Of Horses And Waterfalls

8. The Journal

Harry went home in a good mood after speaking to Pansy Parkinson.  She had told him that there was a ranch just on the outskirts of town that needed a ranch manager, and that she was going to include his file so that he could be interviewed.  She had also told him not to get his hopes up, it was the decision of the ranch owner as to who was going to be appointed, and that there were three other candidates.  None the less, Harry was happy that he at least had a chance, and had been granted an interview.

When he arrived home he told Sirius the news.  They celebrated with red wine and then went out to a lunch of large steaks smothered in mushroom sauce, chips and a salad.  Which was followed by more red wine.  

Sirius asked if Harry had gone to the bank and he answered saying no, he hadn't.  Caught up in his excitement, he had completely forgotten.  Perhaps they could go together tomorrow, and his godfather agreed.  After lunch they went home and while Sirius said he was going for a lie down, Harry said he was going to keep himself busy.

He went to his room and pulled out his journal.  He had started writing in it the minute he realized that his fingers could be used for more than just hard work.  He had taught himself to write while he had lived in his cupboard.  The handwriting was not very neat, but you could still make out the words.  Being in a small cramped place, had Harry writing upside down.  It was always strange for people to see him in this position, but when he drew his hand away, the words were on the page.  

And another thing to admire about him, was the fact that he was ambidextrous.  He could write with both hands.  Not a great feat according to him, because he had been forced to adapt to the small confines of a cupboard where, when he used the one hand only, it would cramp and hurt.  So he had not only taught himself how to write, he had taught himself to write with both hands.  And so when the one hand got tired or cramped up, he would switch.

He pulled out his journal and started to read some of the entries that he had made.

Dear Journal,

Today is my tenth birthday, but I know I won't get anything.  I am not a good boy.  I am a bad boy who should have died.  I am a waste of space.  A freak and a nobody.

Dear Journal,

Yesterday I became a teenager!  13 years old.  My friends at school came with cupcakes, and presents, but I had to hide them away.  Uncle Vernon would burn them if he knew about them.  Because I am not a good boy.  I deserve to be punished for not listening.

Journal,

I honestly don't know what to call you.  Should I give you a name.  What about Daniel.  Or maybe Thomas.  Hell I don't know.  I have a secret, but I can't tell anyone.  Can I tell you.  Can I trust you to keep it.

Hey,

Still no name for you.  Sorry about that.  My secret is that I like a boy.  Please don't tell Uncle Vernon, the beating will be very bad if he ever found out.  I like a boy, and I'm sorry.  His name is Joshua.

Hey,

Joshua hurt me.  Uncle Vernon was right.  I hate him,  I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!  It hurts so bad, why does it hurt so bad.

Almost none of the entries were happy ones.  But Harry wanted to change that.  He wanted to make new memories, and he wanted to make them the happiest he could.  There was no one holding him back now, and there never would be again, he would make sure of it.  With a smile on his handsome face, he went to a blank page and started writing.

Hey,

I have left the Dursleys!!  Finally.  Yesterday I found out that I have money.  A lot of it.  Heard the name of the bastard who killed my parents too.  That was difficult - but I suppose I have to work through it.  I saw Dudley today.  His father too.  They didn't see me.  I have a job interview - not sure when.  They said they will call.  So now we wait.  Sirius is my godfather - only met him two days ago.  I am happy about this.  But I am also sad.  So much wasted time, but all things happen for a reason, yeah?  

Bank tomorrow, then a little town called Godric's Hollow to visit my parents' graves.  Sirius said he would take me.  Is it wrong to say that I am excited at 'seeing' them again.  I don't suppose it is.  All I have are old photos.  Can't really remember what they look like.  Maybe it will give me peace of mind - although not really sure about that.  

Wish me luck!

Harry closed his journal, and put it back in it's safe hiding place.  Then he laid down on his bed with his arms behind his head, and closed his eyes, falling asleep almost immediately.

The journal was Harry's safe place.  If he ever wanted to vent or put his emotions down on paper, this is what he did.  And he wasn't ashamed of it.  He wasn't ashamed of the fact that he was gay either.  The only thing that he had been terrified of was that if the Dursleys had ever found out while he lived there.  Thank God that he didn't live there anymore.  And if they found out now, then so fucking what.

Harry woke up shortly before 6pm, and he went downstairs and shared a light supper with Sirius.  "I may have to look for my own place soon Sirius", he stated while they were enjoying a beer in the kitchen.

"Why?", asked his godfather.  "Harry, you are welcome to stay here as long as you need", he said.

"Thank you.  But if I do get the job, I won't be able to", he answered.  Sirius nodded and said that made sense.  

"All right.  But you can come and visit on your weekends off, yeah?", he asked.

Harry nodded and said of course.  He asked what their precise plans were for the following day, and Sirius told him.  They were going to stop at the bank, and let Coinage know that Harry Potter was staking his claim on his bank account.  

Then they were going to visit the graves of his parents, and perhaps have lunch in the same town. 

Then they were going to a dealership to buy Harry his very own motorbike.  You cannot keep walking to wherever you need to be, said Sirius.

Harry had laughed at these words, and said that maybe it was time to do just that.  Spend some money on himself.  Just for once.