No Good For You

LVII

"So that's a yes?" Jack texted.
"Yea, sounds fun." I responded.
"It will be, I swear!"

I read over the message but didn't feel the same excitement he did. I had to get up to begin packing.
Riot and I hadn't spoken since yesterday all though I've seen him a few times since then. I always stop to try and speak but he walks past like I was just a ghost he didn't notice. It hurts. But I know I deserve it.

I went downstairs and saw Psycho and B dressed.

"You're still not comin'?" B asked me.
I shook my head.
"What's wrong with you?"
"Nothin'. I just don't feel like clubbing tonight."
"That's why I think somethin's wrong with you." he stated.
"I'm fine, B. I'm serious."
"Mm."
"Is Riot going with you?" I wondered.
"No, he's still sick."
"Oh...okay..."
A part of me was happy he'd be staying.

The elevator opened and we all looked.

Out came Riot, dressed up and looking down at his phone.

"Never mind then." B stated.
"What?" Riot asked and looked up as he walked over.
"Thought you weren't comin'."
"Yea. All of a sudden I'm feelin' better." He walked past me and headed to the car.
I felt my chest fall.
"Well alright." B stated and followed behind.

I looked at the floor.

"I wish I knew what to tell you but I don't." said Psycho. "Just do what you think is right." he instructed.
I heard the door shut and knew he'd left.

The problem with those instructions was that I didn't know which was right. My brain says to go with Jack for health reasons and security. But my heart wants to be held by Riot...even if it's only for a little. I don't know what I think is right. They both are in their own way, but I guess I can't be selfish and have them both. I don't even deserve them both. I'd have to pick one.

I went upstairs to finish packing my suitcases.

____________________________________

Jack sat with me in my room as we went over all of the things I should pack. I'd packed everything except clothes for the past few days but now I was stumped.

"Well if you have all of your hygiene equipment. The rest is just clothes. Throw everything into a bag." he insisted.
"It's not that easy, Jack!" I told him.
He sighed.
"Maybe I need to go shopping."
"You go shopping enough!" he claimed.
"You expect me to wear all of this in ITALY?!" I asked him.
He just stared at me. "Yes."

I grabbed a dress off of a hanger. "This doesn't give Italy. It's more of a Paris dress. You need to know these things."
He groaned then laid back on my bed.

"Just pretend you're in Paris when you put it on." he offered.
"Is this some kind of sick joke to you?"
He laughed. "How about this? You take a few things from home and we go shopping for your new clothes in Italy."
I gasped. "YOU'RE A GENIUS!" I shouted and jumped on him.
He gave me a kiss before making us sit up.
"I haven't even packed yet, so I gotta go take care of that." he stated.
"Okay."
"Walk with me?"
"Of course."

I got off of him and we left my room.

When we made it downstairs, we spoke at the door.

"So we'll only spend one night in London. Just for me to gather everything and show you the studio, then we'll head over to Italy." he explained.
"Okay."

"Hey, Riot!" I heard him say and I turned around.
Riot was coming down the stairs.
He looked at me and I held up my hand to wave kindly but he looked away and went to the kitchen. I hated that.

"Strange. Is he alright?" Jack asked.
"Yea. He's fine, I think." I lied.
"Well okay."
"I need to hop in the shower. I'll text you." I stated.
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."
I nodded and he kissed my cheek before walking out of the door.

Once it closed, I went to find Riot in the kitchen.

He was leaving and we bumped into each other.

"Good, now I know I'm not a ghost..." I joked awkwardly.
He walked past me.
"Are you ever gonna stop ignoring me?" I asked softly.
He stopped walking.
"I'm sorry..." I began. "I just...I'm less scared with him..."
He turned and looked at me. "What the hell does that even mean? You keep tellin' me you're scared of me but you keep followin' me and you won't tell me why."
"Jack's never yelled at me. He's never insulted me. He hasn't torn me down. He talks things out when we're upset with one another. I don't know what to expect if I let us work out. And that's scary."
He just stared at me.
"Have you ever had a successful relationship in the past?" I asked him.
"...No."
I scoffed. "Neither have I. Until him."
"You ain't even give me a chance to try." he stated.
"I did. You just didn't realize it. Every time I slept with you and wanted to be near you I was hoping you'd respond in a way that showed you actually cared about me and I never got it until it was too late and I found someone else who gave it to me without me having to ask..."
He looked at the floor.
"But I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you. I should have." I walked closer to him. "I feel just as strongly about you as you do about me if not more. But I don't wanna be scared. I want something that lasts. I've never had that before."
"We were supposed to have it for the first time together." he stated.
"I'm sorry..."
"Are you?"
"I am."
"I ain't stand a chance, did I?" he scoffed.
"I don't know...maybe..."
"Don't lie to me."
"I'm not..."
"He better than me?"
"No...only healthier."
"You're leavin' tomorrow, ain't you?" he remembered.
I nodded.
He held my face in his hands and his eyes looked into mine.
"I really don't want you to..." he said with wet eyes.
"I know..."
"A year?" he panted.
I nodded.
"...You happy?"
I didn't want to answer. But I nodded anyway.
"Okay..." he nodded back. "Okay." He kissed my forehead.

Not as happy as when I'm with him though...

"Have fun, alright?" he instructed as he held me close to him. "Don't get in any trouble."
I sniffed. "Okay..."
He let me go.
I quickly walked away before he could see me cry or make me do something I shouldn't. I can't help but want to hug and kiss him every time I look into those eyes. That's what keeps bringing me back.