Luke Hemmings - Roommates

Never Trust A Hug

I woke up and walked into the living room still rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I had to fly back over to the states tonight ready for the boys to finish the last of their tour. I wasn't exactly thrilled about it but I knew it would be good for me to get away from all the memories that are here with me at home. I threw myself down onto the couch and turned the tv on deciding to watch The Godfather.

Michael came down about half an hour later and took a seat on the couch next to me looking intently at the screen. "What film is this?"

"The Godfather." I mumbled not really wanting to engage in conversation with him at the moment.

"Favourite quote from it?"

"A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns." I answered with ease never letting my eyes leave the television screen.

"How are you coping with everything?"

"I'm dealing with it." I mumbled. "You might not think it but I'm doing just fine right now." He nodded at me but I could tell from the look in his eyes that he didn't believe me and if I was in his shoes I wouldn't believe me either. God knows I'm lying through my teeth.

"Are you all packed for the flight tonight." Everyone else was. I could see their suitcases in the passageway this morning when I walked down the stairs.

"Not yet." I sighed. I really didn't want to have to pack. I just didn't feel like doing anything right now. "I'll do it later."

"I can help if you want." He offered.

"No thanks Mikey." I smiled weakly. I didn't want him to know about the gun I was packing. I had already gotten myself a special license for it that I just had to hand over at baggage check-in and they would put a special tag on my case saying that I possessed legal firearms. None of the boys could know about the gun. Not until they find it in my cold dead hand anyways. What's stopping me from doing it right now? Why should I wait until we get back to America? "I think I'm going to go and make a start on my packing now." I excused myself before running up the stairs and slamming my door shut behind me.

I had just reached into the black backpack from yesterday to pull out the gun when there was a knock on my door. I groaned inwardly, kicking the bag under my bed before going and opening my bedroom door to see Ashton stood there leaning against the door frame in only a pair of sweats that were hanging dangerously low on his hips. "Morning?" I forced a smile onto my face and he looked at me warily.

"What has you in such a good mood this morning?" He asked and I shrugged my shoulders. "I came to see if I could talk to you for a bit, I'm bored and the boys aren't really morning people."

"You're not really a morning person." Something was going on here. First Michael followed me downstairs and now Ashton is wanting a conversation at half seven in the morning. "Come in then." I sighed moving out of the way so that he could go and sit on my bed watching me close the door behind myself. "You can tell me the truth you know."

"What are you on about?" He feigned stupidity and I rolled my eyes.

"Michael was awake at seven in the morning and actually out of bed. Now you want to have a conversation at half seven. I have lived with you guys for almost a year, I know when something isn't right."

"Fine, you caught us." He groaned. "We just want to keep an eye on you Kenzie we're worried about you."

"Why? I'm perfectly fine."

"We've lived with you for nearly a year, we can tell when something isn't right." He used my own words against me. "You say your fine but your eyes give you away."

"That's what Josh always says when I'm drunk. My eyes give me away." I chuckled lightly.

"They give away more than you think." I began to pack my suitcase as some form of distraction, the black backpack being the first thing I put in before piling everything else in. I didn't care that it was a mess. Just as long as everything fits inside. "Kenzie." He sighed grabbing my wrist and I stopped what I was doing to look at him.

"Can I have a hug." I asked quietly.

"Never trust a hug. It's just a way to hide your face." He wrapped his arms around me pulling me in tightly to his chest as the tears filled my eyes and I struggled to blink them back. "Talk to me Kenzie."

"I'm fine." I lied to him quietly and he gently shook his head. "Why does nobody ever believe me?"

"Because we know that you never speak what you're thinking." I was glad we were having the conversation like this because it meant he couldn't see as the tears started silently rolling down my cheeks. "How are you coping with all of this?"

"I miss Blake but I'm managing. I guess it just feels like he's on deployment but god help me when the reality that he isn't coming back sinks in." It was true. Blake was still supposed to be over in Iraq so my brain was telling me that was where he was. When that is over and he is meant to come home on leave I'm going to have nowhere left to run. I'm finally going to have to face the truth and it's going to tear me apart. That's why I'm not planning on being alive by then.

The tears were falling faster and faster now as I cried silently, hoping that Ashton didn't manage to figure it out. His embrace felt warm and safe and all I wanted to do was melt into it an leave this sick, twisted world which is my reality.

"We can get you a counsellor." He offered and I laughed lightly. It was too late for that now after everything that had happened to me right from the beginning of boarding school up until now.

"It wont do any good now Ash and we both know it. I'm beyond help." He sighed, knowing I was right and there was no point in arguing over it with me.

"How can we help then Kenzie. Just tell us and we'll do it."

"There's nothing that can be done now. This is something I have to deal with alone no matter how difficult it gets."

"I know." He whispered in my ear. "It just sucks knowing that you need us and there's fuck all we can do to help." I still couldn't stop the tears that were rolling down my face and staining my pale cheeks. "How are you feeling back there."

"Never trust a hug." I sniffled. That was my way of letting him know I was basically a wreck right now. It was my way of telling him the world had fucked me over once again. It was my way of telling him I wasn't alright because it was the closest I would ever get to admitting it out loud. "It's just a way to hide your face."