Not As Planned

Dear Louis...

Dear Louis,

At first I wasn't going to write this. I was just going to pack my things and leave. That's actually what I did in the first place, but when I walked past you sleeping on a pillow, soaked with your tears, on the couch, I rushed back to the room and decided to write this letter. I can't tell you how much I was/am crying as I wrote this. At first I was going to just write 'sorry' but then I realized there was so many things I wanted to tell you, and that I wanted you to know. I'm pretty sure you are disgusted with me right now, but I don't blame you. I would be too. 

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say except for that.

I'm sorry.

I know how much I hurt you the first time you caught Max and me. I might as well just come clean about it all now.

Yes, It was more than a kiss. We never really lost contact after that, I was just pretty good at hiding from you. Yeah, I'm sure you are surprised that I actually hid this from you but this isn't the only thing, there are a million other things you don't know but I'm only telling you this. One time when you were on tour we hooked up (this was before you caught us). Then the next morning, while I was still at his house, you called and told me you wanted to see me and that I should fly out that day. I did, but Max asked why I had to leave so soon. I told him it was a family emergency, and he believed me. So trust me I have lied to him too and I feel horrible about it. I flew out and I was going to tell you then, but I just couldn't find it in me to ruin our weekend.

Every time after that when you said you loved me, every time I saw your face or heard your voice, guilt was tarring me apart on the inside. I kept telling my self to tell you, and get it over with so I can be happy, but then it happened. The night you caught us, I don't want to re explain it because everything you saw  is the only thing that happened that night. 

In all honesty I wasn't planning on coming to America. The other girls asked me, and then you asked me and I felt like I had to. Max had actually invited me over for the weekend, so I was going to tell the girls I couldn't, but like I said when you asked I knew I couldn't say no, no matter how tempting it was. I was just going to tell you I had school, but I knew you would just see through like you did earlier. For the first two days we were together this week I tried to be as close to you as possible, but then that night when we went to the board walk Max texted me and told me he wanted me home, his home. I got the text late that night, and I am thankful that you were asleep. So when we were together after that I tried to pull away from you a little bit, but you didn't make it any easier.

I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm so so sorry. I don't deserve you, I've done nothing but lie, cheat and hurt you. I realize that I'm losing one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I'm sure it'll hit me hard in the next few days. I want you to find someone that can give you more than I ever did. She should love you and cherish you with all she has. I'm sorry I couldn't be that girl for you. I know I can be for someone else though, and I don't want to deprive them of that, just like I don't want to drag you don a hole too deep for you to climb out of.

I don't want to leave, I really don't, but I feel like that is the best thing for us. I felt like we wouldn't be able to recuperate from this fight. I take all the blame for every thing wrong that happened. Don't think any of this was your fault, weather you have even given it a tiny thought or weather you have even thought about that at all.

Another thing I have to tell you is that for quit some time, I haven't been happy. With you, your career, the fans and the lies. Every time I would reach out and ask you to go out, you would turn your back and say you had work. I understand you boys had to write the album and all but those "writing sessions" turned in to playing football with the boys and it irritated me. So instead of waiting around on my ass for my boyfriend to but down the ball and spend one on one quality time with me I went out with the girls and partied.  

The fans might have been the worst but I guess that what I get for dating a worldwide celebrity. I honestly don't know which ones hurt me worst. The ones telling me I was fake and that I needed to go to hell, or the ones that kept bugging me about how you were doing, how we were doing, if there was anything major in our future, because I knew I was going to have to cut the act sometime.

All the lies we told each other, well I don't know how, or if any, lies you have told me, but I felt like you never fully opened up to me. At some points I didn't even feel like your girlfriend, I felt like some you could just be seen holding hands with in public. It seemed like you couldn't trust me. I have actually found out a lot of your secrets from the boys, there were a few that you only told be part of and when I found out there was more to the story than you led on I was crushed. I always felt that you were hiding something from me. Now I guess we are even right?

I can tell you have gotten tired of me, you want to know how, because you look at a certain girl like you use to look at me. You know who that is? Mady. I can tell y'all have a connection that we use to have. I'm jealous, ever since y'all met, I have been jealous of her. Well you know what. You can have her now! I'm done Louis. Actually, I have been done for a while now. For about 7 months to be exact. Yes, this affair between Max and me has been going on for over half a year. I'm glad I have finally gotten out of your light. I don't have to be seen as "the pop-star's girlfriend, or the "beard". I finally get to have the normal life that I've always wanted.

I've been angry with my self for not ending the rollercoaster of emotions until now. We both could have moved on and been with the people we truly love, because obviously I don't love you as much as I thought I did, and You don't love me enough to trust me. 

So this is goodbye. I hate that I had to say all these things in a stupid breakup letter. I'm sure you would have wanted me to tell you in person, but then you would be crying and I would be the pathetic girlfriend that couldn't stand to see you cry and I would run back in your arms like the last time. But this isn't like last time. I have officially cut you out of my life.

I deleted your number, I un followed you on all the social websites and when I get home all our pictures will go through the shredder.

And to answer your question from earlier, yes. The beginning of our relationship was real. We trusted each other, we loved each other, and most girls looked up at us and said they wanted to be like us. Then everything just disappeared. Every inch of trust, every ounce of love, gone. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier and kept leading you on.

This letter went from a sorry one to an angry one. Sorry it turned out like this, but it's for the best. Now we can both be happy.

Goodbye Louis.

Have a nice life.

- Eleanor