Sarcastic comebacks

Heeellllllooooo

----------1
Person: what's the time?
Person 2: it's time for you to get a watch
Person: it's time for you to get a new joke asswipe.
----------2
Parents: you need to stop watching TV, and read more!
Me: *turns on subtitles*
----------3
I hate smart ass teachers.
Me: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: I don't know, can you?
Me: BITCH, I WILL SHIT ON YOUR DESK.
----------4
Girlfriend: Hey, let's go to the zoo
Boy: But babe, I'm not ready to meet your family yet
----------5
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
----------6
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Me: I lost it fighting some kid who said you weren't the best teacher in school.
----------7
Fag: your fat like an elephant
Guy: cool that means I can join your mom at the zoo
----------8
Me: I hate walking to school.
Dad: Well, when Abraham Lincon was your age, he walked 12 miles to get to school!
Me: And when Abraham Lincon was your age, he was president.
-----------9
Teacher: where is your homework?
Kid: at home.
Teacher: why is it at home?
Kid: it's called HOME work for a reason.
Teacher: are you being smart with me!
Kid: this IS school isn't it? Aren't you supposed to be smart.
Teacher:...
----------10
Jerk: Go f*ck yourself!
Me: *Looks apoplectic* Sorry but I don't have time. I've got a busy schedule, I'm meeting your mom at 12 and your sister in *checks watch* five minutes! Sorry, gotta go buy some extra condoms before I meet her, don't want to have another accident like your mom did with your dad! *Walks off*
Jerk:...
----------11
Son: mom why do I have to make my bed if I'm just gonna sleep in it anyways?
Mom: why do you eat if your just gonna die anyways
Son: I'm off to make my bed!
----------12
me: *tells joke*
ex: *laughs*
me: was that joke funny?
ex: no
me: than why did u laugh?
ex: because I saw ur face
me: b*tch, i'm not a mirror
ex: ...
----------13
Me: You're ugly.
Asshole: Are you sure you're not looking in the mirror?
Class: OOOHHH!!!
Me: Well I can't, because you cracked them all!
Class: OOOOHHHH!!!!
----------14
**Cop pulls you over**
Cop: Sir do you know how fast you were going?
You: Well, Do you know how fast you were going to catch up to me?
Cop: ...have a great day.
----------15
Woman: let's watch a movie, we never do
Man: no get back in the kitchen
Woman: u know women live longer than men
Man: how's that
Woman: the kitchen is we're the knives are at
Man: what movie did u want to see
Woman: exactly
----------16
Cool guy: excuse me is this the loser section?
dude: No its called FUCK OFF and its located over there.
----------17
Slut: Hey loser!
Me: Do you want a fight?!
Slut: You're not hard.
Me: No, not over you!
Class: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
----------17
KID: Let's go bungee jumping mum.
MUM: No, you came in to this world because rubber broke, don't leave in the same way.
-----18
Random jerk: Move out of the way you dick!
Nerd: Fine, I'll move out of the way just to stop you from trying to touch it.
Random jerk: Is that the only comeback you've got?
Nerd: No, I'm gonna get it back off your mums chin tonight.
-----19
Dick face: I'm so f*cking tired of you!
me: then go to sleep dumbass
-------20
Before you get "turnt up" you should probably get that job application "turnt in" before your car is repossessed and your electricity is "turnt off".
-------21
Guy draws penis on his friends maths book in maths class
Friend: Why did you draw a penis on my book?
Guy: Because I'm giving you something that you don't have.
-------22
Bf: i made a lot of mistakes in my life and it seems like its not working out we really need to break up.
Gf: Yea and my mistake was dating you
-------23
Kid#1- Make me
You- I don't make trash I burn it
---------24
Bully:U suck
Me:u swallow
Bully:u spit
Me:u choke. Just like ur mom did last night
------25
Teacher: Okay Derp, Come up to the board and solve this problem to find x
Me: -Circles x- FOUND IT