Meathead Monologue

return of the middle school crush

how strange that my heart beat for you.
when you turn around to see me, when you turn around to say hello.
how strange that my eyes cannot handle you.
for three seconds i stare into an icy blue i've never quite understood before.
and i am so strangely overwhelmed that i have to look away.
my hands touch my face, i don't know where they go when my heart beats so rapidly.
and my skin is a red and splotchy mess.
i don't talk to boys, and boys don't talk to me.
but when my middle school crush finds it in himself to speak to me, my insides suddenly lose their composure and i become mush.
when my middle school crush smiles at me and me alone, something in my heart tells me this could be what i've been looking for.
this is what i pushed away all those years ago, and here it is in front of my face,
waiting for me to take it in my feeble grasp.
this is what i've been waiting for.
but
when my middle school crush already has a girl on his arm, i know my limits to falling in love
and how far i will take this.
when a different boy already occupies the room in my heart, i don't want to share that space with someone else who might not know where the key lies.
i don't want to think i could love somebody else like i love that different boy.
and when boys are at my fingertips, and my heart is yearning for love,
it's only natural that i feel pulled in all directions.
but, like i said, my middle school crush has blue eyes for another girl,
and i have hazel eyes for another boy.
so maybe this thing that we never had was just a middle school secret.
it was just a middle school secret that we now share in high school.
oh, and that's all it will ever be.

r.k.