fix you || A.I.

chapter eighteen

I broke down completly after I asked my final question. I finally got it all out to someone who wasn't with me at that time.

"Do you still have those videos?" He asked and I nodded.

"Ashton, I need to tell you something." I said when I wiped away the last tears. "I'm a psychology grad student. I still have to send in my thesis video this week, but if I do, I'm officially graduated. They already rated my written version so I graduate if I send the video. People will find out as soon as they start looking better when they search my name, so I don't want you to hear it from them." I might have ended all future conversations with saying this, but if I go to the award show, he will find out.

"What?" He asked as he let go of my hands. "Why the hell did you never tell me that? Is this why you're here on tour?"

"You never asked me and it's not the reason why I'm here. I am not here as a therapist. I'm here as Luke's friend and hopefully I can call myself your friend now aswell." I lied. I can't tell that.

"Why are you telling me now?" He asked, he didn't look mad, he just looked a little confused.

"Because I wasn't done yet when I started crying." I said softly "I still had to tell you how the hell I got here but that includes telling you that."

"I can't even be mad at you for lying because you never lied. I never asked as I was too busy being mad at you for giving a shit." He said as he looked down at his own hands. "And maybe I can't be mad at you for telling this, now I know that if I tell you something, you've been in a much worse hell and that you know what you're actually talking about. Who else knew?"

"Luke ofcourse, Calum and Michael have no clue and Crystal knows. She figured it out herself." I said silently, we had went back to being quiet, and I like it that way.

"They can't know that I know it aswell." He said rapidly. "That's our secret. But now I'm going to allow you to go on."

"So I got into a depression at 16, people laughed at me for starting to look like my mom. They always joked about how I was going to do exact the same thing as her. It only drove me further and I was going to do it. My dad didn't care enough to see it at the time. It was like we were in a play. I was playing my mom and he was me. He ignored the signs, and I got worse. But I never talked to him about it, that's the twist in the play. I wasn't exactly the same as her. The article was made after I was found on the street, I still tried to work out as I wanted to loose even more weight. I passed out and someone found me and I got rushed to the hospital. Everyone was keeping an eye on my dad after that so I got send to therapy. It was then that I decided to get better and make a change. I started gaining weight again and slowly cuts started fading and I got my smile back. It took me a while but I knew what I wanted to do. I was going to make sure that I could stop people from doing what my mom did and what I almost did. I couldn't help her so I atleast wanted to help someone else. So yes, I indeed saw you as that first someone I wanted to help. But I forgot about that quickly. I wanted to help you by being there for you, not by being your therapist." I said as I looked at him with a little smile.

"You said you joined tour to escape life and be with your best friend again. Why?" He asked as he took my hands back in his.

"She's my thesis." I said as I felt another tear roll down my cheecks. "I sended it in right before I stepped on the plane to come to you guys. I needed a friend that already knew what happened to her, those friends were always limited and Luke's the only one I got left. I made the thesis video while you were on stage every day or while you went to interviews or whatever. I talked with Luke every day, scared to fall back in old habits if I didn't. I needed a friend so texted Luke, I didn't know you had just started Europe. He texted me back to say I could come here as he couldn't come to me. I just needed a friend but got an escape route and an extra friend aswell."

"Can I see the video?" He asked slowly.

"One day, but not now. Now I need to prepare myself for possibly seeing my mom on a big screen while I'm surrounded by all the other students and their families. I need to prepare myself for coming clean, and that isn't easy."

"Please don't ever hold something in for so long." He said before pulling me close for a hug.

"Thank you for listening. I think this is exactly what I needed. I have been struggling to press send for the video, if I send that, everyone will see the videos. The videos that I held for myself for so long."

"You can do this. I believe in you." He said with a smile. "I feel ready to tell you my story, but maybe it's better if we save that for tomorrow. I already feel bad enough because my story seems like nothing next to yours and still I acted this way."

"Every thing is important, I don't care if your story is small or big. It's still important."

"My mother is still here and I didn't have to find anyone" he said as he looked down at our hands.

"It was never about that for me, it was the videos that drove me insane. I know what she's going to say out of my head in every video. It was the fact that she showed all the signs, but I didn't see it. I could have helped her and I didn't. That's what drove me insane, that's what made my life turn around completly. It's the small things that often matter the most."

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A/N: ARE YOU GUYS READY TO FIND OUT WHAT ASHTONS STORY IS?