Dark past, Bright Future.

[35] - My Story *part 2*

"You're not broken you know?" Leah says as she strokes my face.

"I am Le. I am a little bit broken and I always will be slightly but I'm mending slowly one step at a time." The tears spill silently down her face now and despite my best efforts of trying to keep it together I can't help but cry with her.

Leah gets up from her side of the table and sits on my lap as she hugs me. Luckily the restaurant is fairly quiet although we definitely are getting some weird looks right now.

"I don't care how broken you are I will always be here for you B." Leah whispers in my ear.

Once we have both calmed down and the crying has stopped Leah takes her seat again.

"We can stop now if you want." She says.

"No we are almost done, it feels right to tell you. Honestly it's a big weight off my shoulders."

"I'm glad you trust me."

"Always." I reply.

"What's it like for you? The dissociative and borderline personality disorder?" She asks after a while.

"Simply put they cause me to feel extremely low lows and extremely high highs as well as sometimes I feel like I'm almost outside of body watching my life play out in front of me. For me I start to feel like I'm floating in a sense. I lift up out of my body and I keep rising and rising like a balloon but I can still see myself on the ground but the further away I get the less control I have. Until eventually I'm frozen and I'm completely closed off from everyone and everything." I explain the best I can.

Leah seems to digest this information, her hand never leaving mine before continuing.

"Then your mum found out you were gay?" Leah asks.

"Yeah,I had just been offered a 2 year deal at Glasgow City. It was hardly any money and only part time so I could continue school but it felt like hope for the first time that I could make it. I could change my life despite everything but then yes my mum found out. I don't really remember when I realised I was gay but from a young age my mum instilled in me it was a sin and I believed it for a long time. I think even though I was having certain thoughts and feelings I buried them. I didn't dare even let myself understand them. As I got older I was still torn with who I was. I fought with my feelings. When I was 16 I had a friend round at my house my mum was at work.I had a crush on my friend. She was already out as well so I think with all my confusion at the time I admired that she was so confident in her skin. We kissed, and as we broke apart I just felt her presence. I looked up and there she was in my doorway with a look that was so terrifying I shook with fear. She told my friend to leave before she beat me worse than she ever had before. Looking back on it I think I had a couple broken ribs. This time she didn't care to watch where she hit me. She told me she was going out and when she got back in a couple hours I was to be gone."

"Jesus Blair it's just so sickening to think someone could do that." Leah says.

"I still remember that feeling. The pain I felt both physically and emotionally. I actually spent most of the time she has given me to leave  just lying curled up on the floor in pain. Before eventually scraping together some stuff and that was it. The last time I saw my mum."

"You never told me before. Where did you go?"

"Well I was homeless. That was probably the second darkest time in my life. My mental health declined again. I slept outside that first night and the few nights following. Then I crashed at a couple school friends houses for like a few nights at a time. I found a homeless shelter. I lied and told them I was 18 so they let me stay there. After I left school I mainly bounced around a couple shelters. I would spend some nights on the streets if the shelters were all full."

"Wait how long were you homeless for?"

"Well I suppose until I moved here." I admit. "I never told anyone at City I was homeless. Then I got the call up for the U23 Euros and I met Jen and know I'm here. I had no money like I used all the money I was getting from city at the time on food, clothes, transport. I ultimately decided to come to Arsenal because they offered me the most money and I had Jen who could help me."

"I know you're not ready and maybe you never will be and that's totally fine. But I think someday your story could inspire so many young people. You're incredible everything you've overcome it's unbelievable Blair."

"Thanks Le, sometimes it's hard to see that but it means a lot from you."

We finish up our food before Leah drives me home.

"Your going to be okay right?" Leah asks.

"Yes I will see you tonight I promise." I say.

"How are you feeling now you've spoken about it all."

"Mixed emotions I'd say but I'm mainly just relieved. I feel lighter. It's freeing in a sense, I've never been able to talk about everything like that to anyone. Just laying it all out like that, it feels like my past isn't controlling me as much anymore."

We arrive back at mine and I say bye to Leah for now giving her a delicate kiss before getting out the car. She waits until I've closed the door before driving of home to get ready for Beth and Viv's.