Meathead Monologue

my gondolier

jealousy roots without me knowing.

in my boat i travel across oceans of hurt
across oceans of salt pouring from nasty words
across oceans of insults i have heard muttered
across oceans of illusions i have only just stuttered
in my boat i hold oars made of plastic and glue and
the tape that binds them will have to do.
in my boat i see holes in the front and rear
the holes from gunshots all aimed at the fear
that resides in my head that i hold tight at night
out of fright that i just might wake up with out sight
because as i swim across oceans of hurt and disgust
it seems there is one thing i truly must;
my boat will take me to see you
and i will hold you like i used to
and you will smile like you are happy
with a girl who's full of jealousy.

i was horribly jealous for all the wrong reasons.

i used to get mad and i would scream and I would cry
because the feelings inside were too much to hide
i loved your hands and your fingers and everything about them
but never when they seemed to be too close to true scum
you would smile and laugh at girls who weren't me
and i could feel it inside; the feeling of being unhappy

i wanted everything and everyone all the time and all at once.

so when we hug at our reunion, my flowery funeral
i will pat your back and smile and call the curtain call
that will be it, that will be our last contact
i won't see you again and i will not be back
i am proud you have moved on and i am proud that i have too
but when i swim across oceans
it will be for you.

i killed myself for it.

r.k.