Meathead Monologue

in three months i will be sixteen

i was four years old when i think i started to remember things. when i first started to process the world around me.
i was five years old when i got my first best friend. when i first started to cherish people.
i was six years old when she was stolen from me. when i first realized that there were people with bad intentions in them.
i was seven years old when a girl changed my personality for the worse. when i first felt that i was inferior to someone else.
i was eight years old when i was alone. when i had no real friends to build my childhood with.
i was nine years old when i started to wander the woods. when i found comfort in the trees and i searched for things and people that didn't exist.
i was ten years old when i had my first crush. when i thought that maybe boys weren't so bad.
i was eleven years old when i almost started a band. when i thought that i could blow up internationally.
i was twelve years old when i had my first boyfriend. when i thought the flowers that he brought me were filled with love.
i was thirteen years old when i almost kissed my second boyfriend. when i first felt like i was growing up too fast.
i was fourteen years old when i first thought dying wasn't my worst option. when i first thought that i wanted to be anywhere other than on this planet.
i am fifteen and i realize that my life is normal. i am fifteen and i realize that i have it good. i am fifteen and i am grateful.
i am fifteen yet i wish i could say i am on top of the world.
i will be sixteen in three months and i will learn to drive. i will be sixteen in three months and i will get over the pain i have not only felt, but dealt. i will be sixteen in three months and i will be in a new home. i will be sixteen in three months and i will be different.
or
in three months, i will turn sixteen and stay the same. i will turn sixteen and still wonder if boys can hold my heart gently. i will be sixteen and wonder if friends can do anything other than betray. i will be sixteen and wonder if death is still an option. i will be sixteen and i will fool those around me.
i will be sixteen and i will wish for nothing but
understanding.

r.k.