A Storm of Flames and Deceit

XXXIX. Tranquility

Eris
I shouldn't have used my tongue.
But if I'm making a list of things I shouldn't have done tonight, perhaps it might be more accurate to say I shouldn't have kissed her at all.
I'm not sure a word exists for it because I know and believe that I shouldn't have kissed her, but regret is the last word I'd use for it. I wouldn't take it back even though I want more than anything to erase it.
Actually...
That's a lie.
I want more than anything to kiss her again, to let myself go a little too far, to tell her exactly what she means to me, and yet.... that is simultaneously the last thing I want to do.
I have too much of a headache to find sleep.
Not to mention she sleeps so beautifully beside me that I can't bring myself to shut my eyes. She smells as sweet as she tastes, and the modest nightgown I selected for her did nothing to dull my desire. I'm not sure why I thought it would.
I know why she kissed me. Hell, she fucking told me herself. The idea of her first kiss being a performance for all of Prynthian made her sick, and who could blame her? I just wish my heart could've left my body for the thirty seconds my lips were on hers.
I roll back over onto my back, tucking my arm behind my head, staring at the ceiling, begging the Mother for restraint. At least Neph is turned away from me so that I cannot see that beautiful, unguarded look on her face and how her cheek smushes adorably against the pillow.
My punishment arrives not soon after, my sins answered as she rolls over, mumbling to herself, her breasts pushed together and pointing through her stormy blue night gown. Some good the high neckline did.
Whenever she slept, I noticed she generally held a pillow around her arms, smashing her face against the cushion. At the edge of her pillow, she reaches out, her arms sliding around me instead. She murmurs incoherently, bringing her body closer where I have gone frozen with horror, staring down at her where she slips herself onto my chest, hiking her thigh over my hips.
I stay frozen for who knows how long when her hands finally settle against the flat of my chest. I can't help the impulse to drape my arm over her shoulders, slipping my other hand on the hollow of her waist. She hums approvingly, nuzzling deeper into the crook of my arm as I swallow a breath.
I'm not sure if I can do this.
I'm not sure if I can resist the desire to put my lips on hers when she looks at me with want in her eyes. I'm not sure I can spend another night alone with the knowledge of how it feels to fall asleep with her in my arms. I'm not sure I can keep my feelings for her a secret much longer.
Maybe I don't have to.
The thought is as fleeting as it is stupid. There's a reason I haven't gotten down on my knees and professed my love to her. Actually, there's a good few reasons, and surprisingly, none of them are pride.
Love scares her. I can see it in her eyes. I can see the fear when things start to move to fast. I can see her jump to rationalization at the drop of any emotion, blaming her wants on her body or our circumstance. And to be fair, that is probably what it is.
At least, that's what it is to her.
But to me, even before she was my mate, I wanted her in ways I've never known, unquantifiable ways. I wanted her heart more than I ever wanted her body. It was so instant and disarming, her wedging into my heart everyday bit by bit until one day I awoke, and it belonged to her.
And maybe that scared me.
Maybe, I'm scared that if I pull my heart from my chest and show her every valve that beats and bleeds and burns for her, she'll turn her nose in disgust. In horror. I always have been a grand coward. I've spent my life hiding, and the stakes have never been higher. The stakes will never be higher.
Even if I knew she would accept me, could I feel comfortable letting the world know that I want her in ways that aren't just sexual. That I... that I love her. Would I feel safe showing that bit of weakness to any of my enemies?
It would be one thing for us just to be arranged into a marriage as we are tomorrow, but to be mated? I won't be able to hide her importance behind wandering hands and provocative clothing. The world will know she is far from an object to me then.
And we all know how love worked out for Lucien.
What is to stop father from using her to leverage what he wants from me? What's to stop him from taking her as ensurance that I won't rise against him? What's to stop him from having her for himself, just to prove his dominance over me?
I didn't tell Neph the full story before.
Yes, father had caught me on my first kiss, but I had also caught him later. I had caught him later with his tongue down her throat and her skirts around her waist. The very same girl I had been kissing earlier, that is.
The lesson was so clear he didn't have to speak, but he did so anyway, rubbing salt in my wounds. "Let this teach you something, son," he had told me as if he was discussing some grand philosophy. "This is my kingdom. It will always be my kingdom, and thus, everything in the land is mine. Everyone. If you ever think you have a thing in your life that is completely yours, you're wrong. It is only by my mercy that I let you borrow any of my things, and I suggest remaining in my good grace, son. I'd hate to teach you what it's like to have nothing."
I was fourteen.
And as I hold Neph in my arms, I reach out with my magic to discreetly lock the door. I feel sick, considering how Nephele hates locked doors, but I tell myself that she's asleep and it's necessary. If for some cauldron forsaken reason my father decided to walk in, I shudder to think what he could be capable of. If he were to see me holding Nephele as she rests, fully clothed and purely in a palace of affection and not sexual desire, he would likely feel compelled to remind me of the truth that I cannot forget.
Nephele isn't mine because I don't even belong to myself. I belong to him.
...
I'm not surprised that I managed to find sleep last night, despite the tornado of thoughts bombarding my brain. Neph's touch is tranquillity, like sitting beside a steady river or drinking warm milk.
I'm also not surprised that Neph is still asleep. My fiancé is all energy and sunshine when she is awake, but she crashes hard when she's tired. It's no wonder she hadn't moved from my chest all night- she's practically a rock right now.
"Nephele," I murmur into her ear, wishing I could let her sleep. "Sweetheart, you need to wake up."
She groans, stubbornly keeping her eyes closed, burrowing deeper into my chest. "No," she whines. "Just wake me up when it's time for me to walk down the aisle."
Amusement tickles at my throat in turn with temptation. "Alright," I don't object. "I'll just tell Cressida you'll catch up with her after the ceremony."
Oh, she perks right up, looking up at me with suddenly wide eyes. "Cress is here?"
I shrug evasively, enjoying myself, glancing at the clock. "She'll be at the winnowing platform in- oh- five minutes, I believe," I tell her casually. "I figured since you didn't quite get a bachelorette party and there's only one person you'd trust to do your hair on your wedding day, I thought we'd kill two birds with one stone this morning, but if you want to stay in bed-"
"Eris Vansera," she snaps, shoving me as she sits up. "If you don't shut that pretty mouth of yours, I'm going to fry you- is she really here? You have got to be fucking with me."
"Why would I joke about-" I don't even get the words out before the air is squeezed from my lungs, her wrapping her arms so tightly around me that I see spots. Come to think of it, that might just be a side effect of her electrifying touch. Either way, I hold her back under one surprises arm, laughing into her hair.
"Thank you," she whispers, her voice sweet and sincere as she squeezes me tighter. "I'm serious, Eris. You're the best person I've ever met."
My breath catches as she pulls back slowly. "Better than Cressida?" I ask, hoping to dissolve into a joke before I do something ridiculous like begging her not to leave our bed.
She smiles, throwing her head back in laughter. "Let's not ask questions that will hurt our feelings, baby," she teases, kissing me on the cheek before springing from bed to dawn her robe. I barely regain my sense of space and time before she slips out the door to find Cressida.
"Wait- Neph," I grab her attention, and she pauses in the doorway, looking at me over her shoulder. I swallow. "Just... be smart. Keep Cressida away from my family and yours. Don't let them see that she matters to you, okay?"
She nods quietly, looking at the ground. "I got it," she smiles bitterly, meeting my eyes again. "She's just here to do my hair."
"Right," I swallow, smiling back at her. There's a moment of silence where I think she will turn to leave, but she doesn't.
She clears her throat. "Right," she echoes awkwardly. It's so very rare that she is awkward. "See you on the other side?"
I chuckle, nearly forgetting that we will be married in less than eight hours. "See you on the other side," I echo, throwing myself back onto the sheets when she leaves.