Hidebound

Chapter FiftySeven

I had been sitting on the idea on how to suggest to Hex that he should go back to therapy for a day now. I don't know why I'm nervous, I guess I'm afraid he'll say no.

Hex is stubborn and I know it'll be a fight to get him to go.

He's working late tonight, it's only an extra hour but it feels so much longer once it gets dark outside.

Teddy meows as he jumps up onto my lap. I had been trying to distract myself by reading a book but I can't read two sentences without my mind shifting back to Hex.

It's not like my worries have gone unnoticed either. Hex has made it very clear recently in every other way besides verbally that he knows something is up and it's putting him on edge. I feel like we're walking on egg shells around each other.

The front door unlocks and breaks me from my thoughts. Hex appears a moment later, still dirty and his eyes exhausted as he kicks off his boots.

"Hi baby" he greets me as I place the book down.

"Hey" I say quietly. He sits beside me, man spreading with his arms stretched wide across the back of the couch. I can't even find it in myself to tell him to be careful of getting the couch dirty.

"How was your day?" I ask as I turn to face him, sitting criss-cross.

"Shit" he complains, throwing his head back to rest on the couch. "Clyde's working me hard."

I run my hand through his hair as he closes his eyes. If he was a cat, he'd be purring.

"Mhm, I thought so" Teddy leaves my lap and walks over to Hex's lap as he pats him.

"How was yours?" He asks me, turning his head to face me but not lifting it from the couch.

"Same old" I shrug.

We sit in silence for a moment, Hex's eyes fluttering each time I run my fingers through his hair.

"I've got to talk to you about something" I whisper, not wanting to break the silence but having to. His eyes open and he looks at me like he knows what's coming.

"I've got to talk to you about something too" he replies. That's not what I had expected him to say and suddenly I know how he feels. What does he want to talk about? "You first" he says, his eyes on me but he doesn't move to sit up.

I turn further into him to make up for it.

"I talked to Charlie the other day" he nods "over the phone" I clarify and he nods again but there's no surprise in his eyes.

"I know, I heard you" he says.

"O-oh" I hadn't known that. He nods for me to continue. "He said something when he left the other day and I couldn't get it out of my head and the more I think about it, the more it sounds like a good idea" his eyes dance along my face, taking in every word.

"What is it?" He asks, almost hesitantly.

"He thinks you should go back to therapy" I confess. He holds my gaze for a moment longer before sighing and rubbing harshly at his eyes as he looks away. "Just think ab-"

"I don't need therapy, Poppy" he stands from the couch and walks into the kitchen, I follow. He doesn't sound angry, more like he can't be bothered with the conversation. "I don't need it anymore, parole's done."

"I know" I gulp. This is exactly how I thought the conversation would go. "But, I just think it would help with everything going on" I try and convince him but he's not seeing it.

"No, baby" I slump at the words.

"I really think it would be good for you" I lean against the island and watch as he gets himself a glass of water.

"Did Charlie say I'm likely to re-offend?" He turns to me and asks while taking a sip.

"We'll, n-n-"

"So I don't need it" he ends the conversation by turning his back and washing the glass before putting it back on the shelf.

Maybe I am just being ridiculous. Maybe he doesn't need therapy and this is a normal grieving process for a child that looses their mother. I don't know, how am I supposed to know? I've never been close to someone in this position. Or maybe it's just the process for Hex, after all, everyone grieves differently.

"So you don't need it" I repeat and lean my elbows on the island. Hex is a grown man, he can make his own decisions, even if I think it would help.

The conversation had got Hex slightly worked up as he keeps his back to me with his hands on his hips. I watch his reflection in the window.

"I'm sorry, I just thought it would be a good idea" I resist the urge to go over there and wrap my arms around his waist.

He sighs and turns to face me again, leaning against the sink.

"I know, and I appreciate you looking out for me. I'll let you know if I need to see someone, deal?" The weight of the worry lifts from my shoulders. He's right, he doesn't need someone to tell him he needs help, he'll be able to get it himself when he feels he needs it.

"Deal."

I wait for him to bring up what he wanted to tell me but he just continues standing silently.

"What did you have to talk about?" I question hesitantly. My mind goes to anything we could possibly need to talk about but I don't recall.

He brings his attention back to me as if he's deciding if we should have the conversation.

"We'll talk about it another time" he says quietly before looking to his right.

My eyebrows pull together. Why doesn't he want to talk about it? He seemed almost eager when he brought it up.

"No, let's talk about it" I say encouragingly. I don't see why we can't talk now.

Hex licks his bottom lip and bites it as he contemplates telling me. He ultimately decides to do so.

"I want to start a family, Poppy" I suck in a breath and look away.

I should have just let it go. I shouldn't have pushed him into telling me, he knew that right now isn't a good time to have such a serious conversation.

"Right" I clear my throat.

I knew one day we would get to this point and I had hoped that by then I'd know if children are a go or not but I'm still undecided.

"I'm getting older baby, and we've ticked off everything else" he takes a step forward and leans on the other side of the island, opposite me. I don't move but I do turn to look at him.

I see it in his face, he wants this.

It scares me.

Where has this come from? He hasn't brought this up before, we haven't had this conversation before.

"Hex, I-" I shake my head.

"I know, Poppy" he rubs his forehead. "But we're not your parents and we're not Platonic's" he makes a jab at my previous relationship with West. "We would make good parents."

"Hex, it's not the right time" I say quietly. And it's not the right time, there's so much going on right now with the main focus being Wyonna, we don't have time for a child right now.

He walks to the other side of the kitchen, shaking his head.

"Fuck all that, focus on us" he turns to look at me, his eyes turning desperate and I see his true feelings.

He wants a child but, it's more so knowing that he's going to lose Wyonna that's pushing the notion. He wants something else to hold on to.

"Okay Hex" I say, his eyes lighting up. "But... not right now" I follow up with, hoping that by the time we're in a good position that I will have made my mind up. I don't know what I'll do if I haven't. Will Hex be okay if I decide to not have children? The thought makes my stomach turn.

His face sinks a little but the a small smile grows and makes up for it.

He walks over to me and presses his lips to my forehead.

"Love you, baby" he whispers between our skin.

"Love you, Hex". My heart races.