Into deception

Ultimate problem

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**Blood above**

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His fingers fumble against the buttons of his shirt as he rips them open. I look down his bare chest as my own tightens.

"Kill me" he whispers, his hand pulls mine closer to where the scar of my doing is clear as day. "Mia you have to"

"I'm not going to kill you"

The tip of the blade pushes in deeper drawing just the tiniest amount of blood and as much as I'm trying to pull away, he's stronger.

"Nicholas stop, please stop"

"Why? Why do you want me to be alive?"

"YOU'RE NOT LISTENING" I cry and it snaps something in him. It's enough for the knife to drop, I take it throwing it far into the river as I can.

"Mia- I'm so sorry"

"It's not your fault- none of it is"

He looks entirely defeated, barely even real. He looks like a pale ghost that I'm imagining and for a moment I wonder if I am, because how have I just told him the truth?

"I shouldn't of told you, when I found out I wished they hadn't even told me, I wished more than anything they would just tell me they were wrong"

"How did I miss this?"

"You couldn't of known, I didn't even know so how could you have?"

"If I did i would've- Mia I would've-"

"There was no way to stop what was coming, trust me I've been where you are now, i still am. I wonder day and night what I could've done differently, what I could've changed for what happened not to have happened but nothing works. You just drive yourself crazy. You go insane so just don't" I sigh slouching down in front of him, it takes a moment not to loose my mind completely after realising once again that I've said it all to him, but once I calm myself I manage to look up at his broken state.

"I also know that no matter what I say won't matter, you'll still drive yourself crazy till you drop dead from stress. Even then you won't stop, you wont stop for many more years" I take his hands in my own "but I can tell you this with certainty, you just have to look at me when I do" I wait till he looks at me, I need him to read me like he always does. I need him to know I'm being honest "it was not your fault, what happened was not either of our faults"

A single tear slips down but I catch it wiping it away. Our baby was not his fault.

"I'm sorry" he says "I'm so so sorry" he says again "I'm so so sorry, god I'm so so sorry Mia please" and again and again till we both end up on the grass, holding one another because we're falling apart at the same time. The pain is the same, we both know it is so we hold one another with care.

"It hurts so much, it hurts so so much" he whispers continuously, what have I done? "Knowing that you had to keep all of this for all this time- I- I can't even begin to imagine how you did it Mia"

"Do you hate me for telling you?" I ask quietly but he sits up right away.

"I hate myself for not being there for you, I could never hate you Mia, I could never not love you. You should know that by now"

"Nicholas-"

"Why won't you let me back into that heart of yours? Is it because you don't trust me?, don't love me? or is it because of what I've done, could you never be able to forgive me?"

"It's not that simple"

"Talk to me, just talk to me"

"I wouldn't know where to start. There's so much I wanted to say to you all those years ago but that time has past, I just want to try and live past all of this"

"Even past me?" He stares at me with so much grief, so much sadness I begin to choke on it.

"No, for some reason I can't seem to shake you. Not from my life nor from my heart"

His eyes widen slightly as if what I said quite literally blew him back a little.

"Tell me what I need to do for you to come back to me, I'll do it. I'll do it all"

"It's not something you can fix"

"You're wrong, you are so so wrong my love"

"Nicholas you broke something in me that day-" i stop as i see him physically wince.

"Dont stop-i- please, tell me anything you want, I'm listening"

Even though i know he's in agony right now i cant seem to keep my loose lips shut, there's a new type of anger in me. Grief kind of anger, one were the longer i re-drown into his familiar eyes leaves me more and more free, allows me to breath in the air i need, and i keep grasping for it, keep talking, keep hurting him all in the while.

"You broke something in me that i didnt even know i had, Rayan took everything from me. My love, my identity, every inch of me had his anger written on my body. Then I met you and i knew i was fucked, and no matter how much i tried to convince myself i was wrong, no matter how many times i begged myself not to love you i ended falling just that much harder. You loved me back to life, every kiss, every touch from you sent me gasping for air, it felt like i was thrown into the sky each time. Then you broke me into nothing. You took my humanity and any ounce of hope i had left and it wasnt much but you still took it. So you cant fix this you just cant-"

"Do you want me try?"

I pause, not knowing what to say.

"I dont know"

"I cant apologize for what I've done, i cant buy my way into your life but i can spend whatever time i have left giving everything to you. Mia, you are the only important thing in my life, you are the love of my life, everything i dont deserve and yet i cant stop chasing you"

"I dont want you to waste your time chasing and trying when i dont even know if I'll ever be able to forgive you-"

"Its not a waste, not on you. I could stare at a blank wall for eternity if you asked and it would be the best spent years of my life"

"You're insane Nicholas, literally"

"For you? without a doubt Mia, without a doubt"

I sigh wiping cold tears off my burning cheeks, his fingers slither under my chin lifting my head towards him. I pause, waiting for my death to arrive shaped as his lips but just as he leans in he moves to the side, he kisses my right cheek, left, slowly, so so slowly. With every kiss i shudder and with every pause i scream. I open my eyes meeting his inches away from me, our eyes linger around each others and i know what we're both thinking, i know.

"I want to kiss you, God Mia i do"

"W-we cant"

"I know"

And yet, and yet he moves closer but i dont dare move. He stops just as our breath mix together, hot and so heavy. Every part of me misses him, and every part of him has found me, its like exploding into a billion pieces and experiencing it all inside your body.

"Nicholas-" i sigh against him and watch his shoulder rise and fall so much faster, his hands have found there way to my face holding me tight and steady.

He stops, resting his warm forehead against my own and we stay like this till we heal each other.

"Come back to me" He whispers.

I don't answer and he smiles,"I'll ask you again, later"

"The day you get an answer may never come"

"There's the afterlife too, if in this lifetime you can't forgive me i'll just wait for the one above"

"So now we're both going to heaven?"

"You, definitely"

"And you?"

"I've made peace with the fact i wont for many years now"

"So explain to me how-"

"Not even God himself could keep me from reaching you, trust me"

I chuckle pressing my head against his a little harder and he just smiles, he smiles and i smile without even trying to. Nicholas Bane, my ultimate problem.