New Moon- Jaspers tale

Alice-Nothing

I know that Jasper wants to leave, but I just can't. After finding my mark I'm getting flashes of a previous life everywhere, from seeing a particular stone to the scent of a local florist, it's everywhere. Some memories are nice, just 2 days ago I remembered going in to the corner shop and in my previous life buying an envelope for a letter I was excited for. Usually however the memories are awful, filled with fear or pain or anger. Some don't make sense, some when mixed with others start to make sense and unfortunately a lot of the painful ones make sense straight away.
I know he is starving but he won't leave my side, a part of me is grateful for this, the other part is getting frustrated that he is being denied because of me. I put on a brave face to encourage him to go, but I don't think he buys it.
I think I'm loosing my powers as I can't see the future anymore. I can't see Jaspers future anymore, although that could be because he won't make a decision without me. I can't see Edwards future anymore * I can't see Bella's future either. Although it could be because I am less attuned to her decisions, or maybe she blocked me out just like she did with Edwards mind reading talent. I haven't seen anything since we got here. Maybe it's a form of punishment, before I didn't know the past so I got the future, but now I have a past I am not allowed the future. I sound like I've gone crazy now, selling the future for the past, I'm just like everyone at school had said.
Once again I try searching for anything, I can smell Jasper as he gets ready in the next room, his smell is very earthy. It's a mixture of oak and grass and stone, very sensual and musky.
He finally leaves and I return to my new past-time, failing to see the future.
Then at last I see something, white lights and I'm there:
I'm back in forks, and I'm burying Charlie. If Bella is there I don't recognise her, I don't recognise anyone. I'm all alone, and I feel weak.
I return to the hotel room, present day, and I want Jasper to hold me whilst I try to forget what I have seen. But he isn't back yet, I instead write down all of my human memories in chronological order, and I realise I'm missing a day in between the florist memory and being injected with something in the asylum. My old life doesn't make any sense, how did I go from being a shy polite girl to being locked up and drugged up.
I need to figure it out, I need my past to make sense, just for myself more than anything but I want to be whole for Jasper too. I need to be strong for him, I know he is going through a difficult time over his slip up, he only chose this life to be with me, sometimes I think he'd be happier with his friends Charlotte and Peter.
Jasper finally returns and then I have a vision, Carlisle will ring and then Jasper will need to pack for a flight.
At least my visions are returning to me, but I'm not ready to leave yet.