Jack & Lucy

Lucy

I was feeling anxious. I hadn't slept well due to the imaginary conversations I kept having with my mother in my head. I had tried to think of everything she was going to say when I told her I was going full-time with my YouTube career and that New York was just a massive disappointment. I was trying to pluck up the courage to finally tell her that my dream turned into a nightmare and that I had no desire to ever move back to the city- but I think I ended up just keeping poor Jack awake next to me. 

He seems calm today, which I am thankful for. He seems to have dove headfirst into boyfriend duties and I am impressed. He doesn't seem to be doubting his decision to make me his girlfriend and I found myself not wanting to check his phone once yesterday. I'm starting to trust him, which scares the bejeezus out of me. That we are so far past just "friends" that we are at the point of no return. If we have a falling out now, we'll have to be erased from each other's lives. Our parking lot blow-up will look like a little tiff compared to what would happen if he decides he can't handle a relationship after all. 

I am also realizing that our relationship is not much different than our friendship was. Other than him not openly checking out women in front of me now and I am not just fantasizing from afar. Even yesterday felt like old times. Just having fun, laughing together, razzing each other and attempting to focus on the task at hand. We also weren't allowing the outside world to disturb us just yet. He was even able to help push Maggie from my mind for most of the evening. He made it a point to not let me linger on that drama which was fine because I couldn't think of anything else until this dinner was over. The dread of seeing my mother and sister has been weighing me down and even poppy, shoulder-bouncing music wasn't easing my anxiety like I thought it would. 

Jack is next to me, enduring my music choices with his left hand flopped out of the open window. His head is tipped back and his eyes are covered by his dark glasses but the corners of his lips sit in an easy smirk. I really think he is at ease heading to my parents. I find my body is still buzzing with anxiety and I try to channel some of Jack's calm energy. As Taylor Swift blatantly tells me that I need to calm down, Jack turns the volume down and asks, "Your parents know I am coming right?" 

I nod, "Yes, I said I was bringing a friend."

"A friend? You just left it at that?"

"My sister asked me to elaborate but I didn't. I didn't need her jumping to conclusions." Jack laughs and I flick my gaze over to him, "What?"

"You said you're bringing a friend. The only conclusion to jump to is a boyfriend." I shake off my irritation. I needed to give them a heads-up that I was bringing a guest, but I didn't know what to say without me having to explain everything through text. And what was I going to say? Oh yes, I am bringing the man I have been obsessed with for the past three years to dinner a month after I left my fiancé, but no, he had nothing to do with my decision to leave New York.  The thought of my sister and mom thinking Blake jumped ship because I was in love with someone else is not an option. I just don't know if they'll devour me because of Blake or because I dropped New York and my bakery job as well. My mother is not going to be happy that I am living with a man, getting paid off YouTube videos, and losing my job because of a petty tiff with my manager. 

I also need to ask my mom for money and I think that is what's making me so anxious. She doesn't do handouts and is never one to shy away from mentioning how much my training and schooling added up over the years. But I need a new laptop and camera and while Stella and Jack have been so generous, I can't rely on constantly asking for favors. I'm twenty-eight, not eighteen. I need to convince my mother that my life isn't as big a mess as it sounds but asking for money is not a great way to start. 

Suddenly the buzzing fills my entire body and my breath gets lodged in my throat. My hands shake and I can no longer focus on the road ahead of me. It feels like the buzzing is trying to physically claw its way out of my body and I might throw up. It's been years since I've had a full-blown panic attack and just thought of telling my mother the truth sent me into a spiral. I start waving spastically and I hear Jack ask, "Luce, what's wrong?" I claw at the seatbelt to move it away from my tightening chest and Jack makes a hard right into a neighborhood.