fix you || A.I.

chapter seventeen

"So what did you wanted to talk about?" I asked when I let myself fall on my bed. I didn't even care that I still had my dress and shoes on, I could sleep like this.

"I first want to tell you that this wasn't my plan at all. Absolutly not."

"Just say it Ashton." I said a little annoyed. No need for excuses, he wouldn't tell me if he didn't agree with the idea.

"Luke has apparently been talking to management for the past few days to see what we will do with the award show in a week. We have our concert in 2 days here and then we fly back to America for the show and then to our next destination. Our tour team is staying on the bus to the next destination and gets a few days off but Luke wanted to know if you could go to America with us or not. Together with management they came to the master plan that I would take you with me to the show. Luke is going with Arz, Michael with Crystal and Calum alone. I was going alone aswell but they wanted me to ask you." He said before finally breathing out "This isn't a date, but as they have seen us together a lot recently, they wanted us to go as friends. So will you go to a lame award show with me?"

"Are you calling a big music award show lame? That's like a room full of my idols that you're calling lame." I said slightly shocked. "I will go, if you introduce me to Halsey and Ed Sheeran."

"I like your way of accepting this. And I'll absolutly introduce you to Ashley, she's a great friend of us. And I can't promise you that I'll be able to introduce you to Ed Sheeran."

"Are any of the One Direction boys going to be there?"

"I think Zayn and Harry got nominated, maybe Niall aswell but I'm not sure. If they are there, I can introduce you to them. So is this a deal?"

"Did you really think I was going to be that easy?" I asked and he shook his head "I'm slightly scared of you thanks to your very sudden change in mood. I like it, but I'm not sure if you're putting on a mask or if you're actually feeling better?"

"I already thought it was weird that you didn't ask something like this as deal." He said before sitting down at my feet. "Is this the night where you're going to ask the full story?"

I sat up again as I looked at him, taking one of his hands in mine while he looked down. I gave his hand a light squeeze while I looked at him with a small smile, he looked back at me and I could see the worry in his looks.

"You're only going to tell me that story when you're ready for it. All I want to know is if you're feeling better or if you're learning to put on a mask for everyone. Because I beg you to please don't put a mask on for me." I said silently. Even though nobody could hear us, I felt like if we were too loud, all our secrets would be out in the open. "That's a story that can't be forced to be told. I just want you to able to talk to me about how you feel now."

"I never really saw the point in putting a mask on for you, you will see right through it from the moment I look you in the eyes." He said silently. "When were you ready to tell your story?"

"Only the people who went through it with me know it, because I wasn't ready to say it when people asked it. I never felt ready to tell it." I said even more quiet. How the hell can I expect him to tell me his story, when I have never told mine.

"Does Luke know?" He asked, I shook my head as a reply.

"Luke knows more then you do, he knows a story, but not mine. He knows the story that went around, the story every person heard in town but it wasn't even close to what was going on. My dad and two friends know, that's it." I said before looking down at my hands. I was still holding his hand but I didn't feel like moving.

"So in all those years, you haven't told anyone?" He asked, I shake my head as an answer, knowing that what will come out now will be a broken voice. "Do you feel like telling it now?"

I looked up at him with a small smile before laughing a little "How did we go from me asking if you were alright to me telling my story?"

"Because I could see you were hurt the second I asked about it." He said before taking my second hand in his. "You can talk to me, remember that."

"I know. I guess it's story time." I crossed my legs and moved backwards a little so Ashton had more room to sit comfortable. "I was 17 at the time of the article that I sended you, I got into a depression when I was 16 so that's 7 years ago now. I went into therapy when I was 17 and stopped shortly after I turned 18. My dad sort of sended me out of the house to college and stopped paying for therapy, which is expensive so I couldn't go anymore. I went to college for 5 years so only graduated shortly before I came here. Nobody really asked me if I was alright or asked me to talk to them in those five years so I never really felt like telling the story."

"So you've been holding up this story for 7 years?" He asked and I nodded before I could feel the first tear slipping away.

"I always dreamed about becoming a doctor, I didn't go to med school at the end but I always would play doctor as a child and even when I was growing up I would ask my parents if they were hurt. So I think 6 months before my mom died I started recording what I did. So I recorded every time I asked if my mom was alright. I was a crazy teenager. But I was planning on having my own tv show as a doctor so I saw that as a great start. My mom thought it was funny in the beginning. When I look back at those videos now, I could see how much sadder she was becoming every single video. The bags under her eyes would only grow, she was clearly losing weight and a month before she went away she started telling me how her brains and hart hurted. Me, as a shitty doctor, would always say that her brain and heart were fighting about who she loved more, dad or me. She started talking about how she felt numb, she told me once that her wrists hurted. So I bandaged them while she held the side with cuts to the ground. On the last recording she told me, I'm going to die and I'm going to miss you." I said before taking a deep breath, tears were flowing down my cheecks in a rapid speed now. "I told her that it was okay if she was letting her brain choose for dad. That I would know her heart always loved me more. I was sixteen and had no clue how the world worked. The next day I came home with my best friend and when I ran to my parent's room to say we were home I heard that the tv wasn't playing. I thought she was asleep, she wasn't in the bedroom so I knocked on the bathroom. And there she was, lying in a red bath tub, her eyes closed and no heartbeat to be found. My dad was supposed to come home 2 hours before me that day, he was cheating on my mom at that exact moment. He was supposed to find her, not me." I said before pulling my hand away from Ashton to wipe away some tears.

"So now I got 31 videos for every day in that last month were she told me how depressed she was. I got thirty-one videos where she's giving me signs that she's about to kill herself and on the last video she tells me that she's going to do it. And the next day she did." I said, it was getting harder and harder not to break down completly now "Do you get now why I can't stop trying to help you?"

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A/N: I feel like shit right now and just really sad so this is a great time to write sad chapters.

My life is just a big mess right now.