Fighting Desires

22

Ezra's POV

"Do you mind..not telling everyone about this? At least for the time being until I sort everything out" I ask.

"Of course" Harriet replied. I shoot her a small smile before leaving.

Now how the fuck am I going to fix this shit.

Where does he hang out?

He doesn't like the library because he says 'It's hard to read when you can hear people fucking in the history section'.
He's not in the cafeteria or his dorm. Well maybe he is in his dorm and he was just ignoring me. I don't blame him.

Wait.

I start walking towards the cafeteria, having an idea of where he might be.

I see Elijah and Quinn sitting down at a table laughing.

Oh great.

Every time Elijah hangs out with Quinn, he comes back to the dorm and tells me all about how her voice sounds like a singing mermaid or how she's as cute as a baby duck or some shit.

He needs to grow a pair and ask her out before I burst my own eardrums with a screwdriver.

I walk out to the outside seating area at the back of the cafeteria and walk down the path that leads to the football pitch.

I walk across the pitch to the big ass tree, where I see Julian sitting with his back against the tree, reading a book.

He hadn't noticed me yet, probably because he's way too focused on the book he's reading. Or again, maybe he's ignoring me.

"Hey," I say, causing him to slightly jump. He looks up at me and glares. I'm not gonna even pretend that didn't hurt.

"What do you want Ezra," Julian says in a cold voice, turning back to his book. Please look at me.

"Can we talk?" I ask. "No" He answers, not even sparing me a glance.

"Please, Julian.." I plead and he sighs. He slips his bookmark into his book and stands up. He stands in front of me with empty eyes.

"What," He says and I sigh. "Look Julian I'm really fucking sorry-"

I'm cut off by his scoff. "Don't even bother" He snaps as he tries to turn around but I grab his arm to stop him.

"Look I know you're angry but-"

"Im a lot more than just angry Ezra! You know how much it hurts to have you lean in to kiss me, then shoved me away and not speak to me for a fucking month!" He screamed and I look down, both embarrassed and ashamed of how I acted that night.

"I know, and I'm so fucken sorry Julian. Please, tell me how to make it up to you" I plead, as I look up. I only then noticed his watery eyes, and pain shot at my heart.

"Please don't cry..." I mumble as I wipe away a stray tear that fell from his eyes. He leaned into my touch for a split second, before he seemed to remember how much of an asshole I am and slapped my hand away.

"Stop" Julian yelled and I take a step back, giving him space. "Stop...being you! Stop making me want to forgive you Ezra" He mutters as he ran a hand through his hair.

He suddenly took a step forward and wiped away his tears.

"Do you know how much you hurt me that night? How much it hurt to have you avoid me like the fucking plague for a month?" Julian muttered and I look down.

He's right. I hurt him. All because I was scared.

Of what?
I don't fucken know.

But that isn't an excuse to hurt Julian. He didn't deserve that.

"I'm so sorry.." I whisper, not knowing what else to say.

"I thought we were getting closer. Fuck I-...." Julian cut himself off,  and I look up at him with a look of pure guilt.

"I thought you liked me back.."He whisper, his voice cracking as tears ran down his face.

I deserve to be shot. Right in the stomach. Twice.

Without thinking, I pulled him into me and wrapped my arms around him. He leaned his head against my shoulder, as he silently cried.

My god, I'm such a dickhead. Remind me to ask Clayton to deck me in the face while wearing a pair of brass knuckles.

I would ask Elijah but he punches like a two-year-old.

"I do like you, Julian.." I whisper. And Im not lying. I'd do anything for this guy.

And it makes me pissed that it took him crying for me to realise that. For me to realise the only tears I want to see in his eyes are ones of joy.

He lightly pulled away and looked at me in shock.

"What..?" He mumbled.

"I like you, Julian. I guess I have for a while but Im only realising that now" I confess. He still looks shocked, so I take this as a time to explain.

"The truth was I did want to kiss you that night. I wanted to kiss you so fucking bad. The only reason I shoved you away that night was...well I- I don't really know why I shoved you away that night. I guess it finally hit me that I was well..kissing a guy...Not that there's anything wrong with that!.. I just mean-...Look I never really felt this way about anyone before and it's confusing as hell. I'm not saying that as an excuse for what I did!- what I did was shitting and I regret it very much. And the reason why I avoided you was because I was too ashamed to face you. I don't know, to be honest, it sounded like a good idea at the time..." I rambled causing Julian to laugh a bit.

"You didn't plan this very well did you?" He chuckles while wiping his tears away with the back of his hand, and I release a breath of relief at the familiar smile on his face.

"I was too busy trying to figure out where you were" I smile and he rolls his eyes playfully.

"You're still not forgiven" Julian suddenly says and my heart drops causing him to laugh. "You're going to have to do a load of shit for me in order for me to forgive you. I'm thinking....cleaning my dorm and writing my history essay that's due tomorrow and..." Julian says playfully causing me to scoff.

"Oh fuck off Jules" I groan causing him to scowl. "I told you to stop calling me that" He mutters. I laugh at him, knowing how much he hates the nickname.

He sits back down against the tree and I sit down beside him, leaning my head back as I look up at the sky as he opens up his book.

A few seconds later, I feel him lean his head against my shoulder and I can't help the smile that grows on my face.

We sit there in comfortable silence, him reading his book and me enjoying his company after not talking to him for a month.

My fault, I know.

"I was serious about that history essay you know" He suddenly says.

"I know Jules".