Moonbeam Bender | blog memoir 2 | complete and on Amazon

November 17, 2023 P.M.

So I was bring a friend home, when I noticed that I wanted to get a morning glory tattoo as in the flower. But it couldn't be just any old floral tattoo as I despise girly tattoo so I ended up coming up with a concept with Trevor Henderson's Sirenhead! Instead of the sirens are decided to put different coloured or different darkness levelled morning glories on my tattoo as well as the saying that was inspired to say "life is a beautiful struggle!" For the PTSD aspect of my life! Also Sirenhead was from what I remember from YouTube was a war time cryptid that was created by people like me, those who war related PTSD!I was not a soldier but I was borning in a warzone and I do believe that Sirenhead is real! Call me f*cking nuts but like my soldier predecessors who came up with the monster to cope with the symptoms I have also with PTSD have brought another dimension of Sirenhead mythos! Also the morning glories like Sirenhead were an obsession of mine when I was I kid! That being said the morning talks about love and overcoming trauma or obstacles! Something that I do more naturally that going to nature's call! As I was thinking of the tattoo or that it up I ironically I am going through a year of emotional and psychological detoxification and was a a journey of self love and healing! That being said you know my latest relationship tanked and I want to heal before getting involved again! I have to love my self for who I am before I can some other asshole (person)! This was a wake up call when that relationship tanked because of PTSD but I will not let that happen again or at least cope better! But before hand I have overcome a lot bullsh*t! That being said I also have to go with the idea that the playing with emotional crap isn't good when it should be flushed down! To people who have helped indirectly who became my heroes, Trevor Henderson the horror artist and Romeo Dallaire!  

It was Romeo Dallaire's book shake hands with the devil that got me thinking where does my rotten temper come from because not all aspie's have sh*t fits nor constant night terrors! This had to be PTSD, or as I like to give it this pet name Pissoff! I also watched the movie about the book and found that I was able to relate to the traumatized peace keeper then some super happy like reinman! I never saw anything Aspergers related in movies nor books so how the f*ck should  I know how they really act! Instead I was an angry little kid who had to overcome bull and is still overcoming the bullsh*t!   Though now I have a better hang of things since I was oh 11 years old or so! At least i am much happier now because I shovel so much "snow" to get where I am today! I am not my religion person or whatever organized religion person, but they do say it is long. If God gives you a lot of tests as well as obstacles that means he loves you and I have seen plenty of those in my child test as well as obstacles! That being said, is kind of an annoying way to show love but it is a way of so I guess if you are a mysterious force created the Big Bang! But still, I have some more healing to go through and I'm very honoured that I am able to have this blog to help me help with the healing as well as trying to get through life as long as I have my job to do -my cleaning job!

That cleaning job that I have is the best thing that ever happened to my brain. Usually my brain is in grateful but sometimes it does what it does and get the job done right. But I enjoy my job nonetheless! That job has taught me about mindfulness as well as how to appreciate a good dollar and do appreciate a job welder on whether it be a drawing or an actual job that you do to get paid. This job has taught me that hard work is more important than the want to be and things that you pull out of your ear! This Also, my tattoo about the siren head and the morning glories instead of the sirens. That being said, I believe that I had a lot of obstacles and I still do but if I follow a ritual like I should've done  with my job Then, maybe things will be a lot easier in my life if I have more rituals in place like I do with my job than I have to do that tattoo, money and piercing money. That being said is very interesting how a job can teach you a lot about life as well as tattoos can teach you a lot about the value of a dollar! As I said, I'm not money oriented but I am more job oriented. I like to be able to get something done. I'm actually feel so I'm kind of back. I can say well I did a good damn job! And that's the same thing with my mental health as well as I want to be able to feel the ache my back and say well, I've done what I've done that was right in the first place!

As you can tell, I started my journey by saying that I'm not dating for a year maybe a year and a half. I'm just gonna focus on myself loving myself, and accepting myself as I said, until I can find a way to love someone else at the same time. Because I have had a hard time with relationships whether they be good or terrible. They were just Coming at the wrong place at the wrong time! And they are always leaving me in conflict with myself thinking what do I do about this? I was trying to avoid this in the first place to heal now I just wanna tell the next person who comes along. I'm just gonna focus on me for now until I can figure out who the hell I am kind of thing! And there'll be many times where I'm gonna tell people I'm gonna say no I'm not in relationship. No I'm not interested in anything at the moment except for my hobbies!

That being said, I'm just gonna work on my joint, YouTube Channel that I have with my friend I wish to give you her name, but as I said, it would be of invasion of privacy. I find that blogging and blogging also helps as well as wrapping. I have decided to start doing some rap music again to help deal with some lingering emotions that I may feel for the next year and a half, that being said, I do like rap music whenever I am stressed out to the max. But I also enjoy listening to vinyl records and stuff like that but this case I have to produce something in order to say yes I did something I made something out of something instead of making myself feel sorry for myself! It's a juggalette thing! So that seed! I find that that even if the lyrics are violent in the insane clown posies lyrics is for a reason because they're trying to motivate you to be a better person. I would not try to use violent lyrics, but I would try to say well. He was an example of someone who didn't do what they should've done when they were sad which was to be creative instead! That being said, I feel sad from time to time about certain things, but I just pulled out my Apple pen or whatever and entertain the And then be done with it I don't play with sh*t as it should be flushed!

I took the pledge for my self as well as my friend to no date for certain year and a half  also I willl be tell my other friends that too! That I ain't dating for a long. Time until I feel everything is good!  During this time there will be this blog as well as my tattoos, piercings, job, and friends that I can deal with! F*ck romance right now! That doesn't mean I don't write love stories! It just means my life isn't one at the moment!