss Jareau, Dr. Reid. I do have to tell you I have some bad news," she begins.

The words stop my brain. I can't think, I can't speak. The crying stops, all emotion drains from my face. I grow limp, anticipating her words.

"W-what, um, w-what," Spence couldn't get the words out either.

"One of the babies— there's no heartbeat. Since it's so early, this won't affect you or your other child. This also won't change anything with your delivery either," she announces softly.

I don't respond and neither does Spence.

"I'm so very sorry. I know you were expecting good news today," she places her hand on mine.

"I uh, I don't want to know our babies—baby's gender yet," I say through tears.

"I understand," she nods.

"Can I um, can I know the gender of the um.. the one I miscarried?" I look up to Spence.

He stares at the floor but nods.

"Yes, let me finish and I can tell you after," she replies.

I feel the coldness of the gel. It's stings, as if it's seeping in my skin.I feel a head pressed against mine. I open my eyes to see Spence. I give him a small and quick kiss.

"It was a girl," she announces.

Tears run down my face once again.

"I wanted to give you a chance to process, but unfortunately I have to ask you some questions," Dr. Hanson says.

"Right," I sigh.

"Have you been experiencing any stress lately?"

I have the urge to laugh at this question. I makes me feel crazy.

"Well, a couple of months ago. A really close friend died. And um, another one of my friends has disappeared unannounced. I also put myself in a dangerous situation for my job, and oh, um my job is basically catching serial killers," I reply.

"Um, right. Have you been experiencing any abdominal pain?"

"No".

"Have you had sex recently?"

Spence's face grows red.

"Um, right before we got here actually," I feel embarrassed.

"Ok. Sex is fine but I recommend when you get to 7 months you stop until the baby is born," she suggests.

I nod.

"I also would consider taking pregnancy leave from your job at that time too," she replies.

I nod once more. I needed to leave. I needed to escape.

"That's all. I'd like to see you in three weeks for another check up," she gives me a hug as her condolences then leaves.

Spence and I meet each other's gaze. We both know to wait. We needed time before we spoke. I stand, resting my head on his arm as we head out. Once again, I feel steamy tears in my eyes.

I am SOOO SORRRY!! I felt so bad for doing this. Literally everyone was commenting about the twins on the last baby chapter and I felt so bad for doing this, but it was already planned. PLEASE fo not kill me!! Omg I really feel so bad for this one 😣😣.

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