Shattering Love

Chapter 37: Self-Blame

Cameron's P.O.V.
I look at Shawn and I's apartment. It feels so strange to be here again. Nearly three months I've been away and boy how things have changed. If only I could have known that I'd be coming back home a single man. An alone man. A man with his heart pulled from his chest and tore into pieces right before his eyes. I sit down on the couch, catching my breath. When I think of Shawn my breathing always gets heavy. My chest burns and I can honestly feel my heart broken into several pieces. I lay down on the couch as tears start to pour from my eyes. I just can't understand. I thought I was enough for him. I thought he loved me. But he didn't. And now I'm nothing. I have nothing. Shawn was my absolute everything and now I'm his nothing. I'm just a worthless human being that has no one to love. I just don't understand. That's the same question that keeps popping up in my head. Why? Why did he cheat? Was I such a horrible husband that he had to sleep with someone else? Am I so worthless that even when I give someone my 100% it just isn't enough? I continue just crying on this couch. This damned couch that he picked out when we went furniture shopping. I hated this damned thing but it was his favorite. I made so many sacrifices for him. I'm such a fool. I'm so stupid. How could I have honestly thought for so long that he could actually of loved me. Why would he? What do I honestly have to offer? I just now started a career. I don't have any special talents. I'm literally nothing and Shawn can do so many amazing things. He can cook, he can dance, oh god can he sing. I just don't know why he left me. I get up to walk to the bathroom, the snot and tears being too much on my face. I look at myself in the bathroom. Look at yourself Cameron. You're just a stupid piece of garbage. Why did you think you even had a chance with someone like Shawn? You're nothing Cameron. You're literally nothing but garbage. Garbage that nobody wants. I start laughing. Why am I laughing as these tears are pouring down my face? It's an evil sounding laugh, honestly scaring me a little bit. I can't control it though. I slide down the wall till I'm sitting on the bathroom floor. I lean my head back, still laughing crazily. I think I'm going crazy. I lean my head back forward seeing something shiny in the shower. A shiny razor. No Cameron. Why would you even think about doing something like that. Crazy people cut themselves. You're not crazy. I stand up and walk to the shower. I step in picking up the razor in my right hand. I wander if it'll actually help? No Cameron no. I put the razor back down and walk out of the bathroom. I need to get out of here. I can't just sit here and cry and think about what's happened. It'll make me go crazy. I pick up my jacket as I head out the door. I'm going to buy some alcohol. I can't stand being in this state of mind anymore. I need something to get my mind off of Shawn.

*****

I'm hysterically laughing. Nash came and picked me up and we went back to his house. "Dude I'm serious it legit happened." he says laughing. He takes another sip of his drink. It's in a very large glass bottle. He just told me about one of the girls they saw on their MAGCON trip.

"That's great dude." I say taking a drink.

"So have you thought about coming back to MAGCON at all?"

"I don't know Nash. I had other things planed for ahead but now everything's changed."

"What do you mean?" he asks, taking a drink.

"Well S-" I go to say Shawn's name but Nash and I made a promise not to say his name tonight. This is the only way I'm going to "get over him." "Well he was supposed to come home from his tour and me from my movie and I was going to give it a few days and I was actually gonna ask Shawn if he was ready to have kids."

"Damn. Are you serious?"

"As serious as I'll ever be Nash. I was ready to start a fucking family with that man." I wanted to keep talking but I couldn't. I knew I'd start crying. I take a drink from the bottle.

"Do you hate him?" Nash asks me seriously. I ponder this thought for a second. Hating my Shawny. Well I guess he isn't mine anymore but still.

"Nash the only way I can possibly put this into words is I can never hate Shawn." I broke the rule. "I honestly believe that the love I have in my heart for him will forever be there. I like Shawn. I just don't like what he did. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now either. I mean shit; I was ready to start a family with Shawn. I was ready to settle down. I was ready for the rest of my life with him. And he ruined all of that. I've been told by several of my friends there are three stages of dealing with cheating. Stage One: Sadness and Confusion. Stage Two: Self-Blame. Stage Three: Revenge. Stage Four: Acceptance. And finally Stage Five: Moving On. I'd say I've currently made it to Stage 2. I'm not really looking forward to the next three stages. I mean I am but I also am not. As I get farther and farther away from me and Shawn breaking up, the more my heart is going to be comfortable being without his. But at the same time I'm going to miss him. I guess I'm just gonna have to drink more alcohol and do more crazy things to get my mind off of Shawn. Let's see what kind of crazy shit I can get into. (Devilish grin.)