A Storm of Flames and Deceit

4. More Than Just a Bond

Eris

She was gone before lunch the next day, off to see Cressida for the evening after training, spending the night for their trip to the House of Wind tomorrow. For whatever reason, Lucien remains, lurking about my study like he itches to say something.

"What is it?" I ask impatiently. We met earlier to speak of courtly affairs. He usually left quickly after, whether it be for day or night or spring or his band of exiles. I think he didn't so much identify with autumn anymore. But even now, he lingers.

He shrugs passively, and I roll my eyes. "You don't have to be koi or beat around the bush. I never knew you to be indirect brother," I say, not looking up from my reports.

"I don't tread carefully for fear of judgement. I tread carefully because I'm not quite sure how to word my concern," he says, sitting on the chair across from my desk.

I set my papers aside, pulling my glasses off to look at him. "What is it?"

Lucien laughs dryly. "Take it from someone who knows the scorn of a mate's rejection," his voice is bitter. "Tell her how you feel. I can see that she wants you too. She's just afraid."

I'm briefly shocked to figure that he knows about the bond. I certainly hadn't told a soul, not even mother. But if I'm being honest, it's not surprising that it's something he could guess. I always suspected he could tell. "Telling her how I feel is one thing. Getting her to listen is another," I reply casually as if my heart weren't beating out of my chest. It's uneasy to be vulnerable when speaking with my brother, even though he's likely the most trustworthy man I've ever met, despite his foxish nickname. "I failed her trust, and I still haven't earned her forgiveness."

"Yes, you certainly did fuck up, didn't you?" Lucien laughs, braving my scowl.

"What does any of this even matter to you? Or do you just like to dottle in the people around you's personal relationships," I ask sourly. He ignores my tone, something hesitating in his features.

"Maybe I just want you to finally coronate. Maybe, despite my new lineage, I still want the best for the lands that raised me," he replies, a casual shrug. Honesty was never easy for him either. He doesn't look at me, twirling one of my quills between his fingers. I can't help but notice how similar we are then. Despite only sharing a mother, we shared an upbringing which has led us to be secretive by instinct. Has lead us hide in the face of anything truly vulnerable or real. Has taught us not to rely on each other. On anyone.

He shuts his eyes, gaining courage before catching my gaze. "I don't hate you, Brother. Despite what I'm sure you must think," he laughs quietly. "In brutal honesty, growing up, I hated you. I hated you because you were my big brother, and there wasn't a nurturing bone in your body. I hated you because you let them take the woman I loved before taking my eye. I hated you because you always seemed to be doing fine when the world was burning around you."

I frown, unsure what to think. This whole time, I always thought he hated me. Hated me because I was too similar to father. Hated me because I wasn't enough to save either of us.

"It took near centuries for me to see it as I do now," he says. "And now I see how you tried to harden me for father, to keep me barbed and protected from his wrath. You were his favorite, but he always beat you the most. I can't help but wonder how much of that was your manipulation, you keeping him away from us and mother. You taking the brunt of his attention."

My mouth goes dry. Of course, that's what I had been doing ever since I was old enough to realize that seeing mother beaten hurt worse than taking the beating my myself. When Lev and Darian were born, I loved them so much. I felt so responsible. I'm not sure when my love started dwindling for them, but the responsibility I felt over them never flickered out. And for Lucien...

He was always my favorite brother. It was never a conscious thing, but one day I woke up and realized what I had been doing this whole time. How I had been shielding anything I could from his wrath. How I couldn't hardly let go of it, even as it slowly killed me from the inside out. Even as I slowly became a man who knows better than to trust happiness.

"I never hated you more than I did that day when you let them kill the woman I loved. That day father took my eye, and Lev and Darian played his attack dogs for whatever twisted validation they needed from him," his fingers absentmindedly run over his scars then, as if he could still feel the blade piercing his skin. I know I still hear his screams when that eye whirs, the exact frequency of my failure. "But it was you who tipped off Tamlin that I needed help, wasn't it? Just like how it was you who tipped off night when Morrigan was abandoned at the border?"

My breath catches. "How did you know that?"

He smiles ruefully. "We're more similar than you think, brother."

I take little comfort in that.

"You're terribly protective. I've seen it with Neph. You would rather be hated by the one you love than to see them suffer," he says it. It's not a question, but it feels like it should be. He seems so certain of that judgement when I'm unsure myself.

"When did you get so observant?" I groan, wishing he didn't know these things about me. Unsure why I still wish to hide away.

Lucien smiles mother's grin. My grin. Crooked. Free. "Try not to act so surprised, brother. You're not nearly as good at hiding as you think," he replies. "Though, you seem to have fooled Neph."

"She wants nothing to do with me," I answer simply. "Thats not something either of us can hide, though we certainly tried at the Night Court yesterday."

"Yes, I heard about Nephele's startling reappearance at Night," Lucien smiles. "I wonder how it took you so long to find that you were mates. You guys are so terribly similar- equal but opposite."

That's not something I've ever seen. While we have a good bit in common, I've never considered us equal. She is good and kind and every right thing in this world. In her light, I'm scum. She is far better than me, far from my equal.

"And you think she's better than you in every conceivable way," Lucien seems to read my mind, grinning. "That's how I know it's more than just the bond to you. You love her."

My eyes flare, probably giving me away. "Are we gonna talk girls now, brother?" I reply. "I thought you lingered for something important."

Lucien rolls his eyes, hardly looking surprised by my deflection. I hate being predictable almost as much as I hate being vulnerable. "You're my brother Eris. As far as I'm concerned, you're my only brother," he tells me, and that stupid older brother part of my heart swells, proud of itself. "And Neph is my friend. I want her every happiness even she can't see for herself yet."

I stare after him as he stands. "Yes, I want you to coronate with Neph beside you if only to bring a bit of calm and finality to all of Prynthian," he says, tying his hair into a bun with a strap of leather, probably off to do something important. "But- alarming as it is- I want your happiness, brother. You've earned to be happy. Now, you just need to earn her forgiveness."

With a wink, he winnows away, leaving me alone and baffled and strangely smiling, the foolish older brother who is happy to hear that his little brother doesn't hate him anymore.