Luke Hemmings - Roommates

New Beginning

My eyes slowly crept open as I woke up. I instantly hugged my knees into my chest and put my head down trying to pull myself away from the world all together. "Kenzie." I could hear Luke's soft voice calling my name. This must still be a dream, an effect of the drugs in my system because he's in Australia. Or at least he should be. "Michael I think she's waking up." When I realised it wasn't a dream I tried to move myself even further away. Seeing as my plan wasn't working I chose instead to sit up and crawl up to the top of my bed curling up and dropping my chin to rest on my knees. When Michael tried to move closer to me I moved further away and he stopped still. The hurt in his eyes was unmistakeable but he didn't understand what was going on inside my head right now. "What are you doing here?" My voice was raw and raspy and burnt worse than hell.

"I told you I'd be on the first flight over. The others are downstairs asleep on the couch."

"You should be at home with your family before you leave. I've got Stephen and Lindsey, I'll be fine." It really hurt me to push them away when I needed them most but there was no way I was losing them as well. I'd rather push them away.

"Kenzie you are our family, not just mine but all of ours."

"No I'm not, my family is dead now and I refuse to lose you all to. Just leave please." My voice cracked as I pushed myself off the bed walking on unsteady legs and into the bathroom. The door was still broken from where Stephen had burst through, the razor blade still in the sink and the sleeping pills still on the floor. I cleaned them away and put them back into the cabinet before getting into the shower. The cold of the water both relaxed me and woke me up so when I stepped out my brain was fully active and working at a hundred miles per hour. I pulled on my shiny red boxing shorts, a sports bra and a jacket which I left unzipped before getting to work. If my body is active, then my brain is pre-occupied, which is exactly what I want.

I went through the medicine cabinet throwing out any medicine that was no good before tidying the kitchen. It took three hours to go through the house from top to bottom cleaning every single room and throwing out anything I no longer needed but I left all of my parents stuff exactly where it was. It was too difficult to go through their stuff yet. I then went for a run and ran about eight miles before getting sick of all the sympathetic looks and stupid photographers so I headed home and went down to the basement where I wouldn't be bothered. I wrapped my hands and took all of my frustration out onto the punching bag before my body could barely hold itself up anymore. I pushed my body past the point of exhaustion and then past breaking point but I didn't stop. My legs started to tremble and my arms felt like lead weights and I was just about to hit the floor when somebody caught me and I was staring up into familiar blue eyes. I instantly pulled away and backed myself into a random corner of the room. "Why are you pushing us away, we only want to help? Take a break and come sit with us and talk. It's okay to grieve." He reassured. I really wanted to, trust me there was nothing more I wanted than to cry but after years of hiding your emotions it's not exactly something that comes easily.

"That is the last thing I need right now. I need to keep going, I can't stop." I then chose to do high knee sprints up and down the stairs. How I managed I could never tell you but I did.

"Kenzie the funerals tomorrow do you really think this is what you need right now, to be pushing everyone away?"

"It's exactly what I need."

I don't remember stopping or getting changed or even going to bed last night but when I awoke that was what had happened. To be honest I probably passed out from exhaustion which would explain why I couldn't remember. My outfit was already hanging from the curtain pole and a sense of loneliness and sadness filled my system.

Today is my final goodbye.

The service seemed to go by so quick I thought I had missed half of it before it was time for me to present my eulogy. I took to the stand looking out across everyone in front of me unfolding the small, dreaded piece of paper in my hand. "Not many people knew my parents behind what they heard in newspapers or online. Not many people cared about them apart from the money they made. Me on the other hand, I was lucky enough to get a chance to see under earth all of that, they were good, hardworking and kind people who held love for almost everybody they met. For me it was an honour to say I had met them." My voice was still very raspy and I was on the verge of tears but held them back. "Although I know they will be greatly missed by their friends and family I know heaven only takes the best and that is why they took my parents. They'll be up there right now looking down on us and thinking to themselves why are they all crying? We shouldn't cry about the fact they're gone but should celebrate the life they lived. Every body's time must come and everything must happen for a reason. My parents are up there now seeing my brother once again so we should be happy for them and not crying. I don't know if any of you in here have ever seen the fault in our stars but at the end Hazel Lancaster says funerals are for the living and I couldn't agree more. That is why today is a day when it's okay to cry and grieve and mourn but then tomorrow we all pick ourselves back up and make sure we do them proud. I know that's what I'm doing and I can only ask you to do the same. They deserve that from us after all of the great and wonderful things they have done." That was possibly the shortest eulogy ever but I didn't want to share my memories with everyone. My memories were something that I wanted to treasure, not share them with every Tom, Dick and Harry. I walked back away and down to my seat as we sung the final hymn.