Endlessly (Harry Styles)

Chapter 61

  *Hazel Murray*

I took a sip of my coffee, wincing at the bitter taste. I would have normally taken a cup of hot cocoa, but with the very few hours of sleep I had, it was kind of necessary. But it didn't stop me from dumping five tablespoon of sugar in it to cover the bitter taste a bit. I leaned over the counter, sighing deeply. I ran my fingers through my hair and rubbed my tired eyes.

I couldn't get back to sleep last night, after the nightmare. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see the funeral urn and Harry's sad eyes leaving me. I was shaken up to the bone, and I had the terrible feeling of a weight in the stomach, as if something extremely bad was about to happen. Niall was fast asleep all night next to me, his heat and presence being the only that helped me go through the night.

I shook my head, my wild curls bouncing around my head as I tried to shake the thoughts of last night out of my mind. I decided to make breakfast for us. Gemma and Anne had stayed over at my demand, just like Niall did. The other boys' flats weren't far either, so they could always join us later. It has been such a long time since I last cooked breakfast. The last time I think it was when I made some pancakes for the boys on the last show of the Tour.

I started taking out the ingredients when I realized that the flour was on the top shelter, way out of my 5" reach. I cautiously climbed on the counter to grab it and was about to get down after I did, but I clumsily slipped.

I braced myself for the impact, but two hands caught me way before. I opened my eyes and met Harry's scared ones.

"Haze, Angel, are you okay? You could have just woke me up instead of going up there! You could have seriously injured yourself!" Harry said, putting me down.
I bit my lip. "Or the baby." I pointed out, annoyed.

It was as if he didn't acknowledge its existence and it was frustrating. I was even more irritated when Harry just bit his lower lip and nodded.

"Yeah, and the baby too."

His voice was careful and his British accent was pronounced, indicating that he was sort of forcing his words, which somewhat put me on my toes. Why does he talk as if everything he says will set me off, as if he was walking on egg shelves when he is around me? That's probably
cause he is...

"What are you making?"
"Pancakes."
"Can I help?"
"If you want to."

He nodded his head and started working with me. It was sort of a routine with us when we were on Tour and we would make the crepes. Except that there was a lot more laughter and kissing involved. And a lot more happiness. My heart ached for a moment at that thought. Why couldn't we just go back to the way we were on Tour? Why couldn't we just be Harry and Hazel, the cutest couple with the cheesy comments and the endless love, but this time with that tiny little thing growing in my stomach?

"So." Harry cleared his throat, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Why were you crying last night?"

I stayed silent for a moment, and he took it as if I was ignoring him.

"It's fine if you don't want to tell, it's just... yeah."

My Harry from before would have pushed to know what was wrong. My Harry would have kissed my nose and my cheeks and my lips to make me smile. My Harry wouldn't act like this stranger.

"No, I just..." I sighed. "I was thinking of words to say it without it being weird."
"Nothing you say sounds weird, Haze." Harry said with a small but genuine smile, to which I reciprocated.
"I had a nightmare. A really bad one."
"You want to talk about it?"
I shook my head. "Not really, it was just... really bad. All my worst fears and wishes mixed up in the same scary nightmare."

Harry hummed, but said nothing else. It felt as if, even if he was physically closer to me than he has been in the past few weeks, he was far, far, away. There was another silence after that, awkward and kind of tensed, until I started cooking the dough.

"Listen, Haze, I am so sorry with the way I reacted, I just..." A sigh left his lips as he exhaled an exhausted grunt. "I didn't think we were ready to have a baby. And I honestly still don't. I would have preferred to propose to you, and marry you, and really settle down with both of our careers before thinking of children. It was wrong of me to leave, and it was wrong of me to ask you to abort it, but I'm sorry. And you should try and see where I'm coming from." Harry softly said.

I wasn't meeting his eyes, concentrated as I was on the crepes.

"Haze, please look at me, Angel." I still refused to meet his eyes, and he had to pull my chin towards him for me to finally tear my eyes away from the food. "I love you, and I want to work this out."
"I love you too, Harry." I whispered softly, a tear rolling down my cheek. "I love you so much that it hurts and... when you leave you just rip a part of my heart, every single time. It was already so hard to find out that I was pregnant, and to face the scary future I could already see, and it was even worse to face it alone with the heartbreak you gave me."

Harry opened his mouth but I shook my head to tell him to let me talk. He closed it and wiped gently the tear with his thumb.

"I understand that you're scared, and believe me when I say that I would have rather be married with you before having this baby, but Harry, we love each other, and so many people don't even get that chance to find their one and only, but we did, and at a young age, and we're so, so lucky."
"I agree, Haze, but a baby this early?" Harry whispered.
"We don't have a choice." I firmly stated. "I am not giving that baby away, and I don't want to abort it."
"Don't you think we should at least talk about it? It's my baby too!"
"Then how can you even ask me to kill it?!" I whisper-shouted, not wanting to wake the whole house up.
"Because it's not the right moment for us, Hazel! We fight continuously, we're both on Tour, we practically never see each other, there's always a new drama slapping us in the face! I want to built a family with you, but not when our jobs are so demanding, not when we're always on the edge like this. I don't want my child to grow up in a broken home!"
"We can't always choose the terms and conditions, Harry!" I snapped. "Something, you just have to take what you get, and go with it."
"I don't want this child to be a reason to mend our couple."
"So you do admit something is broken?"

Harry stayed silent, biting his lips. His eyes were tired, he had bags under them, his hair was a mess, he looked so exhausted. I probably didn't look that great either.

"Listen, can we not talk about the baby for now? I'm still kind of digesting the information and I'm still doubting this. Can we just focus on us, on our couple? I don't want to lose you, and I don't want this to just keep getting harder and harder. I love you, and I want to make this work."
I sighed. "Harry, we can't just dismiss our problems all the time."
"But we can take them one at a time."
I finally nodded. "Okay then, we'll do that. Just..." I sighed. "Promise me one thing."
"Whatever you want."
"Don't leave me. Ever." I murmured, the echoes of his voice telling me he was leaving haunting my mind.
Harry pulled me in a hug, kissing the top of my head. "I promise, Angel. I'm not leaving you."

I sighed, inhaling the scent of his cologne for the first time in weeks. It felt good to be back in his arms, but something was missing and we both knew it. Maybe we'll find it along the way of mending our relationship. I was very willing to work on us, but at the same time I couldn't help but be disappointed that he didn't want this baby as much as me.

One at a time, Hazel, one at a time.