PAP29
"What do you think about marrying me?"
Pakiramdam ko ay biglang tumigil ang oras at sa ilang mabilis na segundo ay bigla akong nilukob ng mahabang kaisipan. Nakatulala lang ako kay Cell habang siya ay tila naghihintay ng sagot ko. I don't even know how I am going to express my shock!
Mukha akong tanga na parang bigla na lang nawala sa earth at napunta sa sariling dimensyon ng utak ko kung nasaan nag-aabang ang lahat ng pampagulong saloobin depende sa iba't-iba kong emosyong naghahari ngayon sa sistema ko!
But...
It's hypothetical! Tama! Bakit ka ba biglang nag-overthink dyan, Free? Tanong lang naman! What do you think daw!
I chuckled. Right!
Binalik ko ang tingin ko kay Cell na seryoso pa ring nakatingin saakin. Ngumiti ako. I let go of my grasp in his shirt. Bumalik ako sa normal kong pagkakahiga sa tabi niya. I settled my eyes on the sky to calm my nerves first from the sudden chaos I felt for a minute.
"I wanna marry you..." I peacefully repeated the words I said a while ago. "Hindi mo ba narinig ang sinabi ko kanina?"
The rush I felt a while ago is slowly vanishing from my system. I let my thought wander in my imagination peacefully.
"I heard you..."
"Then, stop asking!" sabi ko at hindi pa rin tumitingin sa kanya. Nag-init ang dalawa kong pisngi.
He chuckled. Umirap ako ngunit sa huli ay hindi ko na rin nagawa pang panatilihin ang inis ko. I don't wanna let go of the topic we have now. Minsan lang din ako magkalakas ng loob para sa mga ganitong usapan.
I am so scared of what the future may bring but, on some days, if it's still possible that we can really make it there, I also wonder how exciting that would be.
"It's just natural... because I love you...." I said. Lumingon ako sa kanya saglit at nag-iwan ng ngiti noong nagkasalubong ang tingin namin. His eyes are too serious but there's a hint of intensity in it. I put my eyes back to the sky and chuckle.
"Alam mo, hindi ko naisip na isang araw, lalabas 'to sa bibig ko. Love is too vague for me. I don't know how it works and how does it feel. Aside from that, my emotions have always been far away from me..."
I am unemotional. I always fail to have a grasp on my emotions. I cannot recognize what is supposed to be intense or not. Para bang nakasusi ang mga emosyon ko at hindi ko iyon mahawakan. What love should I give? Why should I cry? Is this pain?
I must have been numb already from all the pain I experienced before. When I realized that, I stopped looking for answers and just accepted everything.
But Cell... it just snapped one day that he manages to get a hold of my emotions. The first time I told him I love him is also the same day I realized I do. Habang naglalakad siya noon papalapit saakin, bigla na lang may sumagi sa isip ko at halos magwala ang puso ko.
This is how it feels... I know I said that to myself that day. Even if I've been confused for a long time, in the sight of him, I feel like I have known it all of my life. This is what love feels like...
"But right now," I paused for a while. "－especially right now. Seeing you wake up next to me every morning makes me so happy. Feeling ko araw-araw mas nagiging selfish ako tuwing gugustuhin ko na sana ganito nalang palagi..."
"It's not selfishness..."
Tumaas ang kilay ko at lumingon sa kanya. "Eh, ano pala?"
He smirked a little. "Nothing bad, at least. I want it, too," he said and cleared his throat.
