Moonbeam Bender | blog memoir 2 | complete and on Amazon

November 12, 2023 A.M.

When I got word that my soon to be ex-boyfriend was going to be somewhere that wish I could be but can't for some stupid reasons, I became very upset! I started to feel physical pain, yet again! Like I did with bingo! But only I kept it from blowing up out of hand! You can guess I am finished trying to people pleasing and I am done with relationships! For some odd f*cked up reason weather it be online or not it just doesn't work out! I am afraid this d*ckan*s will cheat on me, if he hasn't already! Let's just say I rather brake up than get hurt again! As you can tell that I had a nightmare, and a horrific one at that, where I was attacked at airport security.   I only get those nightmares one I am in serious emotional pain, so the fact that I had this dream (night mare) spoke volumes! This relationship is bring up long buried pain, a pain I'd rather forget, but I don't have the luxury of forgetting half the pain that I went through emotionally as well as physically when I was younger! That being said, I was traumatized, too many times. I don't think I can be in this relationship! It will just add to more Trauma!  And I know it for fact that my high school boyfriend had his mother threaten me with Guantanamo Bay, and since then I have been having broken relationships, and this one one is beyound repair!

" My advice is that you may be sabotaging your relationship on accident because it's too scary to be with someone."

" You deserve to be happy and feel loved. It seems like he loves you. That can be scary, but it's okay to love someone and be loved back. You're deserving of love."

If I was deserving of love I would not be in such pain in the first place! If I was happy I would not be in this kind of pain where it translates into physical pain! Love shouldn't hurt! I wish I could deserve happiness but I don't for the simple fact is that it's out of reach for me.   I am much more happy alone! I guess I haven't changed since I was 3 years old in some cases when it comes to my trauma.  It is too fresh for me still!  I have been hurt too much! Both by love and hate to give a sh*t! I would rather just end it so he can going chasing women instead of dealing with me!   I can deal with this anymore! I have been waking up in the middle of the night for tooo long even if I don't have coffee! It is starting to affect my mood and how I treat others! Nevermore........

I wish I could deal with the past

And move on with this wretched life

Quoth the ghost: nevermore

As I walk up from near maddness

Every night

At the witching hour

Quoth the ghost

Nevermore

Alas I wish I could

Fall asleep

But am I am into

Much pain

Quoth the ghost

Nevermore

Nevermore!

This is a poem I have written called nevermore, which is basically what is never more of this shit. And basically tell that I am in a lot of pain with this relationship, and I want to end the pain here and now! That being said the searing pain of love will continue forever it seems!   Some people might think I am afraid or whatever! But I am afraid of more pain, like a beaten dog!  Also like a beaten dog I suffer in silence from these nightmares and emotional pain then I go through! This torture! Emotional pain is a hell of a lot worse because of the physical, the physical pain that I can deal with! I can literally feel my brain fragment again! Which is not good to have your brain fragment in to small pieces!  I am nothing more then like Oren Ishii or some person in the shadows suffering in silence! Well I might end the silence for the first time! Do I have DID? Not but it's just as bad!

I cannot handle this I can't handle broken promises anymore! It's getting to the point where it's going to be where it's either break up or suffer, and I'd rather not suffer anymore! This being said! I might just talk to someone say that I'm too broken for this relationship, and then I am too broken to deal with the broken relationship that I have had in the past, and that this is just another trauma to my life! That being stated, I'd rather not deal with the actual relationship anymore because one his is always around weighing dot strike! And the other is because I'm afraid that he might just cheat on me. That being said, I've been afraid of a lot of things for a long time, and it's starting to affect certain things about me. I'd rather not have an affected! As I go into the winter, I'd rather just have friends to begin with! And only friends, Who I know will stay my friends maybe my penpals or something will be a lot better than this complete shit show! This is literally an open head wound that is more painful than anything I've ever failed. And I don't want to ever feel this again. I feel like can have a relationship in the first place, First, because of my post traumatic stress shoulder second because of the circumstances of whatever the event is, I just rather not deal with this kind of thing  anymore!

I don't know why I wanted to be in a relationship. It was just gonna end like this anyways. Just like it did if it was online. I'd rather just forget about this aspect of my life and just go on with my own life and go on and enjoy my life the way I should be single! This hurts too much for me to deal with and I'd rather not deal with this anymore!

Love is  Guantanamo bay

All you get out of it

Is  horrible searing pain

And you are left to be

Alone in your cell

Praying for this to stop

Love is like Guantanamo Bay

Where you

Are deprived of your self

By phantom interrogations

There names

Worry

Sadness

Low left esteem

And the past

Love is like Guantanamo Bay

Once your out

It still haunts you

No matter how free you are

This is another poem where I am caged up and suffering and dying in my own mind! This is where life can turn horrible for me! I don't feel like can be my self with scaring him off! Which is worse than Abu grahib, that God awful prison and I like where people have been tortured severely. This is basically what I have to go through whenever I hear the word no I cannot see my boyfriend and then I end up wanting to break up with him and it's just sheer pain. I'd rather just and the prison sentence and just quit and go about my life I know they will haunt me as if I've been in Abu grahib or Guantanamo! The pain will haunt more for ever and a day!  Feeling trapped and tortured isn't love in the slightest, love is supposed to make you sleep soundly at night, to make you feel good! But it does not for me, not in the slightest! Instead it is like prison or rendition where I am in the dark most of the time!  I hate the feeling!

Honestly, I think it's time that I get rid of the depression and the oppression of what it is to be in a relationship. I cannot trust anyone. And I can't trust anyone with my heart. It's too delicate. That being said, I wish I could just quit the goddamn relationship and just go on with my goddamn life. I'm afraid that he's just gonna Cheat on me which she's going to be even more painful and more hurtful for me than anything else. And that will equate to physical pain! That being stated, I'd rather just be single and just try to move on. At least I tried to find "love" but I failed in the process yet again. I've never been so down in my life but this is what it is the idea of love is painful and scary and it's not a good kind of scary it says if you're watching the news 24 seven and it's not healthy for you some of the relationships that I've been in we're not healthy at all, and this is one of them to tell you the truth, I can't even handle let alone having a boyfriend. Without it going south!

Too think that this would actually work, f*ck no! Now I realize the pain that I am in and I don't thing my cleaning job can heal this one nor my meds!it's time to do some more soul searching!