Dear Diary,

How I Feel.....

Dear Autumn,

First off I want to say sorry for not being able to say this in person........I just can't work up the courage to tell you this because.........well how I feel about you is different than anything I have ever experienced before.......

I just.......I can't really explain how I feel about you in words.......I could show you how I feel about you but you would have to promise me that you won't say anything......you would just have to go with it...................who am I kidding I wouldn't be able to do that.

Ok how about this............you don't read the rest of this until I tell you that I want you too ok. And if you can you tell me why you wanted to know so bad..............Deal?

Ok, so how should I start this..........Well first off you already know I used to go from one girl to the next and not even care that I broke their heart........well ever since I saw you things have been different........I can't think of any other girl without comparing them to you and then I end up just thinking about you.

When I first saw you.....you were wearing skinny jeans and a hoodie that was big on you. You had your hair covering your face and I will be honest I thought you were just another girl but then I saw your face and.........everything just stopped.

Your eyes were so big and deep......I kinda fell for you right then...........Autumn that has never happened to me before........mostly I just see the girls who are easy to fuck or have a big ass and rack and that's what I go for but with you it is different.

Ya, you may have a big ass and a pretty good sized rack it is different..........I didn't fall for you because of your appearance........when I saw you and looked into your eyes I saw through you......I could tell that you had been hurt, I could tell you were an amazing person.......I fell for your soul without even knowing you........I looked into your eyes and I fell for you........I kinda did literally fall because I ran into a door frame when I was lost in your eyes but I'm ok.

When I finally met you at lunch for the first time.....you pushed Jailyn and I away and the reason I told her it was best to leave you alone is because I could tell that it would be best to just listen to you..........I could tell that something was wrong......you looked scared when Laugh almost sat down and so I told her not to and we moved but all lunch I was looking at you.......I couldn't seem to get over how beautiful you looked.

Beautiful is a word the old me never used, I called girls hot, pretty sexy, smokin' but never beautiful or cute. Most girls I liked were confident but you are not, you are shy and small............ok don't judge this comparison but it will help you understand. So other girls I have "liked" were like a tiger or a leopard, pretty and confident but you........you are this adorable little kitten.

I know that wasn't a good comparison but that is how I think........I like cats ok......I have 3. I know you don't really know the me now and you don't know much about how I am but please give me a chance when you read this..........

I guess what I have been trying to say is I have never liked someone as much as I like you.....I really hope you like me too which is why I couldn't say this in person........I don't want this to ruin our friendship......I don't want to lose you.

Let me refrase that, I CAN'T lose you......you are the only friend I have and because I am friends with you no one will talk to me or Jailyn. Plus I wouldn't want to be friends with any of those ass holes who would rather bring someone who is amazing down.

Oh, that reminds me.......I remember when I found you about to kill yourself......the reason I was so mad is because I had just seen you and ya you seemed low on self-esteem I thought that I could just talk to you and help you with that stuff. I wanted to get to know you but I saw you just about to end your life and I had to stop you.

When you told me what was going on I was so shocked......you were so strong even though you seemed so weak. I couldn't believe that you could go through all that and no one know what really goes on. You went through abuse, bullying, self-harm, and whatever else God threw at you and no one knew how strong you were because you looked so weak.

I guess that is also why I like you, you look so weak on the outside but inside you are so strong. You can go through hell and almost break but still go on because you are stronger than anyone I have ever met. You look so small but you are a fighter.........you are stronger than even me........I could never go through the abuse from school, home and myself.

I honestly like how I am nicknamed Love......you call me love and my heart stops for a few seconds even though I know you don't mean it like that. You said that I love the broken ones.......well that's not true........I only love you.......

.........It's true.........I have liked girls.....I have lusted girls........but I love you........but it's not just love.........I adore you........with most girls I yearn to fuck them but........with you......I yearn to kiss you......I yearn to love you.......I yearn to make you happy.........to feel your love......

What am I talking about.......I could never tell you how I really feel and I will never be ready for you to read this.........If you read this and I didn't tell you I was ready then now you know how I feel........If I told you to read it.......ya this is how I feel.

I hope this won't change anything between us because while I really like you I also don't want to ruin our friendship.

~Grey