Into deception

Breakfast

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"Hey get up there's breakfast on the table" I hear Levi shout from the kitchen. She thinks I'm asleep but that is far from the truth, in a way she has become my personal alarm clock, 7 on the dot every single morning.

I take a couple of minutes before actually walking out to try and not make it obvious that I haven't slept in like 3 weeks or something. I've lost track, actually, I've been losing track a lot these days.

"Morning" she says smiling down at me, except I know that smile all too well.

"What" I say without even needing to take another look at her. I already know she's about to tell me something that I'll hate to which she'll spend the entire morning trying to convince me to still do it because it's "important".

"No no don't start like that" she cries.

"Like what?"

She takes a seat opposite me, I on the other hand begin eating what she made "like you've already made up your mind"

"But I have"

She huffs out a long breath leaning her back against the chair, I can feel her staring at me and as much as I would love to ignore her this is just annoying "go on" I mumble.

"Yesss!" she immediately shoots forward joining me in her breakfast "so there's an event happening at around 6 in the morning all the way to 7 in the morning the next day"

"Why would they do it that late?"

"I mean it makes sense, most people will be asleep which means the guests don't need to worry about being seen"

I glance up from my plate this time "and why would the 'guests' have to worry about being seen?" I turn my head to the side.

"Because maybe, possibly they're all the most wanted people throughout the world" her eyes peek through her thick eyelashes putting on an attempted smile, I'm going to kill her.

"You do realize that even they want us dead right?"

"Yes miss genius I know that" she rolls her eyes at me shaking her head but doesn't continue explaining the part where this is supposed to convince me.

"This is the part where you explain how this is a good idea..."

"Oh right yeah, so of course we can't just walk in BUT luckily for us it's a masked ball"

"Oh for gods sake-" I slam my head down onto my arms sighing.

"Don't be like that this will be fun plus, you need a normal night"

I lift myself back up "what do you mean by that?"

"You know what I mean Mia"

"No, I don't"

"Mia-"

"Levi I don't know what you want from me I really don't. I complete my work, I have your back so why do you still have a problem?"

She doesn't say anything, she just looks down at the floor before looking back at me more stern, like she isn't holding back anymore "Mia, half of the time it feels like you're not even here, I mean you're here but .... you're not all at the same time"

"I really don't need this Lev"

"No you don't, but I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't say anything"

I nod to myself swallowing down the tears that want to so desperately pour out, she keeps watching for any hint of emotions or anything that could let her know I'm actually alive in there. Sometimes I wish just for a moment she had what Bane did, he was able to read me like an open book at any given moment but of course that's not her fault. I should just talk, tell her the things I'm drying to say out loud and yet I never do.

"I'm okay"

"Stop with that bullshit please you're driving me insane!" this time she stands up throwing her plate into the sink facing her back to me, great.

"Lev-"

"Mia if the next words are anything like 'I promise I'm fine' or 'I'm okay' then do me a favor and just shut up"

That's fair, I give her a second to calm down but I don't think she'll be talking to me anytime soon "I'll be there" I mentally shoot myself but it's the least I can do to make up for my annoyance "I need to get something done first but after that I'll meet you at the entrance okay?" I ask but she doesn't move or say anything "Lev?"

"Okay" she says still facing the large window showing off the city and sky.

I finally get up from my seat heading to my room, as the door shuts I sit on my bed watching it click. I simply stare at white painted door, it's silver door handle glistens slightly from the sunlight that's pouring into my room, it's warm and safe and all I want to do is lay in its pool of yellow forever.

Sometimes trying to help people who don't want to be helped is more painful than being the other person, it's frustrating and annoying because you feel useless, powerless. So when Levi gets annoyed with me I don't mind it, if anything I hate myself so much more.

I don't mean to be a bad friend but in the end that's exactly what I become but I really try, I try all the time and maybe it's not noticeable but swear I try. I never wanted to become someone like this, all cold and empty. They were the two things I swore I wouldn't even tempt to look at or think about but here I am, murdering people without the slightest feeling of regret or shame. It is what it is though.

There's this feeling I get, everything stops, completely. The only thing I can actually feel is the air around me begin to slow, I can feel it getting thinner and thinner but I don't quite care. It feels like after years of noise there's sudden silence, you're alone, I'm alone. It's like how I mentally feel has somehow, against all odds, come to life.

I feel like that a lot more than normal, there's no energy in me whatsoever and all I seem to be doing is letting others down.

Although most of me doesn't care who I let down, sadly though there's always a few people that I just can't disappoint. All my life I've been told thats all I do, that all I'm good at is ruining things, literally. So somewhere along the lines of my rigid life I stopped feeling, but for those who I would still die for I'm left to fall on my hands and knees in order to find any bit of love or care I can spare. It sucks because I can't even take in a deep breath without wanting to pass out from how drained I really am, still, knees bloody, nails brittle as dry twigs, I carry on digging for lost pieces of myself to give.

Once again the only way I can explain it is,

I'm tired, I'm so fucking tired.