fix you || A.I.

chapter fourty-two

——— Ashton's POV ———

It's hard to get better. It's hard because at the end, no one can help me during this process. I have to experience every single thing myself if I really want to stay better. I can't depend on her to feel alright.

At this moment she seems all I need to get better. But what if we part ways? She has her contract now but we all know that she got an amazing offer to write down her story. So will she leave as soon as the contract ends? Or will she just ask to leave earlier?

The only thing keeping me sane at the moment is the sound of her slow breathing. She fell asleep half an hour into the movie. But now she's laying with her head on my chest and her arm wrapped around me. I'm pretty sure it will be driving me insane the next hour.

But back to the process of recovery. It's hard. It's fucking hard. There aren't a lot of days that go by without wanting to disappear in the bathroom. Without wanting to be invisible again. I deleted all kinds of social media as soon as I stepped inside the plane. I had to make this stop, even though I don't know how to make this stop. But social media might have been the biggest problem. When you are standing across of someone, they act nice and would never act the way they do online. They say whatever they want because I could never know who they are.

I think deleting those apps might have been the best thing I did. People know I'm alive thanks to Alexis so they don't seem to worry that much about it. The fans are absolutly loving Alexis' new ideas. She basically follows us everywhere with her camera and posts daily videos and updates on our band social medias. Fans love it and it's nice to show them how things go during tour.

Luke keeps telling me how I shouldn't give up on her yet, but, except for tonight, she has been so distant and while she used to love a good hug or a little attention she now turns away and will try to avoid any contact while we are backstage.

What I'm scared of most, is if these feelings I have are real. I feel something for her but do I like her because she saved me or because of how she is? Do I like her or do I like the way she acts?

She's driving me crazy which makes getting better a little harder but without her, I wouldn't be close to getting better.

"I'm keeping you awake, aren't I?" I heard her soft voice say before she pushed herself up. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry, my mind wasn't exactly letting me sleep anyway." I said with a small smile before placing a strand of hair behind her ear again. Her eyes moved from my face to my hand as soon as I did it. "What changed?"

"Isn't it a little early for questions like that?" She said before turning around and laying with her back facing me on the other side. "Go to sleep, it will already be a long day."

"Goodnight Alexis."

"Goodnight Ashton." She said. I looked at the ceiling for what seemed like forever untill I could hear her breathing slow down again. As soon as I was sure she was asleep I got out of bed and left the room. I needed to do something, laying in bed and letting my thoughts run free would kill me.

---

"Ashton and I will go get lunch, we'll be back in half an hour." Alexis said to Luke before walking up to me. She looked so good today. Even if she was just wearing a plain tank top and shorts, she looked happy and her eyes were bright. She had this smile on her face that made everyone around her smile aswell. Even after only two hours of sleep, a shitty interview and a pissed off Luke, I was walking around with her with a smile.

"I'm so happy to be back on the road again. All this traveling just makes me happy." She said with a smile as we walked down the street. I had my arm wrapped around her shoulder as she held me around my waist as she looked up at me. "It makes you happy aswell, doesn't it?"

"I don't get how people can stop doing this, I would do this till the day I die."

"But what would you do if you'd get a family, a girlfriend or wife? Would you leave your family for so long to go on the road?" She asked.

"The only reason I would ever start doing this less often would be to have my own family. But even then I think I'd rather take them on the road with me." I replied with a smile on my face. I looked down at her before looking infront of me again, making sure we wouldn't run into people.

"I like how much you love doing this. It's just amazing to see how much passion you put into your music." She said with a nod. She pulled me inside this chinese take away restaurant and dragged me along to the waiting line.

"Is it alright if I sleep on you while we wait?" I said laughing a little

"Even if I say no, you're going to do it anyway." She said with a smile before taking her phone out of her pocket.

"I'm going to prove you wrong now." I said as I looked down at her. She looked back at me with a smile and I placed a kiss on her cheeck.

Even after being followed by cameras and phones for so long, it's still hard not to notice them. We always try to ignore it but I still see every single phone pointed towards us and every camera across the street.

We waited for about 10minutes untill we could finally pick up our order. We both took a bag and went out of the restaurant again. I could see a flash across the street as soon as we walked out.

"If they start stalking us during our way back, don't run. They're often in a pretty good shape aswell. The arena isn't that far." I said before taking her free hand in mine so I couldn't loose her.

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." She said with a smile as she gave my hand a slight squeeze. "Let's worry more about the food getting cold."

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A/N: Anyone ever feels like they lose everything that makes them happy? Nothing has changed in my life, nobody has died or walked away from me (a few people did but whatever) but still I feel less happy every day and university is horrible. The lessons are really interesting but it's all so hard and I don't feel like I can do it at all.

Life just sucks right now.

Worst thing is, I have no friends to talk to. No friends to go out with and just forget everything for a night and no friends that will see when something is wrong. I'm on my own and it absolutly sucks.