No Good For You

LIII

After I got off of the elevator, I waited a few minutes just thinking to myself before getting back on and going back to Riot's room.

I came up with a conclusion. The reason for my indecisiveness. Why I felt lost.
I headed over there quickly.

I made it without any run ins and luckily his door was unlocked, but right when I entered, he was leaving his bathroom with a towel drying his hair and only in a pair of sweatpants.

We made eye contact.

"Can I help you?" he asked and tossed his towel into the hamper.

I looked at the floor.

"Did you know I'm afraid of you?" I stated.
"What?"

I didn't know how to explain it. I could feel what I wanted to say and it was bringing me to tears but I couldn't say it. I didn't know how.

"I don't know what you're talkin' about." he claimed.
"You scare me..." I added.
"Okay...? Scare you how?"
I looked up at him with watery eyes.

"Do you actually like me?" I wondered.
"We've been over this." He began walking towards me.
"Don't say that. Just answer the question. Do you actually like me? Don't think about my body. Don't reminisce on the times in the bedroom or the shower or a club bathroom. Do you actually like me?"
"Yes."
"Riot..."
"YES, LEILA!" he shouted. "I'm serious! Just believe me! I do!"
"WHY DON'T I FEEL LIKE YOU DO?!"
"I DON'T KNOW!"

We just stared at each other.

"I don't know." he repeated and shrugged.

I looked back at the floor.

"I just want to feel like you actually want me..." I stated.
"I don't know how to do that. Am I supposed to buy you something?! Do you want a handwritten letter?! TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO, AND I'LL DO IT!"
"I DON'T KNOW! I JUST WANT TO FEEL IT!"
He turned away from me and walked with one hand on his hip and the other on his head.

"This doesn't make any fuckin' sense. You want me to show it but you don't know how?"
"Yea..."
"What the fuck..." he sighed and paced in a circle while staring at the ceiling. "You're fuckin' nuts, you know that?"
I didn't answer.
"Show me, Riot...show you how, Leila?" He shrugged to mock me.

I just watched him pace.

"Why don't you show me?" he asked and looked at me.
"What?"
"You don't show me that you like me. You're with some other asshole this entire time while I wallow around with a fuckin' bailiff on my shoulder for 22 hours a day. But you're goin' on dates with someone else claimin' you like me."
I just listened.
"I don't feel it either." he stated.

"I told you-..." I replied.
"I TOLD YOU! BUT APPARENTLY TELLIN' YOU AIN'T ENOUGH SO HOW COME IT GOTTA BE ENOUGH FOR ME?!" he yelled.
"Because I can't show it to someone I feel like doesn't want me back."
"LEILA, I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!" he shouted.

I stood there.

"I WAKE UP AND YOU'RE MY FIRST THOUGHT! I GO TO BED AND YOU'RE MY LAST! I SPEND EVERY FUCKIN' SECOND AWAY FROM YOU WONDERIN' WHERE YOU ARE AND IF YOU'RE OKAY! I DREAM ABOUT YOU! I DON'T FUCKIN' KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME! I'VE NEVER HAD THIS BEFORE! AM I SUPPOSED TO-..."
I interrupted him and just wrapped my arms around his waist as I laid my head against his chest.
I could hear his heart racing.
I felt him wrap his arms around me.

This was the first real hug we'd shared.

"You're loud, and you're mean, and you've made me cry so many times that I don't think I could've kept count."
"I know..." he rested his head on top of mine.
"Whatever we had was really toxic..."
"I know..."
"Do you think it would always be like that?"
"I don't know..."

I took a deep breath.

"I know what you think." he began.
"What?"
"You think people can only want you for your body. And I taught you that. Because I said it. I kept tryin' to force it into your head. And it was a shitty way of trying to make sure I was the only one that would have you. And ain't only tell you, I treated you like it was all I wanted. I was a terrible fuckin' person for doing that to you and I won't ever forgive myself because now you can't see yourself how everyone, especially me, actually sees you."
My chest became tight.
He gently took my face and made me look up at him.
"That ain't true, alright?" he stated.
I nodded.
"Don't just nod because you think it's what I want you to say. Nod because you believe me. It ain't true. You're not only wanted for your body. I didn't even only want you for your body. It was just all I knew how to get. I want your everything. Like...Like your attention...your smile...I want your happiness to come from me too. I don't like when I make you unhappy. That shit's a different kind of hurt. I don't know how I'd get any of that but I'd figure it out."
I grinned softly at him.
"Yea...That's what I want." he stated.
He let my face go and we hugged again.

"You like him more than me?" he asked.
"No." I answered.
"You're still with him."
"Yea."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"You always gonna be with him?"
"No."
"When will it stop?"
I looked up at him.

"I want it to be my turn..." he stated.