FAITH (Martin Garrix)✔️

22

Sitting in the taxi with Martin on one side and Alex on the other is hard. It's not only pretty hard to move but there is like a huge cloud of sadness covering us. I know that I'll see Martin again, I just don't know when.

I will miss him which is scary because I am not used to missing people. I don't like the feeling of missing people, it makes me over think and wonder if they miss me too or if I'm wasting my time missing them when they don't even think about me.

The airport is coming in to our view and it feels like something great is coming to an end.

Stepping out in to the cold isn't even bad compared to what I'm feeling inside, there is a lump in my throat... a lump I don't want there because it feels like I'm going to cry and I do not want to be an emotional mess.

The scary part is that I know that when I get home and I'm alone in my room with my thoughts I'll start doubting everything. When he doesn't answer right away I'll over think it and think that he isn't actually in to me.

I feel okay when I'm safe in his arms but when I'm away from him and it feels like I'm being annoying then I start getting those feeling I don't want to have. Those feelings of doubt and how he could find someone so much better... I don't want to get hurt.

The airport is crowded and I'm surprised that no one have come up to Martin yet. Maybe they don't care or don't know... or maybe they want to give him his space I don't know how it is in the Netherlands.

"I'll check us in and give you two some alone time. I'll see you guys soon" Alex say and walk over to the place where you check in. I look after him until I can't see him through the crowd anymore.

"I don't want to leave" I mumble and turn back to Martin. He put his arm around my shoulder and I put mine on his waist, the height difference is adorable, he isn't the tallest boy ever but he is taller than me.

He pulls me closer and I put my head on his chest, the way his heart is beating is so calming, it makes me feel less sad, less like this is real.

But everything has an ending, and like all great things this does too, Alex returns and I'll get woken up from my little bubble. I get ripped back to reality and it hits me like a brick wall. I feel like my whole world is going to fall in to pieces because truth to be told, I never felt like I belonged at home... and now when I feel like I'm home, I feel like my body is finally home like my mind have finally find a place to settle down...

It's weird because why would I even feel this way? It doesn't make sense... but I do... and that makes it so heartbreaking to leave, because it's not only leaving Martin or having to go back to Sweden... it's leaving the feeling of being able to be myself...

Leaving home...

I know according to every single paper ever that I'm on my way home right now... but it's not how it feels, it feels like I'm leaving home to go away until next time.

The time stops but at the same time it doesn't. It doesn't feel like it's moving at all but at the same time it's moving way too fast.

Saying goodbye hurts because who knows what will happen until the next time we see each other? Who knows how we will feel in a couple of months?

The lump in my throat is there like a reminder of the tears that are treating to fall, it's there as a reminder of reality. That my life isn't perfect and everything good that happens in my life will come to an end.

"I don't want you to leave" Martin say and I can honestly say that someone could have stabbed me right in the heart and it would have hurt less. I do not know how I ended up feeling so strongly for someone that I haven't known for that long. How did I end up with feelings that makes everything hard to explain?

I don't say anything I just look at him and press my lips together because I am on the edge of crying and I do not want to cry. I don't want to cry because I don't want to be sad.

He pulls me in to his arms and I just break. I hate it when you try so hard to keep from crying but one simple action just breaks you and you can't do anything about it. I have tried so hard to keep myself together but it feels like I am slowly breaking in to pieces.

"I'm sorry Hanna but we need to leave...." Alex say and tug a little on my shirt, I know that he is right so I just slowly back away from the hug but I keep contact with Martin until we're not touching anymore.

"Goodbye" I mumble and give him a small kiss on the lips.

"Bye" He whispers back and then I turn around and walk away from him. I keep looking back at him until I can't see him anymore... I know he still stands there behind the crowd of people that's hurrying to get to places.

When we're seated on the plane reality hits like a brick wall, that I have no idea what we are. We're not official and I don't even know if we're exclusive. I know loads of people would see us as exclusive but truth is, there is no guaranty that we are if we haven't talked about it.

I know Martin probably wouldn't do anything with anyone else but how many times haven't we met guys we think we know but then they turn out not to be the guy we thought we knew.

I don't want to overthink it, but somehow my brain doesn't want to shut off and I'm stuck inside a black hole with my thoughts dragging me down.