Grey Matter- JO MFZ [COMPLETED]

Chapter 18; Beaten

Mackenzie's POV

John had drove me home from the beach. It wasn't that late. Everyone was going out, except for John because it's John. I wasn't planning on joining them. I just wanted to be alone for awhile.

I've just want to be alone lately. I don't know how I feel. I guess you can say I feel inadequate, useless, like just another person in the world who won't make a difference. That's how I feel most days now.

I don't tell my mother because, she's busy, and she'd probably put me in therapy. I don't tell Greg because, he's drunk most of the time. I don't tell anyone of my friends, Brandon or even Maddie and the girls because, I don't think they can help me. They'll just say some bullshit that everyone says to depressed people.

It'll get better. Just give it time.

Ya, no, complete and utter bullshit. How much time do I have to wait until I'm not depressed?

Yet, when I'm with John it's different. He makes me feel like I know who I am. Like he can bring out the best in me.

My phone goes off and I groan. I pick it up and see who it is.

iMessage received now
Madz💜: hey kenz wyd?

I look at it and sigh, maybe I can talk to Maddie about this. I mean after all she is my older sister. She's there for me with everything, like she gave me 'the talk' and everything. That's just our relationship. It's been close since we were little.

iMessage sent now
Nothing, just thinking about some stuff. Madz, can I ask you something?

I waited a few moments and then received a text.

iMessage received now
Madz💜: ya what's up sis?

iMessage sent now
have you ever felt, inadequate? Like you're just useless and nobody cares about you? Or like, just you don't know who you are?

iMessage received now
Madz💜: when I was younger yes. Everyone does, it just happens you know? Why what's going on Mack?

iMessage sent now
nothing it's stupid

iMessage received now
Madz💜: nothing you think about or say is stupid. Seriously what's going on?

iMessage sent now
I've been feeling like that a lot lately and, idk I just don't know who I am or what I want to do

iMessage received now
Madz💜: Mack do you want me to come over? We can talk about it

iMessage sent now
no, don't worry about it just forget I said anything. Night xo

iMessage received now
Madz💜: nonono what's going on?

iMessage sent now
I just told you. I don't know who I am and I don't know what I want to do. I feel useless, unimportant. Just I feel like a waste of space.

I hit send and put my phone down to my side. I get up to go get changed. I grabbed out black booty shorts, and an oversized sweater.

I looked at my arm, my wrist more specifically. I see the scars. The scars from before. When I was in ninth and tenth grade. I was depressed and cut myself. Almost everyday there was a fresh, bright red mark on my wrist.

Up until Maddie found out. I'll never forget the day. I was in tenth grade. So this previous school year.

Flashback