Don't Break Me

Chapter 26

Justin's POV:

It had been almost a week since the incident at school. My mum hasn't let me out of her sight all week and keeps asking me how I am. I have to go back to school tomorrow, which I don't actually mind. Actually I am quite excited to go back. I am just not excited to see anyone there, especially Jason. I swear that I am the universally hated by everyone who walks those halls. My body has healed up pretty well. I still have a few bruises showing light blackness and my lip is still healing from being spilt. I keep having on and off headaches throughout the past week so I hope that nothing serious is going on. There are a few things that haven't healed though. I have been cutting down my forearm daily. My general mood has been one of 'I don't want or need this life anymore'. Jason. He hurt me. Not just physically but emotionally. As you could imagine, I am quite fragile with my emotions. I don't show them. But if I do on the rare occasion, it is because I have trust in that person. Jason took that trust, chewed it up and spat it back in my face.

A few light tears began to run down my bruised cheeks. The thought of Jason and what he has done to me really pushes me over the edge. It makes me feel stupid. But, I can't blame him. It is all my fault for being me. If I wasn't me then he wouldn't have a reason to bully me. I haven't seen or heard from him since I told him to leave the other day. I am very thankful for that, because if I see him, I think my anxiety will take over my body. Like right now thinking about him I can feel my stomach twisting and my heartbeat picking up speed. Whenever I think about him, my body fills with fear.

I haven't eaten for about three days now. I don't feel the need too. All I do is feel sick and vomit afterwards. But I feel like my mum knows that something is going on. She was talking to me about going to see a doctor, but I put on my best fake face and told her I was fine. I know that I am supposed to eat, it's a basic human thing, but ever since I've stopped eating a lot, I don't feel hungry, and when I do I just fill my stomach with water. It is obviously not doing anything for me though, I still see my fat self staring back at me in the mirror. I hate that I can't just lose weight.

I can feel how weak my body really is. The last few days of just laying around, not eating, self-harming, past beatings and lack of sleep have all caught up to me. I feel deflated. Every movement that I make hurts. I have a constant feeling or tiredness and dread. I fear sleeping because when I do I just relive Jason's beatings. My arms are covered from wrist to elbow is bandages at the moment. I got a little caught up in the moment with my razor the other night. It hurts to move them around. I have been thinking about killing myself. It wouldn't be too hard. I could escape this life and go be at peace. I could make everyone lives better. I put thought into it and decided that my self-pain all started with that one razor in my bathroom and my life will end with that exact one. I don't know when I will, but it is coming soon. I've got nothing to live for.

I snapped out of my thoughts as I turned my head to look for the time. It was 01:58am. Well sugar I have school in like six hours. I rolled back over on my side and shut my eyes trying to get some shred of sleep before I start another week of straight hell.

***

"Justin baby," I heard a soft voice call as my body was being lightly shaken. I fluttered my eyes open rubbing them softly. I looked up to see my mum sitting beside me smiling. "Baby it is 7:30am, time for school," she spoke rubbing her hand down my cheek. I felt overly tired. I don't even remember going to sleep last night. I just blacked out like that. I furrowed my eyebrows trying to wake myself a little. I turned to my mum and smile wrapping my arms around her. She embraced me into a hug and squeezed tightly knowing that my body had somewhat healed. I broke away from the hug and rubbed my hands over my face trying to wipe away the tired. My mum leant in and placed a kiss on my cheek before standing and walking to the door. "We will leave in thirty minutes okay my baby? Oh and breakfast in downstairs when you are ready." She spoke sending me a smile and walking out of sight. I don't feel like eating. But I know that she will get suspicious if I don't eat again. I got out of bed and walked downstairs into the kitchen.