Dark past, Bright Future.

[8] - The Truth

I fully panic now. My head is spinning. My leg shaking. Luckily the alarm goes off signifying my time is up.

I quickly hop off the chair. I hear everyone clap for me as they did for everyone before. I keep my head down, not wanting them to see the tears welling in my eyes.

Jen picks out the next name and I silently slip out the room. I walk round the corner into the corridor and slide down the wall. I rest my head in my hands and let the tears spill out silently.

I know that who ever asked about my first kiss meant no harm. It shouldn't upset me so much but after my mum caught me and kicked me out. I've struggled with my sexuality. I knew she wouldn't except me but it still hurt that she would kick me out over it.

I soon hear footsteps approaching and I quickly try to wipe my tears away.

"Hey kid are you alright." Jen asks me with sympathetic eyes.

I look up at her and the tears just roll down my face. I can't help it.

"Hey, hey it's alright." She begins to reassure me. "How about we go and get some fresh air and then we can go and have a chat?"

I nod and get up. Jen pulls me in for a quick hug before we walk outside. The fresh air hits me and I just breathe it in deep breaths. Soon my breathing calms and I stop crying.

"Okay I'm good now sorry." I turn to Jen and say.

"You don't have to be sorry." Jen tells me. "How about we go somewhere a bit quieter, yeah?" She asks me.

I nod reluctantly. Jen leads me back inside towards one of the smaller meeting rooms. I question wether I should tell Jen what's really been going on. I'm not sure what to do.

We get into the room and sit down on two chairs angled together.

I take a couple deep breathes, Jen can see I'm shaking so she places her hand on mine to stop me.

"Look Blair, I don't know what's going on with you and I can't make you tell me but I know from experience sometimes it helps." She says.

"I'm not sure I should." I tell her truthfully.

"Blair...since I met you I could tell there is something more going on behind the scenes I can tell you're going through stuff. You appear like a very confident and competent footballer and you are but I can tell you're struggling." She tells me.

I take a final deep breath and decide I might as well tell her she knows something is up and maybe it will help.

"I don't even know where to start." I say my next thought.

"How about you start with what upset you." She suggests giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.

I nod before saying. "Well when some one asked about my first kiss it brought up some painful memories for me."

She nods waiting for me to continue.

"When I was 16 I had my first kiss, my mum caught me and when she realised I was gay she ..." I hesitate. "She didn't approve."

Tears start to brim my eyes and Jen pulls me in for a hug.

"That's not all." I whisper into her shoulder.

We pull apart and I continue.

"My mum was ... well she ehm..." I start to shake slightly as I struggle to say it.

"Take your time." Jen says as she placed her hand on my bouncing knee.

"She hit me." I choke out.

"What after she realised you were gay?" Jen asks shocked.

"Well yes." I nod. "But not just then." I add.

"Did she hit you often." Jen says in a soft voice.

"Yes." I take another deep breath. "Since I was about six."

Shock and sadness plasters over Jens face.

"She kicked me out after she caught me." I say before Jen can even react.

"Ohh Blair, what about your dad?"

I just shake my head the tears flowing freely now.

"He's dead." I say. "He died when I was 14, he had a drink problem."

I'm fully sobbing now. I've never told anyone all this before. I feel overwhelmed. I don't know how to feel.

Jen pulls me in for a long hug she doesn't say anything till my crying calms.

"I'm so sorry Blair, you should never have gone through all that. I'm always going to be here for you I just want to help. Is there anything else you think maybe I should know or it would help if I knew?"

I think for a minute. Maybe I should just go ahead and tell Jen about my disorders. I mean she knows the rest what's the harm.

"Well when I was like 15 nearly 16 I had been really struggling with my dads death and the abuse from my mum so I spoke to our school counsellor. I told her about my dad and my mental health but I didn't dare tell her about my mum. Anyway things started to get better for a while she diagnosed me with dissociative disorder and borderline personality disorder."

"What's that like for you?" She asks giving my hand a squeeze.

"It basically causes me to have like really high highs and really low lows. Sometimes it feels like I'm rising up out of my body and the further I get the less I feel and can control what's happening like my body is still in autopilot but I'm no longer there." I explain to her.

"That must be really scary." She says.

"I guess it can be, I generally just feel like really numb when I have those episodes." I tell her.

"Alright." She says. "How about you go up to bed and I'll go and bring your tea up, you can just have an early night." Jen suggests.

I shake my head slowly.

"No?" She asks confused.

"I need to go to the gym." I say matter of factly.

"The gym? Why?"

"It helps me focus my mind when I feel like I'm falling into a dark place." I say.

"And do you?" She asks. "Feel like you're falling."

"I'm not sure, but all these emotions I need to just stick to my routines and the gym always helps." I tell her.

"Okay, if that's what you think is best I'll save some tea for you and you can come here and eat it afterwards." She suggests.

"Yeah that should work." I say

"Come here." Jen holds her arms out for me. She give me a comforting hug before I head off to get changed for the gym.