My Ex-Boyfriend Is My Professor (Under Edited)

CHAPTER 41

"You know, if people would tell me that I have changed.. I always say that, I used to be a source of optimism before, and now I am too far off from the that kind of person I was."

There were things I wish I’d said when I was holding his hands. Of how much I appreciate him, that I like him for being him and how lucky I am that I’ve met such a loving soul.

Nakakatawa kung paano ang mga memorya na kasama siya na patuloy paring pinapagabagabag sa akin tuwing gabi.

At times I want to draw his face closer to mine and tell his eyes how happy I am to be loved by him. I wanted to whisper in his ears I love him, every day. I love him not because of what he do nor can do for me, but because my soul finds its calm in loving him.

"I wasn't use to sharing things about sadness itself, all that I could offer was comforting words like everything will be fine, and it will pass..." Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kulay pulang bolang ibinigay niya sa akin, then I closed my fist. "...I was skipping the phase of being down and upset, for I was a person who just bottle things up deep within me.. setting it aside as if not speaking about it would mean it never existed."

I guess there was so much I wish I’d done when I was with him. And every day my head would play them like broken records, scene after scene. Sometimes it gets loud that all of a sudden the sadness creeps out and cracks my eyes wide open. Funny how at times I feel like a culprit of my own thoughts. Because no matter how fast I run away from the memories of him, they keep up to my pace and knock me on my knees, leaving me weak on the pavement.

And all I could ever do is pray..

"And now that I can truthfully share it and talk about the said emotion, I feel so free from my own past skin. I have never been this honest towards myself.. this change made me a better person I have ever been."

"But why are you not happy?" Saglit akong natulala sa kaniya ng itanong niya sa akin yun.

"Because he's back.. he's back like we didn't know each other, like we didn't share a memories together. And he was looking at me yesterday like he didn't know me." Sabi ko bago napayuko. Hindi alam kung ano pa ang kasunod na sasabihin ko.

"Anong itsura ng pag-ibig para sa'yo?" Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kaniya ng magtanong siya.

Saglit akong nagisip bago sumagot sa tanong niya na nasa kawalan ang tingin.

"Not always cozy, but eager for tomorrow. Get up in the morning, even if your eyes are full. The lips are not stingy with thanks and forgiveness..." Tumingin ako sa kaniya, nakatingin rin ito sa akin, pinapakinggan ako. "...The palms are wide to receive. Not white and smooth, but honest and clean. There is no stain of pretense. If promised will be fulfilled. If no word will do. Obeys, understands, stands up for what is right."

May kakulangan, pero gagawan ng paraan. Malayo sa perpekto, pero hindi agad sumusuko. Kayang lumaban, hindi takot manindigan, at kung subukin ng panahon, hindi mang-iiwan.

Napangisi ako bigla sa aking naisip bago dahan-dahan yun nawala sa aking mga labi, isang luha ang pumatak galing sa aking mga mata.

"Anong nga ba ang itsura ng pag-ibig para sa akin?" Tanong ko sa sarili, huminga ng malalim bago napasandal sa sandalan ng upoan. "Malayo sa mga nababasa kong tula at kwento. Hindi mayumi o marikit, hindi matikas o matangkad. Sapagkat walang mukha ang pag-ibig. Maaaring mailarawan ng puso, pero hindi ng isang titig."

Walang mukha ang pag-ibig ngunit malalim ang katumbas nito, hindi kayang mahukay o walang sapat na salita para maisalarawan ito. Hindi perpektong kurba subalit hugis puso, na kayang palawakin ang pangunawa at kayang ipadama ng tama. May kulang man ngunit mapupunuan din. Anuman ang kinalabasan pag-ibig pa rin ang nangigibabaw.