No Good For You

XLIX

Riot had turned off the shower and we were both wrapped in a towel before heading off to my bedroom.

I crawled in bed and he kneeled down next to it.

"What do I think of you?" he restated.
"Yea..."

I needed clarification. I couldn't devote myself to someone who still saw me as a body. I wanted him to like me for me. Not because I make his dick feel good.

"I don't know." he replied.

I looked away from him.
That's what I thought he'd say.

I laid down and rolled over.
"Goodnight." I told him but a part of me felt like crying.

I was gently grabbed and made to roll back over and face him.
We looked in each other's eyes.

"I don't know because I did a real shitty job at trying to get to know you." he continued.

"I ain't ask you what you like. What you hate. I don't know how to do that stuff. I watch you and figure shit out on my own but I ain't like James or whatever his name is. I don't know how to plan a date. I don't know the first step to being in an actually good relationship."

That made me a bit concerned but then I realized...I didn't know either.

"I think you're pretty." he stated. "And I mean it. I think you're beautiful. I like your smile and your eyes. I like that they get bigger when you see somethin' you like."
His words made me happier.
"I think you're smart in different ways. Like you know how to make all of us feel better and shit. We can't ever be mad when you're in the house because you always make us talk shit out or whatever."
I snickered.
"I think you deserve better than me. Which is why I can't be mad that you went to Jake. But I want you to be with me. So that just mean I gotta get better and become somethin' you deserve. Because you deserve better...but that better gotta be me."
He'd gotten a bit better at expressing his thoughts and I wondered how.

"I think you're an angel for puttin' up with my bullshit." he scoffed.
"I couldn't stay away from you..." I said quietly. "No matter how much I tried and wanted to."
"For how long?" he wondered.
"Since my birthday last year."
"Hm..."
"How long for you?" I asked in return.
"Three years ago. September 16th."

Three? I thought he'd hated me up until my 22nd birthday.

"You saw a dog and it-..."
"It kept barking at me and I got scared..." I finished for him. I'm not scared of much but I think dogs might be my number one.
"And you hid behind me and held onto my shirt for dear life. It wasn't even angry with you. The thing wanted to play. But you were on the verge of tears and clinging onto me like I was immune to dog attacks." he chuckled.
I snickered. I'd forgotten all about that until he mentioned the word 'dog'.

"All three of us were out there but I liked that you chose me to hide behind. I don't know why." he claimed. "I thought about that shit for like a week afterwards. I couldn't get the feeling of your arms around me out of my fuckin' head. I thought I was goin' crazy."
"You were mean to me that same day." I laughed.
"I was?"
"Yea, you said 'it's just a dog, dumbass'." I mocked.
He laughed.
"That was easy for you to say, you could probably throw it across the yard." I added.
"I never knew how to console somebody. Best I could do was make you feel stupid for bein' afraid of somethin' you had no business bein' afraid of. That's all I knew how to do. I'm gettin' better though I think."
"I think so too."
"You do?"
"Mhm. You've been very gentle recently. You ask me if I'm okay and how I'm feeling. I appreciate it."
"Good. I don't want you thinkin' I don't care about you. 'Cause I do." he stated. "I just ain't know how to show it...but I'll work on it for you to believe me."
"Who taught you?" I wondered.
"Psycho. Kinda."
"Kinda?"
"The asshole got some weird methods. He made me tell him how I felt and we spent three hours doin' that shit in my bedroom because he wouldn't let me go to sleep until I could put everything I felt in words and stopped yelling or hittin' shit. I'm just repeatin' what I told him."
"You kept yelling?"
"He'd ask me a question and I'd think about it. He'd tell me to hurry up. And I said I couldn't. He'd tell me to figure it the fuck out and then I'd just get pissed off and hit or throw some shit and then I'd just shout everything and he was like, 'there you go'. Then left my room." He sounded confused just explaining it so I can only imagine how lost he was when it actually happened.
"You're doing very well."
He snickered. "Thank you."

"If you liked me...why did you keep saying the things you did?" I asked him.
"I don't know."
I sighed.
"That's a lie. I do know. I'm just a bad person." he scoffed. "I knew it would hurt you and I think I was tryin' hard to hide that I liked you. Or I was tryin' to get over it. Especially since I kept being told I was bad for you. It slipped out and I've regretted it ever since. Because me talkin' to you like that would make me regret it for the next few days. I was mad then. Didn't know how to cope. I got some shit I need to work on."

We both stayed there staring at each other while in thought. I didn't know what to say and I guess he didn't either. I think we said all that we needed to. Next was just me deciding what and who I wanted. Which was a very hard decision to make given the options.