Dark past, Bright Future.

[10] - Steady Progress

I spend the next week getting my head into a better place. I'm still not at my best mentally but I'm proud of how far I've come in a week. I've got myself a good routine going. Every morning I go for a gym session on my own to start my day off well. Then I speak with Jen for at least half an hour each night to help clear my mind.

Jen has been such a good friend, more like a big sister really and I don't know how I will ever repay her.

Tomorrow is our last training day before our first group match against Ireland the following day.

"Have you seen this yet?" Grace questions me as she shows me her phone during tea.

It's a video that was posted on the teams Twitter.

"Ohh no that's so embarrassing, I can't believe they posted it." I say with my hands in my head.

The video was taken during training and it features a couple girls play keepy ups and in the background I trip over air and totally deck it.

"It's the way you get up so casually hoping no one noticed." Laura laughs along.

"No one did, until the media guy started showing everyone." I retort jokingly angry.

"Blair has a new enemy." Jade jokes.

It's nice to be able to laugh like this I know I wouldn't have been able to even a couple of days ago.

We finish up our tea and I say bye to the girls as they head to the team room in the hotel and I go to meet Jen in hotel reception where we usually talk.

I walk into the reception and see Jen sitting in one of the overly large seats placed around a table. I go over and give her a quick hug before taking the seat across from her.

"Hows it going Blair?" Jen asks.

"It's been a good day all round actually. I felt myself escaping my thoughts at times and managing to joke and have fun with the girls." I say although not sounding entirely confident.

"That's really good kid."

"Yeah I guess." I say

"Hey is there something bothering you?" Jen asks cautiously.

"Its nothing really." I hesitate I know I'm making progress and somehow admitting I'm not a hundred percent makes it all too real like I could lose all my progress in a blink of the eye.

"It's just I've not been sleeping well, I honestly dread going to bed cuz I'm so alone with my thoughts." I continue truthfully.

"Ohh Blair, that's shit but you could have told me sooner." Jen says.

"I know but I was, I am doing better and I just didn't want to admit it and like I thought it made me seem weak."

"Your not weak Blair, far from it. What exactly is keeping you up?" She asks me gently.

"I guess it's like the only time I don't have something else to focus on and my thoughts just spiral and I can't seem to clear my head so I just end up laying awake for hours until I eventually fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion." I tell her.

"You don't have to answer." Jen starts unsure. "But what are some of the thoughts?"

"It's everything really from old memories of my mum hitting me and my dad being violently drunk to just fears of the future like where am I going to go after this. I'm still technically homeless." I tell Jen.

"I know it must be hard reliving all of that." Jen says as she gives my hand a squeeze. "In terms of the future, you can't worry about that now we will sort it out when it comes but for now you just need to focus on scoring goals." She says the last bit teasingly.

I nod in agreement. "I just want to get a good night sleep so it doesn't risk how I play, but I don't know how." I say.

Jen thinks for a while.

"Maybe you could try listen to some calm music I don't know if it will work but it might give you something to focus on as you try to sleep." She suggests.

"Thanks Jen, I'll try it." I hope this works.

We talk for a while longer about lighter topics before I decide to go join the girls in the team room.

I join in on a table tennis tournament and surprisingly to everyone else but unsurprisingly to me I win. The girls laugh that I'm better then them yet I'm the youngest.

"Blair is running rings round us." Abbie laughs.

Abbie is 23 and one of the oldest on the squad.

"Your just to old to keep up." Jade adds jokingly.

We continue to laugh and joke for a while longer before we head back to our respective rooms.

Jade and I enter and I claim the bathroom first. I get changed into my pyjamas which just consists of a pair of fabric shorts and a sports bra before I brush my teeth and wash my face. I then head out the bathroom and jade soon heads in.

I get into my bed and set my alarm for tomorrow. I quickly check my phone for any messages but I don't have any friends or family who would want to check in.

Jade emerges from the bathroom and pulls me out of my thoughts. We chat for a while about random things from football to our favourite foods before deciding we should get some sleep - easier said then done.

I put in my earplugs and turn on a nice relaxed playlist. I lay there listening to the lyrics and it seems to work as I drift off not too long after.