Moonbeam Bender | blog memoir 2 | complete and on Amazon

November 18, 2023 Early A.M

A night mare is just a dream that is intense! Well, if that is the Case they have been very intense and need from me because I have been dealing with a lot of nightmares for a quite sometime for the past month or so. Sad my nightmares. Well they are even more intense in the average nightmare. I remember correctly this nightmare I had was yet again, TSA and airport security, and I was not exactly thrilled or tickled wake up and know that I was scared sh*tless. I had a literaly get angry just to wake up in the morning. I knew it was gonna be a sunny morning, but I just didn't think it was worth getting out for because of the nightmare I had. I don't exactly enjoy having the nightmare. But the nightmare keeps coming up as the same damn theme over and over again which I'm getting sick and tired of like a haunting dream that keeps haunting I've never had this since I was in the eighth grade. That being said, is this another repeat of bull crap that's going to happen again or I'm just gonna have a lot of stress and bullsh*t! I am not exactly tickled about having these nightmares. I don't mind waking up from them from time to time because I know I'm safer in reality that I am in the nightmares. That being said, I'm not exactly tickled about having the nightmares. The stress level has been too high for me lately and it's been driving me completely bonkers! I can understand when people go insane with stress. And that the stress gets through to them in someway or another. But there is no way am I going to start drinking or doing drugs or smoking because I am pissed off with the world or pissed off with the world at the moment. That being said, I just don't wanna be dealing with the nightmares as the one thing that is causing a lot of problems for me!

I am still doing this eat pray love thing where I'm learning how to heal myself with these nightmares are getting in the way of everything and they're kind of aggravating. I think they're part of the eat pray love thing, even though I don't enjoy this particular part, my brain does have to heal from a lot of issues. From different past relationships that I have had, I have to do this, so the next time I find someone Or my friend find someone who is actually decent enough and worth fighting for that I don't have to end up losing out on that relationship too like I did with My most recent relationship, which was a very crying shame. I keep thinking that the guy will find someone else quickly. And I think he did that being said, I'm very angry towards him in someways, but I think that must be just the healing part I don't know, but I am just very angry with this man for not understanding jacksh*t! So I'm still angry, so that being said, I think that's what's causing the nightmares. Is the fact that he was angry. He was not understanding of my need to heal. And the need to move on with my life or I was going to end up with another PTSD. Either way I didn't wanna deal with, a relationship after the second most recent relationship causing me a lot of problems for my birthday and stuff. That being said I wasn't gonna have this bullsh*t again! I know what I'm gonna do the next time I have a relationship is that I am going to be very honest with a person and try not to worry too much about anything whether it be in person or online I think being in person is too much for my liking right now and too intense for my liking! So I might be ending up with an online relationship where I don't have to worry too much about the intensity of being in person. For a while. This will be after a year or so! I remember telling my friends yesterday that I'm gonna be healing for quite some time before I end up in another relationship is not gonna be in with one and out with the other kind of thing it's gonna be the end with the out and then I will have to cope with it, and then go with a new one later on!  I must tell you that this kind of thing is not very easy for anyone to have these kind of break ups. Where the other person is more angry to you for breaking up it makes it messier than it already has as if you already have to clean up a goddamn mess in the first place, And then your ex ends up, having to make it even more messier, and you have to get the solar guard out and everything else, and start cleaning out more and more sh*t! That being said, I I'd rather just clean what it should be on the checklist when I do my cleaning I don't wanna clean extra, sh*t, That being said, I don't play with crap. I just flushed it down the toilet. Or try to anyways, but for some odd reason, my ex keeps clogging the toilet! Sorry for mentioning humor, but in this case, that is the case in this is that my ex keeps constipating my life, and keeps trying to ruin things. Just like the other act, I had. Who threatened to kill himself on my birthday!

If I remember, from last winter's nightmarish Relationship. I had I know that I also had nightmares after that for quite some time. And it was not exactly easy for me to deal with this kind of crap! Specially, on my birthday when you are supposed to be happy and trying to be positive positive of the year this coming up next in your life, your personal New Year's. But instead I ended up having to deal with a lot of drama. That being said, I'd rather just not deal with something like this again and now I have to deal with it on Christmas which is going to cause a lot of problems, minimal problems I hope but not big problems like I had when I was going through the relationship in the first place with the guy that I was trying to date in the first place I didn't see very much of him so I didn't really care too much about breaking up. That being said, I didn't you don't see someone very much. Where is the love in it anyways! There is no way that I can do in real life relationship for quite some time until I actually get to know the person online as if the screen them and to know what they're like. In the first place what their triggers are and stuff like that and then I can actually decide to meet them and face-to-face but I don't think that would happen anytime soon!

That being said, I'm just gonna be focussing mostly on friends, but as I said, the nightmares that I have constantly bring me back to the Massey relationship that I've dealt with that I didn't want to deal with in the first place, Bryan The other would be. I just rather not deal with this kind of bullsh*t! I just wanna be able to enjoy the holiday season coming up. You all Christmas whatever you call it. I actually wanna enjoy both days: Yule And Christmas that being said, I don't remember the The complete bull sh*t I had to go through in the first place! They are being sad. I am just rather enjoy the Christmas in the winter and try to save up for a new tattoo. That being said, I am very interested in seeing where my design will end up I know exactly where it's gonna end up. Actually it's going to end up on my right inner forearm. Which is gonna be very interesting indeed on a more lighter note. Also, it is a nice sunny day out so I think I might go for a drive, I don't drive but someone else drives me around and then I enjoy the sunshine and enjoy everything else at the sun has to offer. I'm gonna show you a nice picture of The sun in the winter time! Is rare in the winter time to have more sunny days that's why I have seasonal effective disorder. That being stated I do not enjoy having seasonal effective disorder. This may also reason why I have the The nightmares coming up in the first place, but I'm pretty certain it was caused by the actual nightmare relationships that I've had! I'm not accusing of anyone of anything, it's just I'd rather not deal with something when I should be healing myself. That's why I'm so happy it's gonna be a nice sunny day and I can actually well. I hope I can go out for the morning and be able to enjoy the sun and be able to enjoy, everything else for that matter for the morning and then just hunker down and sit down for the whole afternoon and enjoy My friends!

I was told on Facebook and I don't usually like to talk about Facebook but I hear about thisGypsy gal! Who talks about self loving is very important person. In the self-love community. I'm not talking about auto romance or autosexuality! I am talking about caring for yourself as well as caring for your well-being. She is very good and has made me wonder if I should do something similar with the same message. So I came with diamond Sherpa, which means I'm like a Sherpa that helps you through life! That being said, I'm just using my wisdom that I have been more or less given the hard way and teaching other people the easy way that is better to shine bright like a diamond instead of hurting inside and feeling sorry for yourself and stuff like that that you have to take care of yourself and yourself only! Also, today I'm gonna be doing another video for my joint YouTube account. Tonight which I'm excited about. I don't know what we're gonna talk about but let's see what the hell at my knee. That being said, I'm actually very interested in logging a lot. I also have a YouTube channel. Not just the one that's a joint YouTube channel but also the diamond Sherpa channel as well where I talk about self-love and trying to help yourself ! That being said, I do have to make a video for that soon!

So you're wondering how I came up with these messages for my diamon Sherpa thing is just very Easy because I have had a lot of problems in my life and I know which ones need to be addressed for other people as well in order to make them happy and make them successful in life. And that is to detox your life from the actual toxic and horrible people in your life!