i n s e c u r e

thirtyfour

Shownu kept massaging his head on his way home.

The school didnt allow him to go home without any guardian taking him back. But knowing Shownu, he climbed over the school gate and escaped from there.

The journey back home was longer than usual since his vision was unclear and his posture is unstable. Often, he would fall down or trip over nothing.

He sat at the bus stand as he waited for the next bus to arrive.

Shownu stared at his feet as he strain his eyes, to see them clearly.

Soon after, he started tearing up.

The image of Kihyun and Hyerin was still fresh in his mind.

Shownu doesnt know that love, who people said was wonderful, could also be the most painful thing ever.

He knows that he is not perfect. He has too many flaws and that probably made Kihyun feel disgusted by him.

But he thought that atleast, Kihyun would be different from everyone else.

Maybe Kihyun can accept him for who he is.

Unfortunately, he doesnt.

Kihyun is the same like the people around him.

Shownu look up to the sky and let out a weak laugh. He doesnt have any reason to continue living now.

After boarding the bus and reaching his house, Shownu found a pair of men sandals laying at the front porch.

He rolled his eyes before entering the house.

It wasnt quiet, thats for sure.

Mrs Son brought a new guy with her and they were making out in the bedroom.

Just as Shownu was about to go up the stairs, Mrs Son came out of her room, in her nightie. She tied her hair in a bun as she walked pass the male.

"Ask your dad for money" She said.

"Ask him yourself" Shownu replied instantly.

At this juncture, he really doesnt care about anyone else.

"What did you say? Do you wanna die in my hands?" She fold her arms.

Shownu sigh heavily as he turned to her.

"You dont have to"

"Of course...and I wont...I see you have a rope hanging inside your room...why dont you put it to good use huh? Your existence is useless anyway" She rolled her eyes before going to the kitchen.

Shownu watch his mother's back and and silently grit his teeth.

Even the woman who gave birth to him doesnt want him to live in this world.

So what does that leave him with?

Nothing.

The male lazily drag his legs to his room and close the door shut.

Shownu knew that the time has come for him to finally use the rope. And the time is now.

But honestly, he really didnt want to end his life this way.

At the bottom of his heart, he wished that there is still some kind of hope for him to hold on to.

He still wished that there is at least...a small reason for him to continue living.

Shownu stare at his laptop wallpaper, a picture of Kihyun two months ago, stuffing his mouth with kimbap.

He took out his fingers and caress Kihyun's face before smiling to himself. He miss those moments when Kihyun was by his side.

It has always been Kihyun that made life bearable.

Shownu smile to himself one last time before he got up from his chair.

He push the chair till it reaches directly underneath the rope. It breaks his heart to do this but he has no other choice. He didnt want to burden anyone else.

He was already suicidal from the start anyway. He was just waiting for the day that something will trigger the desire to end his life.

Shownu got up on the chair and analised the rope that was hanging on the ceiling. He test its strength and was glad that it is as strong as it used to.

He gently place it around his neck and stare at Kihyun's picture one last time.

thank you....my love

And then he kicked the chair out of the way, resulting in the rope choking him slowly.