No Good For You

XLVII

It had been a few hours and Jack had gone home because apparently Psycho would be coming to watch over and keep me company through the night.

The sun was completely down and the only thing that lit my room was a lamp on the nightstand.
I heard my door open and looked over at Psycho entering.

"Hey, Psy."
"Hi..." he replied.
"What's going on?"
"How are you feeling?" he ignored my question and asked.
"The nurses gave me some meds so I'm pretty okay now."
"Good."

He just stood there looking at the floor.

"You can sit down, you know?" I offered.
He quietly took the seat next to me.

"She's dead." he stated.
My brows furrowed in confusion. "Who?"
He looked at me. "Megan."
"Oh...who did it?"
"All of us."
"Huh?"
"We took turns. For hours. Her limbs are in separate crates from the rest of her body. Pulled out her teeth. Pulled off her fingernails. Shot her in places that wouldn't kill her fast. Beat her until we couldn't tell who she was anymore...We were pissed."
I just stared at him. I couldn't say I was surprised but...that was extreme. And disturbing.
"I'm still pissed. I'd do it again and not feel bad about it. We all would."
I looked at the ceiling.
"Riot hit her until his hand was bleeding. And then a bit more after that. I think he was the most angry actually."
"Really?" I asked and looked back at him.
He looked back at me.
I looked away again.

"At the last second, he pulled out a gun and shot her in her face."
I didn't know what to think.

He sighed.

"You two are terrifying." he stated.
"How?" I wondered.
"You make me worry about you."
"I know you guys think he has issues and that's why he shouldn't be in a relationship but..."
"It's worse than that, Leila. He doesn't think critically. He can't even control his own emotions. The asshole just throws his fists when he's angry and it doesn't matter who they come in contact with. He made you cry just for being happy, Lei! He's a tickin' time bomb and I don't wanna know what he'll put you through if we just let him."
My eyes were beginning to water from frustration and confusion.
"But I can't help it..." I told him.

He was quiet.

"Psycho, I've tried. I tried getting the affection and attention from others but it never felt the same as when it was from him." I stated.
We looked at each other.
I sniffed. "I never felt the same way if someone looked me in my eyes. Psycho, I didn't want to fall for him, I swear I didn't...but I couldn't help it. I wanted to stop because it was just yelling and us making each other feel bad but...I like him." I nodded as my tears fell. "And I don't want to. But I do and I wanna stop it but I can't."
He looked back down at the floor.

"B's pissed. I don't think I should have left those two alone." Psycho mentioned.
I figured as much.
"Has he ever physically hurt you? Like hit you?" he asked.
"No. Never. We've just yelled at one another."
"Okay."

I looked back at the ceiling.

"You gonna tell Jack about this?" he questioned and I hated that question because it needed an answer.
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"No."
"So you're gonna stay with him?"
"I think so. I feel bad. Jack's been really good to me and...he deserves to be treated as such. This is my first real relationship and I've already been fuckin' it up. What's wrong with me, Psy? Why am I like this?" I wondered.
"I don't know. You ain't used to the good stuff so you don't know how to accept it?"
I didn't respond.
"Ain't your fault. Guess we never really showed you how you should let yourself be treated. As long as they ain't hurt you, we ain't really care."
"Do you think B will ever forgive me for breakin' that promise?"
"I can't answer that."
That made me sad.
"Do you think he hates me now?"
"Hate? Nah. Disappointed? Yea. Extremely."

Fuck.

"I'm sure he's trying to stick all of the blame onto Riot though. Just because." he assumed.

"Psycho..." I called.
"Yea?" Psy replied.
"Why do you guys hate Riot?"
"I don't hate him. I just know he's on edge."
"Why do Zachariah and B hate him?"
"I don't know...I think Zachariah hates him because he and Riot are alike."
I looked at him.

"The anger issues. The voice. The build. The violence being his only form of communication and reinforcement. They're twins. Zachariah hates that and I don't know why. You'd expect him to show favoritism to the one that's most like him."
"Yea..."
"As for B..." Psy began again. "I'm not sure. Since I was young those two had been at each other's throats. B just always seemed to have a disgust for Riot. The only time they came together was when it was for my sake. If Zachariah made me upset, their fights would be put on hold so they could console me. They'd let me know I'm not crazy or stupid like Zachariah said I was. At first it was me. Now it's both you and me. Except for right now. They're kind of on two different sides of the spectrum at the moment."

"Psycho." I called him.
"Yea?"
"I love you."
He looked at me. "I love you too."

"I only want the best for the three of you." I added.
"Yea, I know."
"I'm sorry for stressin' you out."
He snickered. "It's okay."

I turned my head and looked over at the window that separated me and the night sky.

"Psycho..."
"Hm?"
"...I still like him."
"I know."
"I tried to stop."
"I know that too."
"How do I stop?"
"You can't."
"But..."
"You tried and you failed. Maybe this is just somethin' you gotta learn the hard way. If there is a hard way. Maybe me and B are wrong and you'll make each other better people. I don't know these things. I just know that I want you to be as happy and as at peace and comfortable as possible for as long as possible."

I looked back at him and nodded.

"I don't ever think anybody's gonna be good enough but that's not my call. It's yours. Make the right one."

I didn't know which was the right one.

Was I supposed to follow my brain and take the prestigious man that didn't have a dangerous job or carry a pistol. He didn't yell and he didn't spit out threats. He was so gentle, respectful, and caring.

Or do I follow my heart and take the tough guy with the tattoos who'd rather kill someone than lose me. The one that makes me feel like millions of fireworks are going off every time we kiss. He made me flustered and feel so excited.

Complicated.