Dark past, Bright Future.

[34] - My Story *part 1*

Leah drives us to a little restaurant she likes. We sit in comfortable silence during the journey just enjoying being with each other.

I decided to ask Leah for lunch because I'm planning on asking her to be my girlfriend soon. I want to tell her more about my past before I do that so she really knows what she is getting herself into. I've told Leah more about my past already then anyone else except Jen but I've not really explained any details and the affects that has had on my life.

We get seated at our table and of course the conversation between me and Leah flows easily. That perfectly describes what it's like to be with Leah, it's just easy.

"So any special reason you asked me to lunch?" Leah asks me with a smile.

"Well obviously I just wanted to spend some more time with you where we don't have to act like buddies." Leah laughs as I describe us as buddies.

"Aw you're my best buddy Blair." Leah says sweetly.

"I also thought maybe I should tell you a bit more about my family." I add.

"Okay but only if you feel ready." Leah says the conversation suddenly turning more serious.

"I am. I've actually started to feel a bit guilty about not telling any of the girls about my life but I just don't know how to go about it." I explain to her.

Leah holds my hand on the table and I instantly feel my worries slip away from me as she plays with my fingers.

"I don't think their really is a right way to go about it Blair. I think maybe you could just start of by telling people you trust one by one."

"Yeah you're probably right." I say. "I think it would be best if you ask me questions because sometimes I struggle to know where to start."

"Okay, I can do that." Leah says. "You said your dad died when you were 14?" She asks.

"Yeah, that's right."

"So did you get along when he was still around?"

"Hmm well we had a complicated relationship. When I was really little sure I loved my dad. He drunk pretty much from my earliest memories but his problems with it spun out of control as I grew up. My dad hit my mum, I don't know for how long before I became aware of it. I don't know if he hit her before the drink or if it was the drink that made him. I'm really not sure. I only remember a couple of times that my dad ever hit me, he bullied my mum. As I grew older he would go awol for longer and longer so I would see him less. My dad was definitely hostile to me for a period of time but that decreased towards the end as he was less coherent by that point. So overall no we didn't 'get along' but I loved him it's weird how you still love someone even if you know they aren't good for you."

Leah looks at me with a sad expression but not pity. She doesn't pity me which makes it far easier to talk to her about it.

"I obviously don't fully get it. I never will, but I understand that you still loved him it was all you knew. Was it hard when he passed?"

"Yes." I sigh taking a deep breath. "It was hard for multiple reasons. For one I did grieve him. Although their was lots of bad memories there was also a few good ones and when you lose someone you suddenly remember all of them. I remember my dad came to watch me play once. He was drunk, so I was panicked he would cause a scene but thankfully he didn't. That was the one and only time I had one of my parents at a match. For a minute I was like any other kid on that pitch with their dad on sideline. But it was also hard because even though their relationship was extremely toxic my mum loved him. So much. I will never know what they were like before I came along, before the drink. It makes me think maybe they were good for one another at one point. Anyway my mum took her pain out on me even more than before. That was a really dark period of my life."

"What happened?" Leah asked.

"Well I became numb to it all. To life. My mental health was at an all time low. I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. It felt like I was going to be frozen there for the rest of my life. It felt like even if I escaped my mum I would never escape myself."

"But it got better, you got better?" Leah had tears in her eyes one trickled down her cheek and I rubbed it away with my thumb.

"Yes I did momentarily I found solace in football it became my home, my safe place, my escape. I got good. It also gave me more confidence in myself and I decided to speak up. I told my school counsellor about my mental health and my dad. I was careful about what I told her, so I never told her about the ongoing abuse from my mum."

"Why though? Could she not have helped?"

"Maybe I'm not sure now, but at the time I definitely didn't see anyway she could help me. I would have been put in care, she would have got the social work involved. I knew I couldn't do it. I knew I was too broken to cope with a group home or a foster home. I knew then that football was the only thing keeping me going and I was too scared to lose it. Being the best, training on and off the pitch became my coping mechanism. It still is."

"Did the counsellor help at all?"

"Well She was a registered psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder as well as dissociative disorder. So in a way she helped me to understand what was going on in my head more but I don't really think anyone can fix me."