FAITH (Martin Garrix)✔️

31

Empty.

I feel empty like there is nothing left of me, like all feelings just went to shit. I feel so lonely even if there is people around me.

The worst thing about it all is pretending I'm okay. Pretending that I know and that I'm okay with it. Pretending that I'm not falling apart on the inside.

I walk beside him and smile and act like nothing happened because I don't want them to know, I don't want them to see. If they don't know I can still pretend like it didn't happen, if they don't remind me maybe I can forget it.

It's not that easy to forget when she sends me messages all the time.

I kind of wish I didn't know who she was but then she contacted me... she's engaged. He knows about it and forgave her, he knew from the day after because she told him.

Martin didn't tell me.

She wants to talk. She wants to explain her side of the story the "truth" because she think that Martin is lying to me and blaming it all on her. He's not.

He's actually telling me more than she is. She don't want to call me but she can write to me over facebook. She want to meet me face to face but I don't want to see her. I can't look her in to the eyes and knowing what they've done.

It might sound pathetic but truth is I just can't.

I want to forget, I sometimes wish he would leave me in the dark about it... but then I remember I would probably know sooner or later so why not now before it goes too far.

It's been a week since he told me. He thinks I forgave him... I haven't.

I can't just get over it like when he takes one of my fries. It's not something you just get over in a couple of days.

Like my head and heart is still processing and fighting. My head is screaming at me to leave him, to go home to Sweden and just forget everything about him...

But my heart is just grabbing on to the hope that I can move on that I can work this out with him. My heart can't just get up and go home.

I feel so confused and I don't know what to do. There is such a emptiness that's so hard to explain because I got no one to talk to. I don't want to tell anyone but I don't want to shut up either.

I just keep it inside of me letting it eat me up from the inside, hoping we can fix it before it's eaten me alive.

"Hannah?" He smiles as me with those white teeth. He thinks we're fine, he thinks Just because I stopped crying it means I'm over it.

I've gone from crying myself to sleep to not really knowing what to do with my feelings. There is so many of them so they kind of mixed in to a emotionless blob.

"Yeah"

"Do you wanna come with me to the pool?" He smiles big and I just feel that little jump in my heart. It's like my heart skips a beat for him but at the same time it's breaking because of him.

"No I think I'll just stay here" I say and give him another one of those forced smiles... those are the only smiles I've been giving anyone this week.

Fake it till you make it... right?

The hard thing is that i don't know if I will make it.

He leaves. He doesn't say anything he just closes the door and goes.

These walls have become too familiar to me. We've changed hotels over and over because of us being at new places but it still feels like I see more of the hotel walls that anything else.

The way I lay awake looking at them while he is sleeping beside me. The way I try to count the small flowers white flowers on the white wall to keep away from thinking about his arms around me.

The thing that makes me feel safe but at the same time breaks me even more.

I want to move on. I want to get on with my life and move past this with him... but I just can't, I don't know how to do it.

This wasn't supposed to be us. This wasn't supposed to happen.

But it did.

And now I have no idea what to do, I have no idea what to say. I feel like he's a stranger to me now, I felt like I knew him but now when I had wrong about such a big part of him I feel fooled.

I feel like all things he have ever promised and said is lies.

The girl he sent to.... the girl who sent to him... well she was one of those people I knew about. I knew who she was....

She was one of those people "I didn't have to worry about because they're in a relationship" but apparently that doesn't mean much at all.

He have said he's sorry... more than once and I know there is no feelings there but she was sober.

He wasn't. But she was and she knew about us and she knew what she was doing...

I asked her the same question as I did to him... she didn't answer.

Why?

Why did they do it?

Why did it happen?

Why hurt someone that way?

That word will hunt me till the day I die. Because no matter what I will never know the answer of it because they don't know why.

They have no explanation and without it I will forever feel like there will be unfinished questions.

Why do people cheat? Why do they regret it when they do it?

How can you supposedly love someone and then hurt them that way?

The last one is the one that hunts me the much, how can he love me but still hurt me that much?