Dark past, Bright Future.

[9] - Falling apart

I went into the gym and got started with a weights session. There was no real method to the madness of the session I just went from one random exercise to the next lifting more and more pushing myself to the max. Once I felt like I had nothing left in the tank I took myself over to the treadmill and quickly changed it to a sprint setting. I ran for as long as my legs would let me. As I started to feel my legs turn to jelly and my lungs burn in my chest I jumped off the treadmill and just lay on the cold floor trying to steady my breathing.

I don't know how long I had been laying there before Jen came in.

"You alright kid?" She asked.

I nodded before sitting up quickly. Too quickly. The room started to spin so I lay myself back down.

"On second thought no. No I'm not okay." I chuckled slightly.

Jen shook her head slightly before coming over and offering me a hand up. I took it and she pulled me up.

"Alright let's go and get you some food then." She said.

We started to walk and I felt my legs give way slightly. Jen just sighed slightly before wrapping an arm around me and helping me walk.

We went into the meeting room where Jen had left food for me. I quickly ate it, needing the energy.

        ***

Over the next few days I'd started to drift away from my body despite Jens best efforts to keep me grounded. There was only so much one person could do as I'd asked her not to tell the other staff what I'd told her and she'd agreed just telling them I was struggling with some personal issues but she was helping me the best she could. I truly appreciated her. It had got to the point though were the only times I truly felt alive was when I was on the pitch.

My teammates and friends had begun to noticed my sudden shift in personality. Some had asked what was going on but I simply told them 'I just wasn't feeling very well' and never elaborated any more than that.

We are currently in a team meeting just about info I think about our travel details for flying out to Belgium. I could see Lisa's mouth moving and I knew she was speaking but nothing was registering anymore. I was like a zombie.

        ***

The trip to Belgium was honestly a blur. We have just got to our hotel room. We have about 45 minutes before tea to unpack and get settled. Instead of unpacking I just lay staring at the roof my head completely empty.

"Blair... Blair...BLAIR." Jade calls me from the bathroom but I don't even register it, it feels like even if I wanted to I can't reply.

Jade come through from the bathroom and shakes me saying my name a couple more times.

"Blair, I'm seriously worried about you, you gotta snap out of it. You hardly said a word the whole flight." She says worry visible in her voice.

"I don't know what to do Blair what should I do?" She asks me pleadingly but knowing I won't reply.

She leaves the room a couple minutes later and I'm left to slip further away from myself.

   ***

I hear the door click open. I assume it is jade coming back from wherever she went. I continue to lay staring at nothing.

"Hey kid, we need to talk." It's not jade but rather Jen.

"I know you are struggling right now, but we will get through this together. I promise things will get better."

Jens words melt me slightly. Maybe I'm not as alone as I thought.

"Look at me kid." She says.

I slowly turn my head to the side. Jen Is crouched at the side of the bed. Looking at me with a sympathetic look.

"I know it's hard and you have been through so much and it can feel like the world is against you sometimes. But you are at the U23 Euros this is such a big opportunity for you, you gotta fight that head of yours and make the most of it." She tells me.

I muster up the energy to speak for the first time.

"I don't know if I can." I say numbly.

"You can Blair, I know you can. I've seen you on the pitch you are like a beacon of light. The whole atmosphere changes when you are on the ball." She says.

I give her an unsure glance.

"Don't let whats past dictate your future."

With that I break down into Jens arms she is right. My parents took so much from me I can't let them take my future as well.

I cry into Jen for what feels like eternity before we break away as my breathing steadies.

I don't feel numb anymore. I feel gut wrenchingly sad but I have a new found fire in me. I don't know what's gonna happen after the Euros, I can't control it but I can control what I do here. If I'm going to do that I need to be fully present on and off the pitch.

I talk with Jen for a while longer about things before the door clicks open once again. I see it's Jade and she looks worried. I immediately get up and pull her into a hug.

"I'm sorry I put you through all that, it wasn't fair on you." I whisper in her ear.

She shakes her head against my shoulder. "No, Blair it's fine I just want to help you."

"Thanks." I say as we pull apart.

I briefly reassure Jade that I'm feeling better now. It's not entirely true but I am going to try damn hard to push through and keep myself grounded.

Jen then gently interrupts us. "Guys we really should go down for tea we are like 30 minutes late."

Jen assures us she will explain to the staff that we were dealing with a personal issue and that is why we were late.