Shattering Love

Chapter 40: So Damn Hard

Cameron's P.O.V.
What is love? Is it even real? Or is love just something we humans make up in our head? I look at the photo album in my hands. It was the big present Shawn got me for Christmas this year. It was my favorite present. I open it up to the first page. Shawn started the book with pictures before we were even together. I look at 15 year old me and 15 year old him. Even back then I knew he was different. My heart always beat different when I was around him. I would be around him and my heart would just beat faster. I honestly think it was a sign from God or from fate, that we were meant to be together. I look at the photo album. The pain I've felt for the past two weeks is so strong. I've never hurt so much in my life. I have sometimes wandered where I'd be right now had I not went to film for that movie. First off Shawn and I would have never spent so much time away from each other. He would have never been able to cheat on me. It's so strange that in my head all of these memories I have of Shawn are thrown askew. It's as if the past almost 2 years were all just a waste. I spent all that time loving Shawn and what did I get out of it? A broken heart and a lot of self-hatred? And the saddest thing out of all of it is that I would do it all again. Even if I knew it'd end this way, I would go back and do it all. I freakin loved Shawn. I still do love Shawn. I flip the photo album to the next page when the front door flys open. Nash runs in, slamming it shut behind himself. He's breathing very fast, so I give him a second to catch his breath. "You ok dude?" I ask.

"Cameron." he says, taking a large breath. "Cameron you need to go talk to Shawn." I just stare at Nash. What did he just say to me?

"Excuse me?" I ask annoyed. Nash knows how damn difficult this has been for me. Why would he say some dumb shit like this?

"You need to go talk to Shawn right now." he says, pointing at me, then back at the door.

"Nash why would you even say something like that." I say slamming the photo album shut and getting off the couch. Nash looks wide eyed at the album then me.

"You still love him." he says smiling. He picks up the album holding it in his hands. "You still love him Cameron and you need to go talk to him."

"I've already told you Nash, I'm never talking to him again. I know that if I talk to him, one of two things will happen. Number one, I'll get so mad that I hurt him or myself." I'd never be able to live with myself if I physically hurt him. "Or number two, I cry so much that my eyes explode. There is no middle ground here Nash." Nash just laughs at me. I'm not trying to be funny.

"You don't understand Cameron. Shawn still loves you."

"Huh, I'm sure he does." I say, grabbing a Bud Light from the fridge.

"You're not drinking that." Nash says, running towards me and grabbing the bottle.

"What the fuck Nash? You know I need alcohol to deal with shit right now."

"No Cameron. I'm not taking it anymore. You've been at my house for two weeks now! Two weeks! And I've seen you throw your life to shit. I've never seen one person consume so much damn alcohol. And this vaping stuff? What is it? Is it like a cigarette is it not? You have me so damn confused and I'm tired of just sitting here and watching you throw your life away."

"Fuck you Nash. I thought you were my friend. I've been doing all that stuff because it helps."

"Yah well Shawn will help more. He fucking loves you dude. He fucking loves you much. Like I wish someone could love me as much as you two love each other. You have no idea what you're throwing away Cameron." What the fuck did he just say to me?

"You think I'm throwing this away? I'm not the one that cheated on him. He did this to us!" I scream. "And it pisses me off every single damn time I think about it, because every time I think of Shawn I think of all the times I almost lost him. When I was holding him in my arms when I thought he tried to kill himself. When Josh shot me. When he was in a coma and everyone including you thought he was gonna die and I think of how much I fucking love him." The tears are really starting to pour down my face. "And then I think about how none of that even mattered to him. He threw all of it away. All of us away! He was the love of my fucking life. The man of my dreams. And now I'm standing here yelling at you in a kitchen about how much he matters to me, and no matter what I do I can never have him back. Nash you have no idea how badly I just want to hold him in my arms. I just want to hold him and comfort him and tell him everything's going to be ok and tell him I love him. But I can't. And I never will again. And it's just so damn hard." Nash pulls me into a hug. Why did he make me say all of this out loud? I haven't allowed myself to be sober enough to feel all these emotions. It's so overwhelming.

"But you can Cameron. You just have to drive to his apartment and talk to him. Trust me. I'm usually right about these things dude. I'd rather you go and know that it would never have worked out, then to sit here and for the rest of your life asking yourself what if." I look up into Nash's eyes. I can't go see Shawn? You know what, actually I am. I haven't been able to feel all these emotions at once, and I think it's making me think clearer.

"Nash I'm going to my old apartment." I swallow the lump in my throat. "I'm going to talk to Shawn. And if I come back here with an even more broken heart, I'm beating your ass."

"Just go." Nash yells to me. I run to the door. I get inside my car and start it. I'm actually going to talk to Shawn. I'm actually going to talk to him.

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Wow guys. I can't believe we're already on Chapter 40. That's so crazy to me. I only have a few more lose ends to tie up and then this book is over😭. I'm not ready for the ending. And neither are any of you. Trust me. Some big stuff is going to happen. Very. Big. Stuff. And just an FYI next chapter is going to be very emotional. Over 2,000 words too! Most chapters are around 1,000. Bring a box of tissues, especially if you're a sensitive person. The next chapter is gonna make you cry. I can't wait for you guys to read it. See yah later!