The bodyguard

Part 54

Today isn't my day. The baby is now 1 years old and a few months. Two years ago today was the day My gran passed away. Everyone knows this day is hard. Two years of being queen. Its mad to think. I was now out in my car. I asked Robert to look after the baby and for Paul to come with me but i said to Paul that Robert was coming. I shouldn't have done it but i did. I needed time on my own. I had my mother and lost her. Then my dad grew apart from me and there my gran was to fill in the Gap but now that gap is still open. Yeah my father is closer to me than before but it still feels like the gap is still open.

Robert has been there for me every step of the way and so has Paul but its not the same when the two most important women in your life goes and you can never get them back.

Sitting in the car watching the ducks on the lake as i was in the private royal gardens. Normally one of the guards comes in to feed them but today i told them all that i wanted to. Even though my mother and gran is buried in king Georges chapel their grave is outside it. Which is in the royal gardens. (Let's pretend).

I got out of my car and grabbed the bread from my boot. I slowly walked along until i got to the lake and all the ducks came swimming up to me. If these were big swans or geese i would hate it and probably run away but as its only little ducks i don't mind as such.

I broke up the bread and fed it to them while the tears escaped my eyes. Today i just couldn't stop them. Last year i had all the family at the palace so the only time i truly cried was when they all left. I hate crying in front of people.

I finished feeding the ducks so I decided to take a walk towards their graves. I shouldn't as i know its going to break me even more but i just feel like i need to. Maybe a chat to them will be nice. Just rant about life and not get judged or talked over.

I walk towards their grave and i sit in front of it. There was loads of flowers there and it made me smile.

"Hi both. I know you cant speak back to me but if you dont mind i want to speak to you. Gosh this makes me sound stupid" i say.

I wipe away my tears and i start talking again.

"Two years since you passed gran and gosh nearly twelve years since you passed mum. These days its hard. Having my little angel ari was incredible and Robert i cant thank him enough but you know when you just miss the two most important women in your life. Its me right now. There isn't a day that goes by where i dont think about you...."

I talk to them for hours. Around three hours to be exact. I cried, laughed, cried again and talked. I opened my heart out to these two and it hurts knowing that i wont see them again for a long time.

My heart gave in and i burst out crying. This time i sobbed and I couldn't catch my breath. Gosh i sound broken.

"Hey its okay we are here for you" i hear kates voice.

I look up and all the family was there, so was Robert and ari and paul and his family. I cried even harder just knowing that they were there. Kate wrapped her arms around me and i cried in her chest. The kids came over and all hugged into me and i tried to calm my breathing.

"How long was you all there for?" I ask.

"Long enough to see that you are broken" paul says.

"I need fixing again" i say looking at Robert.

He kneels down and holds my hand.

"Remember me and you always do this puzzle together. If you drop it or break it by accident i will always help you fix it" he says.

I start tearing up again and most of us just cry. The kids the women and even the men. Gran and mum was always the puzzle pieces to this family and now that they are gone there will always be two gaps and nothing will ever fit to fill it.

~

Sitting on the sofa drinking tea and eating biscuits
Was one way to cure sadness in London. Ari was sitting eating pizza with the kids and she seemed happy. I know she is only 1 and a bit but she has came on so well. She is crawling and nearly walking. Saying a few words her first word was dad then mum then buddy. She says words like hiya or luf you not love you and other short words but nothing else.

"Auntie ella" charlotte says.

"Yeah sweetie?" I reply.

"Are you going to have anymore kids?" She asks.

Robert smirks at me and i smile.

"Im sure i will someday" i say.

"I want it to be a boy" louis says.

"All depends what seat we pick up from Tesco" Robert says making me laugh.

"Can we play hide and seek?" George asks.

"Yeah all you kids go hide me and paul will count" i say winking at paul.

"The things i do i swear" paul complains.

"Dont be a bore" i say.

We count and we play a couple of rounds. The kids were loving it but they did leave after that leaving only me Robert and ari left.

I lay down on the sofa reading my book called twisted lies and Robert joins me with ari on his lap.

"Nice book?" He ask sitting down

"Yeah enjoying it so far" i say not taking my eyes away from it.

"How about family film night. We will watch frozen 2 as we watched frozen 1 the other day?" Robert suggested.

"Sounds fun. I will get snacks" i say.

I stand up and make my way to the kitchen. I grab three cupcakes, a bowl of crisps chocolates some melon and drinks. I make my way back and Robert had ari cuddled into his chest and a blanket over them both.

I look at them in awe but wishing that was me laying on his chest. We do cuddle but its not like it was before. I lay my head on the arm of the sofa and Robert looks over with a sad look.

"Whats up?" I ask.

He points to his lap that is now free as ari was cuddled into his side.

"Lay on me. I know today has been hard for you" he says.

I shimmy over to him and i lay my head on his lap. He plays with my hair as we watch frozen. Ari didn't sit long until she was up and playing with her toys. She stopped playing and waddled over to me with her walker. She layed her head on my legs and kissed them making me melt.

"Luff you mu" she says in her cute little voice.

My heart melted and I started to cry again. I lift her onto my lap and i kiss the top of her head.

"I love you to my baby girl" i say.