─ limitless ; jjk

─ author's note

Hi, everyone.

I wanted to start this off by apologizing for being so inactive, and for not updating for a month (God, I can hardly believe it myself) and I'm also sorry that this isn't an update.

The truth is that I'm not doing good.
My mental health has taken a turn for the worst.

I'm not one to speak about my feelings very often - but this time, it's gotten to the point where I'm having to take drastic measures to at least feel like my normal self.

My anxiety has been through the roof - to where I'll just break down and I'm nearly to the point to a panic attack. And I've recently gotten into a relationship and I'm trying to figure out and understand how I'm feeling.

I don't know how to feel and if I'm being completely honest; I'm so lost.
The thing about me is that I've dealt with anxiety most of my life, I've been homeschooled, and I've isolated myself in that time.
During my early teenage years, I didn't have any friends, and the only thing I had that made me happy was reading books - and writing my own.

It wasn't until these past couple of months that I realized how bad my addiction to reading, writing, and isolating myself away from my family, new friends, and reality actually was.
And it's bad.

Now that I'm trying to get out and be social for the first time in my life, I'm not going to lie and say I'm not terrified.

Because I am.

I've never been so scared in my life.

And I'm scattered.

During this past week, I've experienced depression like never before.

I have been depressed for short periods of time before, but not like this.

This is crippling and it scares me.

I feel like I've let my parents down, my newfound friends, i've let all of you down, and I have let myself down.

I don't have the want to, or energy to do anything anymore it seems.

At this point I believe I'm just a huge disappointment and an epic failure to everyone around me.

It's one of the worst things I've ever felt; and I hope you never have to feel this way.

Another thing about me is that I hate change, and I really mean that. It scares me, makes me uncomfortable, and desperate for things to go back to the way they used to.

Things have been changing so much, and I can't seem to process it well.

But I've realized that I'll never truly grow into who I'm really supposed to be without change.

And to do that, I need to take a break from reading and writing and focus on reality.

And it breaks my heart to have to do this.

I know it sounds childish, but reading books and writing are honestly all that I've ever known, and all I've ever really had.
It makes me happy.
It's my coping method.

I'd rather be home reading and writing - holed up in my bedroom, than spend time with the important people in my life.

And I know that I need to step away and focus on reality.

I'm so sorry for springing this on all of you, but I have to put my writing on hold for the time being, at least until I'm in a better place.

I'll still be checking my messages on here and on social media, but I won't be reading and writing for a while - so feel free to reach out and talk if you ever need to.

I didn't write all of this to get pity - I just want you all to understand the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing.
And I really hope you understand.

I'm going to come back (because my books are everything to me) and start writing again, and I look forward to that day with everything in me.

But I'll be back as soon as I can, and thank you all for reading this long af note.

I've changed up my profile so it looks prettier while I'm gone. Designing it, I was about to forget my worries for a while. And I hope you all like it.

Please send good vibes and prayers my way if you think of it.

I love all of you and I hope you can forgive me

~ Jade ♡