Out of Place [Cobra Kai OC x Robby Keene]

37- Silence

TW: talk of trauma and the like

As I stand in front of the arena filled with spectators and competitors, I find myself flooded with a feeling of monachopsis... but I can't place why. I should feel at home here; I should feel like I belong... and yet... I don't. I feel like.. like an outsider. Not a traitor... but that same energy. I haven't thought about it in a while, but now, standing in front of all these people, I it hits me like a spin heel kick to the face that I don't know what I am to either martial art. I know what they are to me, though I could never begin to do it justice with words, but what am I to them? I don't know... I don't know...

The lights feel too bright, glaring in my eyes, making them swim with splotches. The cheers from the crowd don't boost my confidence, they just make me feel like I'm in a vast ocean and all I have to keep myself afloat is willpower and the strength of my arms and legs. It feels like someone is slowly but progressively pressing down on my chest, restricting my breathing. As if that wasn't enough, my stomach twists in and out knots, doing nothing but make me feel like I'm gonna throw up.

"Hey," somebody says from out of nowhere. I jump. Oh, it's just Mr Abelardo...

"Are you okay? You look more nervous than you did last year," he says. Maybe I am! But I'm gonna lie for now, as I apparently have an event to get to because I was somehow both way too zoned in and way too zoned out during the introductory speech.

"Yeah, yeah, just... a lot to take in. I'm alright," I shrug off, "I'm at board breaking first, right?"

He doesn't look convinced, but nods regardless.

"Mat four. Good luck, you're gonna do great,"

"Thanks,"

—-

I completely botched my board breaking. My form was all off and it just... didn't go well. I got second, and everyone was congratulating me and everything, but it stings. I know I'm not focused at all. I have a few minutes before I go into forms. I'm terrified. I can't mess up forms. Everybody expects me to excel at forms. I expect me to excel at forms, probably more than anyone. I hold my head in my hands as I sit on the sidelines, absentmindedly watching one of my teammates compete in weapons patterns.

I wonder what my Miyagi-Do teammates are up to. Mr LaRusso never really told me what training I would be missing today. I'll ask Robby when I get home. Somebody sits next to me out of nowhere. Just my instructor again... oh lord... please don't get mad at me for messing up... I don't know what's going on either...

"You can't tell me that nothing is wrong because I just saw what happened. You did great, but it wasn't you. Something is wrong. I've been watching you grow up and train since you were eight years old. What's going on?" He asks. I honestly don't know what else I expected from someone who's known me for half my life. There's no use lying. Anybody who's trained with me for 10 minutes could tell that something is wrong judging from that board break alone.

"Remember when I asked you about doing more than one martial art?" I ask, trying to keep my voice from wavering.

"Yeah, you seemed really on edge then too. You take karate right? Daniel LaRusso is your teacher?"

"Yes and yes, and I- I started taking karate in March with Mr LaRusso and one other boy named Robby. We competed in the All Valley karate tournament back in May... it wasn't until then that I really found balance and harmony within the two styles and was fully able to realize that I didn't have to just pick one, I could embody both at the same time. Ever since I've felt like I'm fairly balanced in both tae kwon do and karate... but I just... I don't know. I feel so out of place no matter which one I'm currently surrounded by. Like at karate training I feel like I don't belong because I have this whole other world of training and knowledge and I feel like everyone hates me for it, but then I come to class at the school and I feel like everybody judges me because I do karate too- even though another part of me knows they probably don't care. And here... I don't even know how to feel. I don't know what to do. I know I need to find balance, but I don't know how. I just- I don't know.." I explain. I'm glad I was able to tell someone because it's been rocking me for so long. There's only so long you can be tossed around before you can no longer stand.