Jack & Lucy

Jack

She finally said it. Something finally caused Lucy's guard to drop and she said the words I had been waiting to hear. She looked relieved after she said it. Like those three words have been physically weighing her down. I don't know what has been holding her back, but I was so happy she said them. It felt like another barrier had been lifted between us and it was another reminder that I could not fuck this up. That I needed to continue to be a good boyfriend with my head out of my ass. 

The rest of the drive to Tucson was uneventful and I think the panic attack drained Lucy. She drifted to sleep about ten minutes after pulling back onto the road and I let her sleep for the remainder of the drive. I know that I told Lucy that I was aware of her anxiety, but I had never seen a full-blown attack before. It was startling and at first, I had absolutely no idea how to help. Then I remembered her once telling me that when she used to have an anxiety attack, she would walk through the basics of her sugar cookie recipe. That's how she memorized all the measurements and ingredients. She needed to distract her brain with something she could picture and focus on. 

I know Lucy's family stresses her out, I know she and her sister aren't close, I just didn't realize how much pressure Lucy was under to appear put together and that pressure is slowly creeping onto me. Lucy has told her mother nothing about me, and I wanted to go in and just be myself. I'm now realizing I can't go in there and be carefree, laid-back Jack. I need to be on my best behavior with my best face forward. I worry about what Lucy will do if her mother doesn't approve of us. Or of me. 

I have to shake Lucy awake when we arrive at the security gate that tucks away the 55 and older community her parents live in. She shakes off her nap and then relays the gate code to me. Once we are able to roll through the bronze gate, I realize her parent's luxury home sits within an endless stretch of million-dollar ranch-style houses. Golf carts are the vehicle of choice on these roads and plastic blondes are seated next to their wrinkly husbands as they wiz by us. Lucy instructs me up a small hill and I spot a golf course tucked behind the houses on the west side. 

"Your parents live in a luxury community and you are worried about asking for a laptop?" I ask in awe as I look around the stucco and stone houses. My parents are well off in Phoenix, but even they don't live in an area this lavish.

"My parents don't live in luxury by giving their money away," Lucy mutters in a tone that says she's only repeating what she's heard before and her eyes stay glued to the houses we pass. 

"Did you ever live here?" I ask as we continue to pass curved driveways. 

"I did after I left New York when I was twenty-one. I left to Scottsdale when I was twenty-three and then enrolled in ASU when I was twenty-four."

"I'm surprised it took you two years to get out of Tucson. What did you do here?" I ask, slightly in disgust because I really don't know what there is to do for a twenty-one-year-old here.

"I worked for the golf course and performed in the local ballets. Taught some classes."

"Okay, so when did you officially hang up your ballet slippers then?" I ask her. "Because I haven't seen you in anything since I've known you. So it's been at least three years." 

She nods, "The last time I put my foot in my pointe was the closing night of The Nutcracker. I went to Phoenix to audition for that ballet and after that night, I was done. So yeah, it's now been five years." 

"But to your mom, it's been five minutes," I say as she points to the sandy brown ranch at the end of the cul-de-sac. 

"To my mom, it still hasn't happened. Just wait," she says and I slowly roll onto the driveway. There is a sleek Lexus SUV parked in front of the chocolate brown garage door and it's weird to think the Lucy I know comes from money. I never associate that with her. I don't even think she carries a name-brand purse.